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Attracting a great guy into your life can be a challenge – but knowing how to spot the key signs of a good man can make it a lot easier.
This is the third and final part in my three-part process of how to attract the right man:
10 Signs of a good man
Or send a frustrated, “Dating is dead!” text to your bestie after yet another Bumble match went absolutely nowhere.
Online dating has been shown to bring out the worst in people.
This is not only hurtful to the recipient of that hurtful behavior, it’s also detrimental to the offenders once their online jerk persona starts leaking offline – and, understandably, no one wants anything to do with them.
But instead of focusing on the negative, wouldn’t it be more fun to focus on the positive – like watching for the aspects of a good man, instead of thinking about the guys who keep feeding your defeating thoughts?
All Readers Welcome
While this article was written with single women seeking men in mind, as that’s the perspective I can personally speak to, most advice is applicable to all genders and orientations.
So, if you identify outside of a heterosexual female, let me extend a warm personal welcome!
I’m glad you’re here and hope my content helps you achieve your love/life goals even faster.
- Camille Virginia
That’s one of the main advantages of offline dating – i.e. dating in real life, without the apps: it’s much easier, and much faster, to determine who a man truly is by seeing how he moves through the world.
In this final part of the three-part series, we’ll see if your potential partner lives his life the way he says he does, which can only be shown in the real world – not online.
Here are the ten signs of a good man…
#1 He asks you meaningful questions
When I first meet a man, one of the sexiest traits he can possess is asking me good questions.
I’m not talking about rapid-fire interview questions, but thoughtful ones like, “What’s the best part of your day so far?” or “You mentioned you’re from Oregon, what was it like growing up there?”
A man who truly wants to get to know me is a man I’m definitely interested in spending more time with.
A man who doesn’t ask any questions – or only enjoys answering mine – is a major turn-off. It makes me feel like he doesn’t value me or care to know who I am and what makes me special.
You want a man who makes it clear he wants to learn about you from your first conversation together. Not the one who makes assumptions about you or doesn’t care enough to get to know you.
Bonus: If he’s naturally curious about you, he’s likely curious about life in general – which means you’ll always have new things to talk about and teach each other.
After all, creating a meaningful connection is the secret to triggering emotional attraction in a man.
#2 He's fully present with you
This one is especially important if one of your top love languages is quality time. You want the man who puts down his phone to talk to you and keeps it away at the dinner table so he can focus on you.
He knows how to be present in every conversation. And when he asks how your day was, you feel he’s truly listening to the answer.
#3 He takes responsibility for his choices
Another attractive sign of a good man is one who takes responsibility for his words, actions, and choices (also known as a high-value man) and aligns his day-to-day life with the goals he wants to achieve.
I once dated a man who had made some very poor life choices (one of them led to bankruptcy, another was consistent dishonesty), but he refused to take responsibility for the consequences of those choices.
He preferred to adopt a victim mindset of, “Bad things just happen to me” instead of accepting the hard truth of, “My bad choices always catch up with me eventually.”
It was a disappointing and completely unattractive quality in him.
#4 He respects you - and your feelings
I remember one of my past boyfriends told me that I was unlike any other woman he’d ever met – my insights, my perspectives, my personality – which was a beautiful compliment.
But then throughout our relationship, he proceeded to make assumptions about me that I was the same as every other woman he’d dated.
His philosophy was that if he couldn’t understand someone’s perspective or feelings – including mine – then that perspective or those feelings were “unreasonable.”
Do not date a man who does this to you. Repeat: Do not date a man who does this to you.
People can’t control their feelings, only their behavior. You need a man who respects you and your feelings, no matter how you feel. Even when he doesn’t understand them.
You need a man who accepts your feelings even when he doesn’t understand them and never makes you feel like they’re invalid simply because he doesn’t share the same ones.
#5 He has solid communication skills
Another sign of a good man is that he’s a great communicator.
After decades of honing not only my own communication skills but coaching and writing books to help others do the same in their own life, I naturally want to help people improve in this area when the opportunity arises.
But I realized the hard way that to welcome someone into my life, either as a friend or romantic partner, they need to have already mastered at least moderate to advanced communication skills.
They need to have already done the work of learning how to be vulnerable, how to be completely honest and transparent, and how to start conversations around difficult topics.
If someone doesn’t have those skills yet but wants them, I’m happy to them on as a coaching client.
But for the people I invite into my personal life, this inner work is a pre-requisite so that we can enjoy the benefits of an openly communicative relationship right off the bat.
Taking a gamble that those skills may or may not develop sometime in the future is a hard no.
#6 He makes you laugh
One of my favorite signs of a great guy is a guy you can laugh with – a man who makes one of his goals in life to see you smile every day.
Not everyone is going to get your jokes or your humor because not everyone is meant to come into your life.
And that’s another benefit of showcasing your authentic self: it speeds up the filtration process of finding the people you truly resonate with.
Should you stop dating a man simply because you have different senses of humor?
Not necessarily; but humor is typically a big part of any relationship, so it’s something to keep in mind during the dating process.
Most people want a partner who can make them laugh, not one who they have to explain their jokes to.
#7 His words match his actions
Now it’s time to keep his answers in mind as you go through the dating process with him to make sure his actions match his words.
Lying is a lifestyle, and no one becomes a habitual liar overnight.
It often starts with small lies – “white lies,” you tell yourself – but they get you more and more comfortable with speaking words that aren’t true.
Then the lies start to get bigger and pretty soon you’re believing your own untruths – i.e. pathologically lying.
This gradual process is toxic and puts your moral compass completely out of whack.
The uncomfortable feeling that sets in a lie is told, which is your conscience trying to get you to tell the truth, starts getting normalized to the point that you stop acting on it.
When you get comfortable lying, it’s very hard to go back to being truly honest. You’ve completely re-programmed your default from telling the truth to sharing whatever aids the outcome you want in the moment.
You need a man who is upfront and makes choices that he can confidently stand by in the future instead of having to hide them.
#8 He demonstrates kindness
To spot this core value of a good man, watch how he treats people.
You want a man who consistently demonstrates kindness to you and others, and gets true joy from making people happy.
Maybe he gives you his undivided attention, enjoys treating you to dinner, or gives you compliments throughout the day.
He doesn’t do any of those things expecting something in return. He gives them freely and everyone around him can feel that.
If a man is rude to other people, it’s only a matter of time before that treatment will be coming to you. Trust me on that one.
#9 He makes you feel safe
Men love to be protectors, but sometimes they don’t realize that making a woman feel safe is more about her emotional safety than her physical safety.
Often just having a man listen to you and comfort you after a bad work review or a friend who deeply disappointed you make you feel safe and cared for.
Safety also extends to aspects such as reliability and punctuality.
A man who consistently shows up on time and always does what he says he’ll do can make a woman feel extremely safe and cared for.
You want a reliable partner who has your back, no matter the circumstances, so you two can take on the world together.
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#10 He defaults to doing the right thing
The final sign of a good man is that he consistently defaults to doing the right thing – which is usually the simplest thing, but not always the easiest.
If a man forgot your birthday, does he avoid the topic or lie about it (“Um, the flowers I ordered must have been delivered to someone else….”)?
Or does he tell truth and make amends (“It’s been an insane week at work, but that’s no excuse – I’m so sorry for forgetting your birthday. Let me make it up to this weekend with a special surprise.”)
People who habitually do the right thing, own the consequences of their choices, and engage difficult topics instead of avoiding them are extremely attractive.
You can trust that no matter what issues arises, they aren’t going to launch into blaming others or throwing a fit – they’re going to take charge of the situation and start coming up with solutions to navigate it.
What to look for in a guy: The 3 points of qualification
After you know the values you want your future guy to have, how do you spot those signs in the men you meet – as well as keep an out for signs he just wants to sleep with you?
People unfortunately aren’t walking around with their core values printed on their t-shirts, so you have to go on a treasure hunt to spot them.
Let go of your “physical type” and vanity metrics and seek out a man’s character by watching his words and actions as well as the feelings he gives you – which, again, can only happen in person, not online.
Those are the three points of qualification that show you exactly what to look for in a guy when dating:
- His Words
- His Actions
- Your Feelings
That man who held the door open for the woman carrying groceries? He’s showing his kindness and thoughtfulness.
The guy who just snapped at the pharmacist about having to wait five minutes for his prescription? Not so much.
It takes time for people to show their true colors, which is the whole purpose of the dating phase: to gradually get to know someone and see if you want to have them as your partner for the long haul.
I’ve met many men who had honed their charm skills, but I soon discovered they’d put zero effort into developing a good character or living their values.
I’ve also met men who were more on the reserved and modest side, but once I came to know them more, I found out they were driven, successful, fascinating, kind, and all-around incredible humans.
Once you know how to look for what you truly want in a man – and let go of the aspects that don’t matter in the long term – you’ll start spotting quality men who fit exactly what you want in a committed partnership.
1) His Words
The dating phase is the time to get genuinely curious about a man who might be in your life for a long time – and hearing his words is a great place to start.
This will help you use your meaningful conversations as a way to discover if the man you’re chatting with could be right for you.
The key to knowing how to talk to a guy is simply speaking to him the same way you would a good friend. So approach each question with pure curiosity, not judgment.
If he doesn’t quite fit what you’re looking for, that doesn’t mean he can’t be perfect for someone else.
2) His Actions
Words are a great first step to getting to know a man and what he values, but the next step to spot the signs of a good man is to pay attention to what he does in relation to what he says.
Or, put another way…
And just to really drive this crucial point home, bringing out a heavyweight philosopher…
Watching a man’s day-to-day actions and choices is a great way to screen for those who fit your values list.
Write down a list (or grab the ones you made from the previous article) of the qualities you want in your future partner and note a few everyday actions associated with each of the core values you’re looking for.
This will help you instantly spot men who have those values simply by observing how they live their life.
For example, if one of the values you want in a man is reliability, what does that look like in action?
That could be showing up on time, being responsive, or following through on his commitments. Actions like these are indicative of a deeper driving value, and a preview of what’s to come if you continue dating him.
Remember: the way someone treats others is a preview of how they’ll eventually treat you. You want a man who is consistently taking actions that align with his values – and applies them to everyone.
3) Your Feelings
The final part of spotting the key signs that reveal a good man is recognizing how he makes you feel.
Words and actions are great ways to see if he has the values you’re looking for, but ultimately you need to know how he consistently makes you feel.
Here are a few questions to continue asking yourself during the dating phase:
Maybe a man’s sense of humor tends to be heavy on the sarcasm and it makes you uneasy because it’s hard to tell when he’s joking.
Perhaps he has a bad habit of interrupting you and turning the conversation back to him, which makes you feel like he doesn’t care about what you have to say.
Here’s an example of instantly knowing when someone didn’t make me feel good: I was at the Dallas DFW airport sitting at a restaurant bar next to a man.
I handed my driver’s license to the bartender, and she said, “I love Oregon, it’s so beautiful.” The man then turned to me, asked how long I’d been living in Oregon, and we started up a conversation.
He started sharing a story about a motocross race he had been in but kept skipping around and leaving out key aspects to the point that I couldn’t follow along.
Using my Empathic Listening Technique, I finally jumped in and asked a clarifying question to get more context – to which he snapped back, “It’s my story, hold on!”
Needless to say, that reaction didn’t make me feel good, so I just started tuning him out. I had zero interest in continuing a conversation with someone who spoke to me like that.
Be aware of how a man makes you feel, starting with your very first conversation with him. Don’t forget that when you first meet someone they’re usually on their best behavior.
That means any unkind habits that surface in your first few interactions are likely only the tip of the iceberg.
Other tips to spot and prepare for the right man
Here are a few other key tips to discover if a man is the right man for you…
Get Repulsed (for a good cause)
Just as you can use your feelings to spot a man who might be right for you, you can also use them to tell if he’s wrong for you.
Remember the list of aspects you don’t want in a man and start associating those traits with the emotions those experiences made you feel in the past.
When you spot a trait you don’t want in your future partner, immediately associate it with the pain it’s caused you in the past.
For example, I’ve dated so many men who became unreliable (either as their general lifestyle habit or in not valuing me) that I’ve associated unreliability with emotional pain.
That means if I get a whiff of unreliability from a man I meet – either from his words, actions, or how he’s making me feel – I’m immediately turned off, because I feel the past pain and disappointment around that.
Similar to overcoming fear of failure by sitting in the pain of regretting a missed opportunity, sit with the emotion of how you felt when you experienced a negative trait or lack of core values in a man.
Literally, get repulsed by them and act accordingly.
Clear Up Your Dating Karma
While you’re on the lookout for the signs of a great guy, just remember that he’s on the lookout for signs of a good woman. In other words, make sure you’re being the type of quality person that you want to attract.
When you exhibit the same traits as you’re looking for in a partner, you automatically feel worthy of him too.
If you don’t feel worthy, you risk sabotaging things with him by knocking yourself down to the level of treatment you feel you deserve.
After you’ve pared down the list of core values you want in your partner, ask yourself if you’re living those same values in your own life.
For example, if “honesty” made your list of core values, maybe you think back to a few months ago when you told a small lie because it was easier than being upfront – and it’s been nagging at you ever since.
A good first step in being the same quality person that you want to attract would be to go and correct a choice from your past that didn’t align with the values you’re seeking.
Start taking action to live out your values right now, as opposed to waiting for an opportunity to come to you.
Living out the core values you desire in a partner will help the man who shares those values find you – because you can bet he’s looking for the same values in the woman he wants to be with.
When you’re living your values, you attract the person who shares those values.
Know Where to Meet Men
After working with thousands of single women over the years, I’ve seen many of the same questions come up in our conversations, including…
But one of the most common questions I get from my coaching clients is, “Where are the good single men?”
My answer: “They’re literally everywhere!”
Great men are doing the same things you are.
They’re going to the grocery store, picking up clothes at the dry cleaner, taking their dog to the park, riding the subway to work, grabbing lunch at a cafe, catching a flight at the airport, and hopping in an Uber pool.
You don’t have to go to a bar to meet them; there are plenty of daytime places to find them that don’t involve alcohol and the presumptive circumstances that tend to come with drinking.
Here’s a list of my top favorite places to meet men: airports, hotels, hospitals, concerts, and parties.
In other words, any place where there is a concentration of people brought together by some type of common interest or purpose.
You want places that have a constant flow of movement so there are always new people coming into the scene and less pressure you need to put on each interaction.
Be Open to a Different Package
A man’s character and core values are what matter most in choosing your future partner, but you can’t reveal those aspects simply by going off his looks.
Release physical expectations because the right man will likely show up in a package you’re not expecting.
I’ve dated men from all seven continents (had a fling with a guy who spent a few seasons in Antarctica), all different ages, professions, and of all major (and some minor) religions.
Being completely open to seeing the man for who he was, and not a demographic, enabled me to create incredible connections with guys of all different cultures.
I simply focused on each one as a person and didn’t let the outside package influence my decision to explore the connection.
To be honest, I was not immediately attracted to any of my boyfriends when I first met them (sorry, guys).
But as I came to know each of them on a deeper level, each one at the time I was with him became the most handsome man in the world to me. I saw him for who he was as a man and loved how he made me feel.
Also, remember that a man who is bad at dating might be great in a relationship.
Maybe a guy just got out of an eight-year commitment, where he was a very honest, loving, and supportive partner but simply wasn’t compatible with his partner.
He’s probably going to be a little rusty when it comes to meeting and dating – but his relationship skills are fantastic.
If you write him off too quickly because he wasn’t the most charming man in the room, you may have missed out on an incredible man who could have made you very happy.
There are so many hidden gems of men hiding in plain sight who would love for you to identify them by their values, not their looks.
This is why it’s important to learn not only how to flirt with a man (in a non-obvious way) you’re attracted to, but how to flirt with everyone – and see what surprising attraction may come of it!
Make Space For Him - Literally
Another fun way to prepare for your Mr. Right is to start making space for him in your life – literally.
Start sleeping on one side of your bed in anticipation of him sleeping on the other side. Keep an empty drawer so that your future guy already has a place to put his stuff when he spends the night.
It sounds strange, but it’s fun to let your imagination go with this and start to dream about what you want your future relationship to feel like.
Have fun imagining your life and the feelings you want to have with him. Those will not only help you spot the right man when you meet him but also help you attract him to you.
Taking these small actions also puts you into more of a receiving mode, which is one of the key aspects of tapping into your feminine energy when dating.
Making space for a man also applies in a relationship.
It’s one of the aspects that inspires him to commit without pressure – simply by letting him know he’s welcome in your life but you’re not trying to control him.
Conclusion: 3 signs to reveal a good man
Before you can spot the signs of a good man, first you have to know the key traits to look for. Here are the ten signs of a good man to keep an eye out for:
Now that you know what to look for in a guy when dating, watch if his words match his actions and see how he makes you feel to make sure he’s truly the right man for you.
Then, you’ve completed the final part of my three-part process for how to attract the right man:
Coming up next...
The next article in our series is What Makes a Man Chase a Woman? The 2 Essential Traits – where you’ll discover…
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