In this article, you'll discover...
- How to attract the right man in 3 simple steps, so you can let the wrong ones go
- 7 wrong men you keep attracting (and how to instantly spot them)
- 3 amazing things that will happen when you meet the right man
Table of Contents
Knowing how to attract the right man into your life boils down to a simple three-part process – which starts before you even meet him:
- Part 1 | Clarify: Discover the qualities of a good boyfriend (which most women tend to overlook)
- Part 2 | Verify: Learn key questions to ask a guy to know his intentions (to see if you're compatible)
- Part 3 | Qualify: Watch for the signs of a good man (because words are great, but action is what matters)
One of the main complaints my single coaching clients have about dating is that can’t find any potential partners who fit what they’re looking for.
But the truth is, most of them were screening men for all the wrong criteria.
All Readers Welcome
While this article was written with single women seeking men in mind, as that’s the perspective I can personally speak to, most advice is applicable to all genders and orientations.
So, if you identify outside of a heterosexual female, let me extend a warm personal welcome!
I’m glad you’re here and hope my content helps you achieve your love/life goals even faster.
- Camille Virginia
This is why dating feels so incredibly hard for so many singles: They’re looking for aspects that in no way indicate a quality partner for the long haul.
So, of course, they aren’t connecting with people who would make quality partners for the long haul.
Oftentimes, the men who would make the best partners for you will come in a very different package than you’re expecting them to.
Oftentimes, the men who would make the best partners for you
will come in a very different package than you're expecting them to.
Maybe you’re only considering dating men who are taller than you, of a certain ethnicity, and/or who work in a specific industry so you can talk shop with them.
But none of those aspects directly translates to core values – which are the foundation of every successful partnership.
I’ve dated hundreds of men of all different ethnicities, religions, ages, heights, and careers – and from all seven continents (one spent a few seasons in Antarctica, so close enough), including…
- A Zoroastrian trader from Dubai
- An Italian male model
- A Serbian-Australian realtor
- A blond-haired, blue-eyed, farmer from Iowa
- A Chinese epidemiologist I reconnected with 15 years after we first met
- A crème brûlée-loving Bulgarian
- A scarcity-minded Jamaican
- A Peruvian I met on vacation in Lima
- My narcissistic ex-husband from India
My dating and relationship history runs the gamut of very different men from around the world.
And after all of those experiences, I can confidently say that, at the end of the day, I didn’t care how tall my partner was.
It did not matter where he was from or what race he was.
And, as long as he was able to financially provide for himself and wasn’t constantly on the road, I couldn’t have cared less about what he did for work.
What I wanted to come home to at the end of every day was a man who was kind, supportive, honest, emotionally intelligent, and reliable.
And having a great sense of humor never hurt, either.
In his book Don’t Trust Your Gut, researcher Seth Stephens-Davidowitz brought together studies from 86 scientists involving 11,000 couples who had been together in long-term relationships.
His findings concluded that the traits most singles were initially screening for in a mate were the least likely to indicate long-term relationship success – such as:
- Race/ethnicity
- Religious affiliation
- Height
- Occupation
- Physical attractiveness
- Previous marital status
- Sexual tastes
- Similarity to oneself
Or, as Seth put it, “In the dating market, people compete ferociously for mates with qualities that do not increase one’s chances of romantic happiness.”
Another common mistake women make on their journey to meet the right man is in assuming that hot chemistry and/or a deep connection with him indicates that he’ll be a great partner in the long term.
As I learned the hard way, more times than I care to remember, those aspects are not the same thing. At all.
In the decade-plus that I spent honing the social skills that I now teach others, I started to create deep connections with many people – in particular, single men.
Unfortunately, I became so addicted to the natural high of a meaningful connection, that I used it as my main (okay, my only) screening criteria for whether the men had partner potential.
This lack of filtering usually led to a strong emotional attachment to a guy before I knew if he had any of the other essential values that I wanted in a partner, such as honesty and generosity.
I went through this same cycle many times with men who never had the values of a good man that I was truly looking for, but I wasn’t looking for any aspects beyond my enjoyment of our deep emotional connection.
So how do you avoid the same fate and determine if a “potential partner“ might actually be your “perfect partner?”
Clarify the type of person you want to attract before you meet them, then see if each man you meet fits your predetermined criteria via their words and actions during the dating process.
7 wrong men you keep attracting
The process of attracting the right man can be filled with frustration – especially when you feel like you’re just attracting the wrong men instead.
When you’re a quality woman – which, based on the fact that you’re reading this article, shows me that you are – you’re going to attract the full spectrum of men: the good, the bad, and the emotionally unavailable.
And who can blame those guys?
You’ve done the work to become your best self and a quality woman – so of course they’re attracted to you!
The problem for many women isn’t about attracting the wrong men, it’s about screening for them.
When you don’t know how to spot the wrong men in the very first conversation, or the red flags to watch out for throughout the dating process, it’s easy to let those guys slip through the cracks and into your life.
And if you’re relying on dating apps more than you are offline dating, it’s even harder to screen for these undesirable aspects of men.
They’re simply easier to hide online, continuing to go undetected while your feelings and emotional attachment continue to grow stronger.
You can spend weeks getting emotionally attached to a man who seems vulnerable and communicative from behind a screen, only to discover that he’s a completely different, emotionally unavailable man in real life.
This is why, as an offline dating coach, I advocate meeting and dating without the apps – in real life – so you have a better chance to instantly tell who each man truly is and get to know him better, faster.
But once you understand what to look for in a guy when dating, and when a guy doesn’t possess those aspects, you can stop engaging him on the spot and avoid getting attached to the wrong man.
1) Why do I stop liking guys when they like me?
Growing up, I was very insecure and didn’t feel worthy of having quality people in my life – including guys.
I didn’t know my own value or what made me special, so I was inherently attracted to people who had the traits I wanted in myself – like confidence, authenticity, and purpose-driven.
Since I possessed none of those traits, it’s no wonder I didn’t feel worthy of being around those who did.
On the flip side, if a guy made it known that he liked me, it subconsciously made me question how he could possibly be attracted to me.
I didn’t like myself, so if someone else liked me there must be something wrong with them too, right?
Years ago I read a quote from former MTV host Carson Daily that has stuck with me: “I’m not in a great place in my life, so I wouldn’t like anyone who’s attracted to me right now.”
Feeling unworthy is often the root cause of why you’ll stop liking a guy when he starts liking you – especially if this has been the case for you more than once or twice.
And even if you do happen to attract the right man into your life, you won’t feel you deserve him and will likely self-sabotage the connection.
If that doesn’t feel true for you, another reason you may stop liking guys once they like you is that you don’t actually want to date or have a relationship right now.
Maybe you’re still not over your last relationship, are very focused on your career right now, or want to get back into shape so you can feel good about your body again.
You may enjoy crushing on that hot barista from afar, but the minute that fantasy holds the potential to become a reality, you’re just not into it – or him – anymore.
2) Why do I attract emotionally unavailable guys?
If you’ve never experienced the heartbreak of dating an emotionally unavailable guy, then consider yourself lucky.
There’s something annoyingly attractive about men who are a little (or, a lot) emotionally distant.
Maybe it’s because they resemble the sexy, leading man “lone cowboy” hero we see in the movies, who never stays in town long enough to settle down and enjoy a relationship with the woman he loves.
Which, honesty, sounds kind of terrible for both of them.
Or perhaps there’s a deeper issue in attracting an emotionally unavailable guy, like a father who was physically or emotionally absent when you were growing up.
So, even though that emotional distance from him was painful for you, it feels comfortingly familiar when you meet a man who has the same trait.
You may even be subconsciously trying to close that trauma loop by putting yourself in a similarly painful situation in hopes of getting a different outcome – i.e. closure – with it this time.
When someone pushes you away, then temporarily brings you close again, it’s easy to get addicted to that instant shift of emotions from pain to pleasure.
But being addicted to something means you’re dependent on it – and when you’re not getting that addiction (or its underlying need) met, life can feel miserable.
No matter the reason you feel like you attract or are attracted to emotionally unavailable men it rarely ends well for you and is definitely a trait you need to screen for.
I’ll show you how in part two of how to attract the right man: 101 Casual Questions to Ask a Guy to Reveal His Intentions.
3) Why do I attract married men?
Let’s agree right now that attracting the right guy into your life means attracting one that isn’t already married.
Every once in a while, a married man will hit on a woman he’s interested in – unfortunately, it happens.
I’ve chatted up thousands of men over the years, but I can still count on one hand the number of times a married man has hit on me.
So you have a pattern of being flirted with by – or attracted to – married men, let’s take a deeper look at what might be happening to attract them to you.
When you stop liking a guy once he starts liking you or feel drawn to emotionally unavailable men, you probably like men who are “safely unavailable” and just out of reach – or who fit what you feel you deserve.
Married men present someone you can’t have and shouldn’t want – which, unfortunately, can make them all the more enticing to some women.
It’s like two little kids playing with toys at school: Bobby sees the shiny truck that Suzy is playing with, so he naturally wants it for himself.
Bobby knows he could easily go to the toybox and get his own truck, there are plenty in there.
But he wants the thrill of taking the one Suzy has – there’s an excitement and feeling of control in forcing someone to have less of something once you gain it.
Translating that to dating, it’s also a completely unhealthy and highly damaging approach to take.
In my article, Why Is Life So Hard? 10 Sneaky (But Fixable) Reasons You’re Unhappy, I share that humans need stimulation to be happy.
And, sadly, most people tend to seek stimulation in damaging ways like sex addiction, binge eating, drinking, or drugs.
That’s why it’s important to know what men want in a woman (spoiler alert: it’s women who love themselves) so that you know you deserve a man who is wholly available to you – physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
4) Why do I attract guys with mommy issues?
Some guys have what we’ll call “mommy issues,” which typically show up with the man having high expectations of their partner and/or unresolved issues around their mom – which then show up in their romantic relationships.
Maybe a man was raised in a household where his mom stayed home and took care of everything – she doted on him while doing all the chores, cooking, errands, and emotional labor that held the family together.
And no woman will ever live up to Mom.
Or perhaps a man grew up with a dad who didn’t treat his mom (or any woman) well, and she was seen as inferior. And a seed of misogyny was planted in him at a young age.
Or maybe a man’s mom was absent during his childhood which led to an emotional void where the role of a maternal caretaker should have been, and now he’s subconsciously looking for a romantic partner to fill it.
Maybe, like many women, you’re naturally nurturing – and/or you’re partial to tending to “wounded birds,” e.g. people who’ve had it rough in life and need a little (or a lot) more support to get through it.
Men with mommy issues might pick up on those traits and be attracted to you because of them.
Either because you hold the potential to be the one woman in the world who can hold a candle to Super Mom and/or because they subconsciously hope that you’ll fill the void their mother figure left empty.
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5) Why do I attract broken guys?
Let’s be clear that everyone has some level of emotional baggage they’re hauling around.
(*raises hand*)
Even if you’ve done the inner work to release negative mindsets, like “Guys don’t date anymore,” learned how to attract a high-value man, and know what guys want in a woman, the dating world can still beat you down.
You may have lowered your dating standards too much because the way people treat each other on the apps is so bad.
Sometimes just having a date actually show up when he says he will can make him seem like a total Prince Charming.
To avoid getting involved with a broken guy, first, define what “broken” means to you so you can spot the signs.
Does that mean he’s unreliable?
Non-responsive?
Emotionally unstable?
Or maybe that he doesn’t have a job?
His life is a mess?
He doesn’t have a healthy lifestyle or clearly hasn’t worked through healing from his last relationship?
Once you get clear on the signs of a broken guy, you can instantly spot those traits in the men you meet, and instead start focusing on the guys who are the opposite – I’ll show you how, coming up.
6) Why do I attract guys with low self-esteem?
Sometimes people with low self-esteem attract others who share that condition because misery often loves company.
This trait ties back to why you may stop liking guys once they start liking you.
You either feel unworthy of a man who sees your value (because you can’t see it for yourself right now), or you’re attracted to unavailable men because you don’t really want a relationship right now.
In attracting men who have low self-esteem, it can feel safe and comfortable (i.e. attractive) for them if they sense that you feel the same way about yourself; or maybe you’re just a kind person with whom they feel safe.
If the latter is the case, be careful; you’re not responsible for other people’s happiness and if someone has low self-esteem, they are the only ones who can truly build up their confidence.
You can absolutely be supportive of them along their journey, but it’s a journey they need to take solo.
In my business, I hear from subscribers and readers from all over the world about their personal dating challenges, loneliness, heartbreaks, and more.
For the first few years, I tried to help each person who reached out to me by spending hours every day responding to each of their emails.
I’d write several paragraphs of sympathy, encouragement, and actionable suggestions to help them get out of their rut.
But most people never applied my advice – or, heck, never even responded “thank you.”
I realized I was working really hard to provide free coaching for people who often were more comfortable complaining than taking action to improve their circumstances.
I also realized I could instead be applying that time to give even more support to my paying clients, the ones who were truly ready to make a change in their life and were willing to actually invest in that change.
They were also the ones who were applying my tips and thanking me for my time.
7) Why do I like toxic guys?
Ah, the classic attraction to the bad boy.
They’re the rebel without a cause who often treat other people poorly, which means when they give you half a second of care or attention, it makes you feel special.
You can tell yourself, “No one else knows him like I do, he’s just misunderstood,” as he cancels on your date night for the fourth time in a row.
Or forgets it’s your birthday despite multiple reminders that you wanted to do something special for it together.
I can confidently say that the bad boy attraction act gets really old, really quick.
It’s an addiction similar to attracting emotionally unavailable guys – the feeling of seeing a man treat others badly in contrast to treating you decently (for now) can be subconsciously (or consciously) thrilling.
It makes you feel like he needs you and only you to help him navigate this cruel world and defend his damaging and hurtful choices.
But here’s a hard truth: the way people treat others is a preview of how they’ll eventually treat you.
Fact: the way people treat others is a preview of how they'll eventually treat you.
My ex-husband is the perfect example of this.
He would be hurtful to other people – yelling at waiters, blaming coworkers, putting down his friends – then pour on the charm to me and share how grateful he was that I understood him when no one else did.
That is, until he started treating me just as badly as everyone else.
Left unchecked, this toxic attraction to the “misunderstood” bad boy can become your new normal.
Which means once you finally pry yourself loose from one bad boy, the next one that you come across will give you a feeling of familiarity – despite coming with a lot of pain, too.
You may even hold out hope that this guy will finally give you a different outcome – you’ll be able to finally reform him and he’ll be so grateful that you saved him. But let’s be honest: that only happens in the movies.
Your search criteria doesn't match what you actually want
As we covered earlier, knowing when you meet the right man who has the potential to be your future partner is based on screening for the traits you truly want – not the nice-to-haves.
The qualities you’re judging a man on likely don’t match the core traits you want in a long-term partner.
The qualities you're judging a man on
likely don't match the core traits you want in a long-term partner.
Screening for superficial, unimportant traits can happen both online and offline, but it’s extremely common in the online dating app world.
Behind a screen, you simply can’t use your human instincts to feel into the energy of the other person as you can when you’re in person.
This mismatch kept me dating the wrong men for over a decade and led to some incredibly painful experiences that could have been avoided if I had simply screened for the right traits.
I knew what I wanted in a partner: kindness, curiosity, empathy, a sense of purpose. And yet here's what I chose for online: Ivy league degree, 6'0" or taller, lives within 12 subway stops of me. The things I cared about I couldn’t see online.
I had mastered the arts of how to be approachable and how to talk to guys; I understood what men looked for in a woman and how to attract a quality man; and I knew how to trigger emotional attraction in a man – which, I discovered, was the secret behind getting a guy to ask me out.
But my only screening criteria was that I felt a deep connection with them. I wasn’t attracting the right men who were commitment-ready – I was attracting the men who never wanted an actual relationship with me.
I was so frustrated that I was working so hard and creating so many meaningful connections yet kept asking myself, “Why does everyone have a boyfriend but me?!”
This lack of filtering caused me to attract emotionally unavailable men who never, ever had the potential to be the right man for me in the long term.
Like my ex who was on a different page from me about having kids.
Or the one who wasn’t emotionally over his divorce…four years later.
Or the one who wanted to quit his stable government audit job and, with no prior military experience, become an army helicopter pilot. At age 35.
Or the one who had had a near-death experience the week before we met, which inspired him to ditch his playboy lifestyle and want to settle down with the right woman…
…until that effect wore off three months later and he reverted back to a walking bachelor party.
Seriously, I can’t make this stuff up.
And trust me when I say that attracting the wrong man can be so much worse than attracting no man. So, screening is everything.
How to attract the right man in 3 simple steps
You know what I like in bed? I like for the man next to me to be the right man.
So how do you avoid that same fate and determine if a “potential partner“ might actually be your “perfect partner?”
Clarify the type of man you want to attract before you meet him, then see if each guy you meet fits your pre-determined criteria via their words and actions.
I’ll bet you’ve already met men who had the key traits you were looking for in a partner.
You may not have felt an immediate romantic attraction, but who’s to say that wouldn’t have developed if given a little more time?
Just because a guy didn’t “wow” you in the first thirty seconds of meeting each other doesn’t mean he didn’t have the potential to give you the relationship of your dreams.
Sometimes a man simply isn’t as confident or comfortable in the initial meeting and dating phase; but once you get to know him a bit more, you might discover he’s an incredible commitment-worthy partner.
It can take months or even years to truly get to know someone, so don’t assume you can accurately size them up within a few seconds.
It can take years to truly get to know someone,
so don’t assume you can accurately size them up within a few seconds.
You’ll always have a first impression of each person you meet. But instead of holding that impression to them forever, simply note it, set it aside, and open yourself up to other possibilities as you get to know them better.
Aspects that make up a great relationship (like kindness, honesty, and reliability) can take time to come out, which is exactly what the dating process is meant to reveal.
When you and your partner share the same core values your relationship (and life in general) becomes a lot easier. It creates a solid foundation of trust for every interaction you have.
You know you both have each other’s backs, and arguments are resolved quicker because you both trust that, even though you may disagree, you’re both coming from a place of good intention.
That leads to building further trust and connecting more deeply with each other, which can make every aspect of your life more fulfilling.
3 benefits of knowing how + when to attract the right man
Once you discover how to attract the right man, you’ll enjoy three magical benefits…
#1 Avoid letting the wrong man into your life
When you get clear on the right man for you before you even meet him, you’ll avoid getting emotionally attached to the wrong men.
Even once you know how to connect with a man emotionally, sometimes the important stuff takes more time to come out – like how does he handle an argument, does he follow through on his promises, and is he reliable?
He could be on good behavior for the first few weeks of dating but gradually everyone’s true colors will show, which is why it’s important not to rush the dating process.
Screening men for the aspects that actually matter (as opposed to vanity metrics) can save you weeks or even years of wasting time with the wrong man because you two aren’t aligned on a fundamental level.
#2 Instantly spot the hidden gems
If you’ve ever caught yourself thinking “I never meet any guys I’m attracted to,” I’m willing to bet you’ve actually met hundreds of men who – given more than just one date – could have made you very happy.
While it’s easier to screen someone out once you start to see that their values don’t match what you’re looking for, it takes more time to reveal if a man is the right one for you for the long haul.
That’s why it’s important to get clear on defining who the right man is for you before you meet him.
#3 Your future relationship will be 10x better
When you and your partner share the same or similar values, your relationship (and life in general) becomes so much easier. It creates a foundation for every interaction you have.
Arguments don’t turn toxic but instead get resolved quicker because you both trust that, even though you disagree, you’re both coming from a place of good intention and caring.
That leads to building more trust and connecting deeper with each other, which encourages a man to commit (without pressuring him).
Conclusion: When you meet the right man
Before you can discover how to attract the right man, first you need to know why you’re attracting the wrong ones so you can avoid them. We covered the seven different types of wrong men for you:
- Why do I stop liking guys when they like me?
- Why do I attract emotionally unavailable guys?
- Why do I attract married men?
- Why do I attract guys with mommy issues?
- Why do I attract broken guys?
- Why do I attract guys with low self-esteem?
- Why do I like toxic guys?
Once you know how to spot the wrong men, it’s time to focus on attracting the right man into your life by using my three-part proven process:
- Part 1 | Clarify: Discover the qualities of a good boyfriend (which most women tend to overlook)
- Part 2 | Verify: Learn key questions to ask a guy to know his intentions (to see if you're compatible)
- Part 3 | Qualify: Watch for the signs of a good man (because words are great, but action is what matters)
And when you hold the power to spot a quality man who has the potential to be a great partner for you, you’ll enjoy benefits such as…
- #1 Avoiding the wrong men
- #2 Instantly spotting hidden gems
- #3 Having your future relationship be 10 times better
Coming up next...
The next article in our series is 6 Qualities of a Good Boyfriend (and how to spot them) – where you’ll discover…
- 6 aspects of a good man so you can instantly spot a man who has potential to be The One
- 3 steps to get crystal clarity on what you're truly looking for in your future partner
- Why you've been missing so many amazing single men - and what to do about it
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