In this article, you'll discover...
- 3 easy ways to get a guy to ask you out (and have him think it was his idea)
- 3 casual ways to give a guy your number - even if you're super shy
- 3 rejection-proof ways to ask a guy out so you never risk feeling rejected
Table of Contents
The secret to getting a guy to ask you out is a simple two-part process, which has led to nearly 300 men asking for my phone number – without ever going online:
- Part 1: Understand what sparks emotional attraction in a man
- Part 2: Discover how to get a guy to ask you out
Once you know the first part of how to connect with a man emotionally, the second part of getting him to ask you on a date is easy – it’s the natural next step he’ll take so he can have more of you!
All Readers Welcome
While this article was written with single women seeking men in mind, as that’s the perspective I can personally speak to, most advice is applicable to all genders and orientations.
So, if you identify outside of a heterosexual female, let me extend a warm personal welcome!
I’m glad you’re here and hope my content helps you achieve your love/life goals even faster.
- Camille Virginia
In a world where people are starved of authentic, in-person conversations but don’t know how to get off the surface-level small talk, the power to attract the best partners goes to those who fulfill this connection void.
When you create a meaningful connection with a man, you’ve tapped into his innate need for engagement and given him a powerful reason to want more of you.
When you create a meaningful connection with a man, you've tapped into his innate need for engagement and given him a powerful reason to want more of you.
Gone will be your days of wondering, “Why aren’t guys attracted to me?” “Why don’t I get asked out by men?” and “Why don’t I have a boyfriend?’ as well as negative mindset scripts like, “Guys just don’t date anymore!” and “Why is dating so freakin’ hard!?”
You’ll know exactly how to attract a high-value man and have him ask you out on a hot date for the weekend.
This is one of the many advantages of offline dating – i.e. dating in the real world, without apps – in that you can showcase you’re a woman of value who knows how to connect on a deep level with a man.
When a man risks rejection to ask you out, or you ask him out, that interaction has a higher value placed on it by both of you.
Why it needs to be an actual date
When you and a man are romantically interested in each other, it’s important to go on an actual date together – which, ideally, he takes the lead in planning.
A date could be any activity you two do together: dinner at a restaurant, going to a movie, or taking a walk on the beach.
It’s not about how much money is spent; it’s about the thoughtfulness that goes into the experience.
One of my best dates ever was when a man packed a blanket, sandwiches, and a bottle of wine and took me to a movie in the park under the stars. It was simple but well-planned and incredibly thoughtful.
Going on an actual date not only makes you feel like a desired woman, but it also prevents a “situationship” from forming – where you’re hanging out with each other sans any commitment or progression toward one.
If a man has no interest in being in a relationship, but you do, you want that fact about him to be revealed as quickly as possible so you don’t waste another second on him.
If you’ve ever wondered, “Why do guys never want a relationship?” it may be that the ones you date either were never looking for a relationship in the first place.
Or, perhaps they just need a little loving nudge from you to help inspire a man to commit to you.
Also, as I learned the hard way, if you have to ask a man to actually take you out on a date, he’s probably not the man for you.
I’ve only had to do this once in my life, with a man I’d been “exploring a connection with” long-distance when we met up for a conference in San Diego together.
After nearly a week of me suggesting places to go for meals and splitting the bill with him every time, I finally asked if he could please take the lead and plan a date night for us.
Not only was it extremely uncomfortable for me to ask to be taken to dinner, but he was offended.
That was the last straw in a string of red flags I had chosen to ignore up to that point. I love doing nice things for people and I knew I needed a man who enjoyed the same. And Marc just couldn’t cut it.
Remember, the meeting and dating phase is a man being on his best behavior, trying to impress you. That means if red flags are popping up now, trust that those are only the tip of the iceberg.
How to get a guy to ask you out (3 ways)
Going in for “the number ask” can be a scary experience for even the most confident of men.
So if you want him to ask you out, you may need to give him a glaring green light to make it as safe and as easy as possible for him.
The easiest way to turn a casual conversation into a date is by introducing activity-based topics that you and he can do together.
The easiest way to turn a casual conversation into a date is by introducing
activity-based topics that you and he can do together.
This approach works great because it makes the desire for acceptance more about the invitation to the activity as opposed to you as a person.
This spares you from asking the more risky, “Would you like to go on a date with me?” or the feels-too-open-ended-what-do-I-say-next, “Can I get your phone number?”
If you’ve taken the time to create a meaningful connection with a man who’s available and interested in you too, it truly can be as easy as asking him to join you in a future activity to secure that first date.
Here are the three ways to turn your meaningful conversation into getting a guy to ask you out on a hot date:
1) Inspire him to plan a date on the spot
The fastest and most natural way to have a man ask you out is by steering the conversation toward activities, hobbies, places, and interests – i.e. potential dates you can go on together.
When a conversation topic pops up that you genuinely enjoy, or are curious about, jump on it! Show your excitement so that he knows you’re into it and he can seize that moment of bravery to ask you out.
Here’s an example from when I met a guy at a picnic and used our mutual love of barbeque to get him to ask me out:
Example1
- Steer the conversation toward local favorites/hobbies/places
– Me: “So, what’s your favorite type of food in the city?”
– Him: “I’m into barbeque right now. I actually just heard about a new brisket place on the South Side.”
- When something comes up you also like – jump on it!
– Me: “I love barbeque!”
- Sets up the opportunity to do something you both enjoy
– Him: “Well, let’s go check it out together!”
This simple script gave him the confidence (which is one of the six traits of a great boyfriend, and a key aspect that men are looking for in a woman) to go in for the ask.
Here’s another example of this ask-out approach in action…
- Announce a local favorite/hobby/place/interest you want to do.
– You: “You know what I’m excited to do this summer? Make it to the top of an indoor rock-climbing wall.”
– Him: “That sounds fun, I’ve seen those places, but I’ve never tried it.”
- Let them know you want to go with someone.
– You: “I’ll be nervous, but maybe I can drag one of my friends to join.”
- Sets up the opportunity for them to offer to join you.
– Him: “You can drag me! I’ll spot you.”
This authentic approach takes the guesswork out of the equation and makes it easy for him to pick a date place that he knows you’ll enjoy – because you just served it to him on a shiny, silver platter.
Plus, he’ll think that asking you to go there was totally his idea, so he’ll feel proud of himself.
2) Give him an extra second - literally
Another way to inspire a man to ask you out is to let him know you’re on a deadline, then simply give him an extra second.
Just remember that most men are afraid of rejection, so give him a little bit of time to get to the ask-out. Sometimes he just needs an extra moment to find the words to say.
For example, I was at an Aloe Blacc concert with a girlfriend a few years ago and spent most of the time talking to the cute guy in a suit standing next to me.
At the end of the show, my friend and I were getting ready to leave, so I turned to him and said, “It was great meeting you.
Unfortunately, I think my friend and I need to head out now,” paired with a big smile and eye contact.
I purposefully made my parting sentence as long as possible to give him time to process what was happening and think of a way to get my phone number.
I could tell he was trying to come up with a way to ask because he had a, “Wait, don’t go!” look in his eyes and his lips were pursed as if he was about to say something.
So, I just stood there smiling for a few seconds until he got the words together and said, “May I take you to dinner sometime?” I said yes, and we exchanged phone numbers.
Later, on our date, he asked me, “By the way, did you pause when you were leaving so I could ask you out?” I smiled and said, “Yep. You’re welcome!” He loved and appreciated my little move.
Think of meeting and dating men as a team sport. The man shouldn’t bear the burden of doing everything; you have plenty of opportunities to help him out along the way.
Not only is it a kind thing to do, but you’ll both reap the benefits when you turn your conversation into a hot date with each other.
One of the 10 signs of a good man is that he has solid communication skills. But we all have different speeds at which we communicate, so be patient and give him an extra second or two.
3) Watch for subtleties
If you want to get a guy to ask you out, you must be on the lookout for subtleties.
As I’ve mentioned in several articles, most men are afraid of rejection, so asking you out indirectly can feel safer for them – but it’s also easy for women to completely miss their ask.
This misfire happened twice in one night to a coaching client of mine, while we were out on a Wingwoman Session – hitting the town together so she could practice her social skills with me by her side.
The first man we spoke to started telling us about a new Italian restaurant in the area that he’d read about. He casually said, “Yeah, I’ve wanted to try it out. If only I had someone to go with.”
That last line was his safe and subtle ask-out to my client. If he’d been talking to me, I would have responded, “I love Italian, I’ll go with you,” and let him take it from there. But sadly, she totally missed it.
At the next venue, my client and I started talking to another man.
A half-hour or so into the great conversation, he turned to her and said, “So, what are we doing this weekend?” I was so excited – another man was asking her out!
Unfortunately, she took his question as, “What are you doing this weekend?” and proceeded to tell him about her plans to go shopping for a new furnace.
Womp womp.
Later I pointed out this was his playful way of asking her to do something with him.
Here are some examples of subtle ask-outs, so you can keep an eye out for them…
- “If only I had someone to go with…”
- “What are we doing this weekend?”
- “That’d be fun to do sometime…”
Watch for lines like those and then offer yourself up. You don’t have to take the lead, simply say, “I’ll do it with you!” or “Sounds fun, count me in.”
Done and done.
You’ve created a safe space for him to ask for your number without the risk of rejection and given him the go-ahead to plan the date – all in half a sentence.
It’s similar to knowing how to be approachable by giving him the right signals and lowering his fear of rejection.
Note: If you’re interested in him and he asks you out for a certain date or time that doesn’t work for you, be sure to suggest an alternative.
If he’s taken the lead and risked being rejected by you, it’s time to meet him halfway and work together to set a date you can both make.
How to give a guy your number (3 ways)
Sometimes a guy just can’t find the words to ask you out in the moment you meet him or needs to build up the courage to ask in his own time.
So if you’re sensing the man you’re flirting up a storm with at the DMV wants to ask you out but may need a little encouragement, just find an excuse to get your contact information into his hands.
That way, once he’s ready to ask you out, he has everything he needs to do it in his own way.
Here are three ways to give a guy your number…
1) Put the ball in his court
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.
Or maybe the horse doesn’t see the water.
Or something else happens that prevents the horse from drinking it. Whatever.
Anyway, if you steer the conversation toward mutual interests and he doesn’t take advantage of that golden opportunity to ask you out, you can help him by giving him your number. Here’s an example:
- Him: “I love Peruvian food, there are some great places in the city.”
- You: “Me too, I’m totally craving some ceviche.”
- Him: “Mmmm, ceviche. I hear ya.”
- You: “Well, if you ever want to grab some, I’m down. Here's my number.”
In this example, you’ve given him a clear signal (i.e. couldn’t have made it any easier) that you’d like to get together, but it’s still up to him to take the lead from there.
Remember, there are amazing men out there who get nervous around incredible women like yourself and may need a little help asking you out.
Maybe the man you’re flirting with just had his heart broken.
Or the last girl he dated used him for money, cheated on him, or worse.
Be kind and help him out. That simple sentence might lead you into the arms of the love of your life.
The story of how I met a past boyfriend and got him to ask me out is a great example of this.
The week before Halloween I went to happy hour with some coworkers, and one invited his college roommate to join us. As soon as his friend showed up, I was completely smitten with Mr. Tall, Blonde, and Handsome.
We started chatting and I could tell he was shy – and single – but we hit it off.
I had a feeling he might not have the courage to ask me out in the moment, so when the topic of Halloween came up, I told him about a charity costume party I was going to.
He seemed interested, so I asked for his email address to forward the invitation to him.
It was the perfect excuse to get my contact information into his hands without putting pressure on him to ask me out in front of everyone, and without taking the lead to ask him out myself.
Sure enough, he emailed me back the next day. Somehow the Halloween event segued into the topic of turkey chili recipes and our emails started centering around who could make the best dish.
After a week of beating the turkey chili topic to death, he finally asked me for drinks. On our first date he admitted that if I hadn’t given him my email, he would have been too shy to reach out.
The important lesson here was that even though he didn’t ask me out in the moment, I made sure he had a way to contact me so he could do it when he was ready.
If you’re interested in a man and adamant that he takes the lead in asking you on a date, use any excuse possible to get your contact information into his hands.
Then, have a little patience and give it a week or so.
2) Have a calling card
You can also have a personal calling card to give people.
My friend, Ashlee, used this approach with a card that showcased her love of t-shirt imprinting and baking fancy cakes, which also provided her contact information.
She opted for a “half-size” business card style, so it had a personal aspect to it, instead of feeling like a formal business card…
Noting these topics on her card showed off her personality and made her more memorable. It’s not as easy to forget someone who states a unique talent like t-shirt imprinting.
If a man asks for your business card, or you want to put the ball in his court by offering your contact information to him, be sure to hand-write your phone number on the back.
This small personal touch makes it clear that you’re not looking for a new business contact – you’re interested in him personally.
3) Enlist your friends
Another way to give a guy your number is to ask your friends to do it. Friends can create the perfect buffer of safety – for both you and the man you’re interested in – to get your contact information into his hands.
Let’s say you spot a cute guy across the bar. Take your time to craft a short note, write it on a napkin along with your phone number, and send it off to him via one of your friends.
Maybe you give him a genuine compliment like “You have a great smile. If you’re single, I’d love to get to know you,” along with an invitation to come join your table.
It’s a line that might make you blush to say to his face; but since your friends aren’t the ones who are giving it, they can feel confident passing it along to him.
This gives him time to process what’s going on and think about how best to respond.
And if he does come over, or send you a text later, you can feel assured that he’s truly interested in you and not just being nice out of courtesy in the moment.
Having your friends relay a message for you also shows him that you have good people in your life who believe you’re awesome and are willing to help you out because they care about you.
You can also pass the note to him yourself on your way out the door, so it gives him time and space without the pressure of having to decide what to do in the moment.
Another way to use your friends is when you have a mutual acquaintance that you’re interested in.
This was the case for two of my girlfriends who are now married to great men.
Each man, upon first meeting each of my friends, needed just a little more time after their initial encounters to get the courage to ask the ladies out.
My friend Sara met her now-husband Mike at a mutual friend’s birthday party. They chatted for hours and made it clear they were both single, but then he left without getting her phone number.
After Sara got home, their mutual friend texted her that Mike had asked him for her phone number.
A few minutes later, Sara got a call from Mike asking her out on a date. They just celebrated their ten-year marriage anniversary.
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A similar situation happened to my friend Katie. Shortly after graduating college, she went to a friend’s party at Stanford University where met a handsome man named Brian.
They instantly connected and spent the entire party off in the corner talking to each other. But, like Mike, Brian left the party without getting Katie’s phone number.
As Katie was walking home, she had a burst of courage and called her friend, the host of the party, and asked him to give her Brian’s phone number.
Her friend said, “Shut up shut up. Brian is on the other line right now saying he was an idiot and asking for your number.”
Goosebumps!
Katie and Brian were married a few years later, at Stanford University – and I was a bridesmaid in their beautiful wedding…
Should I ask him out?
In the first edition of my book, The Offline Dating Method, I mentioned that asking a man out never worked out well for me as a hetero woman.
And while I still stand by that, since it’s my personal experience (and uff-da some of those were awkward), I want to make it clear that any gender should feel empowered to take the lead in asking someone out.
However, if you’re still wondering “Should I ask him out?” I recommend first asking yourself these two questions:
- Do you truly believe, on some level, that the other person shares your potential interest and wants you to ask them out?
- Are you comfortable continuing to take the lead at least through the first date?
If the answer to one or both of those questions is “No,” then you shouldn’t ask a guy out.
The reason why asking a man out never worked for me is that I didn’t answer those two questions honestly.
It used to be that whenever I would feel a spark with a guy, subconsciously ignored any signals that he wasn’t interested in me – because that wasn’t what I wanted to see.
So, if he didn’t ask me out, I would “make it happen” myself and ask him.
But doing that felt very uncomfortable and I didn’t enjoy feeling like I had to continue to take the lead after that moment: planning the date, sending the “Are we still on for Thursday?” text, and offering to pay for both of us.
When I started answering those two questions more honestly, I realized that I personally prefer a man to take the lead – both in asking me out and in planning the date.
This is how most of the heterosexual women I work with feel too, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of or apologize for.
Giving a man space to pursue you is actually a key part of what makes a man chase a woman (along with tapping into your feminine energy when dating and learning how to flirt with a man).
Doing all the work for him can actually turn him off and take that fun part away from him.
How to ask a guy out (3 ways)
Full disclosure: Asking a man out myself has never turned out well for me.
But, I know it’s worked for other women, in some cases even leading to a few happy marriages, so it’s always an option if the first two ask-out approaches don’t work.
Again, just be prepared for how to handle what comes after that, which can be where things start to get confusing.
But if you feel secure in knowing how to talk to guys and confident that this man is interested in you but may not have the courage to ask you out, feel free to make the first move.
Here are three ways you can confidently go in for the ask…
1) Have him give you his number
A safe way to reveal your romantic intentions with a man is to casually exchange contact information about a mutual interest, and then reveal those intentions later over text, email, or social media direct message.
This gives him time to process the new information that you’re interested in him – not watching the rugby match – and allows your share to remain private between you two.
Here’s a casual but clear message that gets the point across:
- “By the way, I want to be upfront and share I’m attracted to you. If that changes anything, let me know.”
Giving someone time to digest and accept a big reveal like this can make all the difference between continuing the connection or not.
I highly recommend sharing your romantic intentions before your get-together with him.
That way you don’t have the weight of “the share” on your chest throughout your time together, and he doesn’t feel misled by having your romantic intentions withheld.
2) Invite him to an activity with you
If you’re feeling a good vibe with the man one seat over on your flight to Boston, but not quite sure if there’s romantic potential or not, simply invite him to get together and see where it goes from there.
Pull from the approach “Inspire him to plan a date on the spot” and steer your conversation toward mutual interests until an event or activity comes up that you both enjoy or want to try out – then ask him to join you.
This could be as simple as asking, “What’s one place you’ve been wanting to go or something you’ve been wanting to try?” and after he shares, replying with “I’m down for that, want to try it out together?”
From there, you can continue taking the lead and ask for his number (for purposes of the activity, of course) or do nothing and give him space to figure out how he’s going to get ahold of you for the activity.
In your conversation, you two might uncover a mutual love of apple picking, Portuguese pastry-making classes, or curiosity about that new trapeze gym that just opened up.
Once you choose an event to get together at, no need to reveal your intentions ahead of time, just show up and see what happens.
Take your time to get to know each other and see if he might be more of a friend or has the potential to be your next partner.
3) Straight-up ask him on a date
The key to asking a man out is to keep it casual and have it come from your heart.
As before, you’ll first want to steer the conversation toward activity-based topics – i.e. potential dates you can go on together, which can be done with one simple question. Here are a few good ones:
- What do you do for fun?
- Any exciting plans this weekend?
- What's your favorite restaurant in the city?
- What was a highlight from this past weekend?
- What's your favorite way to spend a sunny Saturday afternoon?
- When you host friends from out of town, where do you take them?
Here’s how a conversation might go using this approach:
- Steer the conversation toward local favorites/hobbies/places
– You: “What do you do for fun?”
– Him: “I’m excited to start playing more tennis this summer.”
- When something comes up you also like – jump on it!
– You: “I play tennis too and actually just got my racket restrung.”
- Sets up the opportunity to do something you both enjoy
– Him: “That’s awesome! I’ve got a mean spin serve I’m working on.”
– You: “Challenge accepted. I was actually going to hit the court this weekend, you and your serve are welcome to join.”
Keeping it casual like this will help the oft-dreaded “ask” to come off as a casual invitation, which puts less pressure on both of you.
It’s a simple, “Hey, we both like this thing, want to do it together sometime?”
This will make it a no-brainer for him to accept (because of course he’ll want to hang out with you, you meaningful conversation rock star).
That approach is the opposite of, say, going on a rambling tangent – like after discovering a shared affinity for equine and launching into:
“So you mentioned you like horses, and see, I like horses too, so I was thinking…if you’re free, and of course you want…maybe you’d like to go with me to this place I know, that has some horses we can get on…I don’t mean ’get it on,’ I just mean…um, can I start over?”
Ditch the extensive explanation and, instead, extend a confident invitation: “I like horseback riding too. Would you be up for hitting a trail sometime?”
(Which was exactly how an equine-loving, crème brûlée torch-wielding Bulgarian came into my life.)
You can also use questions to ask a guy to know his intentions to feel safer taking the lead and lower your potential risk of rejection by him.
Script: How I got a date on LinkedIn
The ask-out process can happen in real life or even online, without the apps.
Below is one of my most unusual ask-out stories, which happened after a man met a woman in the real world and then tried to track her down on LinkedIn – and found me instead!
The entire chat was captured online, so it’s a great example of how I turned a case of mistaken identity into a date. A few key notes on how I helped him ask me out…
- I never shut him down or made him feel creepy for reaching out (not even "jokingly").
- I always answered with details, so he could build off them.
- I asked him interesting questions.
- I introduced the food topic, so it was natural for him to ask me out.
The Conversation (which played out over a week or so)…
Simon: This may be one of the oddest messages you have ever received on LinkedIn, but I met a girl on the elevator this morning @… who works on the 9th floor.. Of course I never got her name, but she was blonde.. Unsure if it is you, but kind of looks like you….
Me: Haha, I enjoy odd. I do work on the 9th floor, but that wasn’t me this morning. Now I’m curious who this blond version of me is, working on my floor.
Simon: Awww, bummer that it isn’t you…Well let’s do some investigative work (Your twin was pretty)… Scan the floor for all blonde girls and we can do a lineup. I will also look out for you on the elevator now.
Me: I’ll keep an eye out. The nerve of her, stealing my looks!
Simon: Yup, if I were you I would be super mad she’s stealing your looks when you aren’t here ;-)… So I see from your profile you have been all over the state/country, what brought you to Chicago?
Me: I’m from Portland, Oregon originally and just moved here a few years ago and love it. Well, I had to adjust to a new definition of “cold” (we don’t have negative degree anything in Oregon), but otherwise it’s been great. Are you a transplant as well, or is the Midwest home for you?
Simon: Yes, definitely a new definition of cold in the Midwest (frankly it sucks), but I do ski so at least we have that going for us.. Well I am a transplant, but I am only from northern WI so nowhere near as far away from home as you. I enjoy it here as well, definitely more to do here than home. How often are you able to go home? Do you live in the city or the burbs?
Me: I live in the city, I love being close to everything that is Chicago. I try to get back to Oregon twice a year; the summer is absolutely perfect out there. And so many outdoor things to do and see. Have you been skiing out west? Some big mountains there 🙂
Simon: I actually went skiing on Saturday which was nice, in Wisconsin! How was your weekend?
Me: Weekend was nice. On Friday we went to a new place in River North called Bavette’s, great people watching and great old fashion craft cocktails. Very 1920’s vibe.
Simon: Sounds fun, I have never been to Bavette’s, but I normally like those kinds of places where you can simply people watch and have a good time. So what do you normally do for lunch? I usually just head out by myself, if you ever wanted to go out around here count me in.
Me: Sometimes I bring lunch, but I couldn’t pull it together enough this weekend to manage that for this week. I’m up for lunch out sometime. 🙂
Conclusion: It's time to get a guy to ask you out
To secure a date with any man, simply apply my two-part process. Because when you master the first part, the second part is a breeze:
- Part 1: Understand what triggers emotional attraction in a man
- Part 2: Discover how to get a guy to ask you out
Here are nine ways to get a date with a guy without going online – choose the one that best fits the situation you’re in and feel right for you in the moment:
3 ways to get a guy to ask you out
- Inspire him to plan a date on the spot
- Give him an extra second - literally
- Watch for subtleties
3 ways to give a guy your number
- Put the ball in his court
- Have a calling card
- Enlist your friends
3 ways to ask a guy out (but only if you’re doing it for the right reasons)
- Have him give you his number
- Invite him to an activity with you
- Straight-up ask him on a date
Coming up next...
The next article in our series is How to Attract the Right Man: The 3-Part Ultimate Guide – where you’ll discover…
- 7 types of wrong men you may be attracted to (and how to stop it from happening)
- How to qualify the right guy in 3 simple steps, so you can let the wrong ones go
- 3 amazing things that will happen when you know you've met The One
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