In this article, you'll discover...
- The 5 triggers of emotional attraction in a man that spark his deep desire for you
- How to keep a conversation going with a guy so he always wants more of you
- How to get off boring small talk and into a meaningful conversation with anyone
Table of Contents
Want to know the secret behind triggering a deep emotional attraction in any man?
It’s simply creating a meaningful connection with him.
With our growing epidemic of loneliness, people are absolutely starved for meaningful in-person connections.
This is a big part of why dating is so hard for singles: millions of people are engaging in meaningless small talk, lies, and harassment on dating apps somehow expecting to find a potential partner.
But great news: When you become one of the rare people who can create a deeper level of connection – which I’ll show you how to do in this article – people simply won’t be able to get enough of you.
And, they’ll ask for your phone number to get more.
That’s why once you nail this first part of my two-part process to get a date with any man you desire, the second part – getting him to ask you out – is a breeze:
- Part 1: Understand what triggers emotional attraction in a man
- Part 2: Discover how to get a guy to ask you out
All Readers Welcome
While this article was written with single women seeking men in mind, as that’s the perspective I can personally speak to, most advice is applicable to all genders and orientations.
So, if you identify outside of a heterosexual female, let me extend a warm personal welcome!
I’m glad you’re here and hope my content helps you achieve your love/life goals even faster.
- Camille Virginia
But what exactly is a “meaningful connection?”
It’s a genuine conversation that feels natural, not forced in any way, and gives each person a feeling of deep fulfillment.
A meaningful connection is a genuine conversation that feels natural,
not forced in any way, and gives each person a feeling of deep fulfillment.
Going even further, a meaningful connection is being completely present in a conversation and co-creating a shared experience with someone.
It’s asking great questions – not because you’re afraid of running out of things to talk about, but because you’re curious about the other person and what they’re sharing with you.
It’s letting go of judgment and being open to learning something new about yourself by listening to the experience of another person.
And the most powerful meaningful connections happen in real life – not online.
That’s why I advocate offline dating – i.e. dating without apps – to all my clients, readers, and subscribers.
It’s not only more fun, but you’re more likely to be treated better and find a better match.
People are craving this level of connection more than ever since our innate need for it is rarely met in between all the distractions we are bombarded with every day.
It’s hard to achieve any level of depth when your attention is constantly being pulled in a million different directions and someone, or some company, always wants something from you.
It feels like there’s never enough time in the day, week, or year to do everything you want to do, see everyone you want to see, or go all the places you want to go.
That’s part of why we tend to avoid connecting with other people when out and about; we feel like other people don’t have the time and that there isn’t an immediate or tangible benefit to connecting.
So, we stay stuck on transactional small talk to get what we want or need in the moment and then go our merry way.
But limiting connections to surface-level rarely – if ever – provides a feeling of fulfillment. And certainly doesn’t help you connect with a man emotionally.
How to keep a conversation going with a guy
After discovering my secret behind how to talk to guys, the icebreaker topic will naturally die out (usually indicated by the fact that you’re not enjoying the conversation topic anymore).
Then, it’s time to transition to a meaningful level. And the quickest way to do that is by asking a personal question, like:
- “How’s your day going?”
- “Where are you headed?”
- “Good event so far?”
This is how you can tell if that handsome stranger complimented your yellow suede jacket because he genuinely liked it, or because he was using it as a reason to talk to you.
An easy question like those examples enables the other person to answer with as much or as little information as they want, which will instantly reveal whether they’re interested in continuing the conversation or not.
The 5 triggers of emotional attraction in a man
If you’re a confident, secure, conversational woman but still wondering why you don’t have a boyfriend, it may be simply because you aren’t connecting deeply enough with men.
People, including men, love to be seen, heard, and acknowledged on a deep level. But these days, most people rarely give their full, undivided attention to others to allow those aspects to come into play.
If you’re only connecting with men on apps, it’s very hard to go to any level of depth over technology.
Barriers like typing out words instead of speaking them, misspellings, and inability to hear tone of voice or see body language, can instantly strip the meaningfulness and depth out of a digital conversation.
So what triggers emotional attraction in a man?
Here are the Five Elements of a Meaningful Conversation:
- Element 1: Genuine Curiosity
- Element 2: Comfortable Silence
- Element 3: Empathic Listening
- Element 4: Zero Judgment
- Element 5: Sexy Contribution
Using the Five Elements gives every conversation a purpose and a direction, which means no more pointless, “Where the heck is this going?” interactions for you.
The framework creates a structure that naturally guides every chat into interesting topics, far better than any dialogue you could force or pre-plan in your head.
I recommend applying the Five Elements to every conversation, not just to create an emotional connection with a man, so they simply become a natural habit.
Each conversation may vary by topic and person, but the Five Elements will always be the same.
Each conversation may vary by topic and person,
but the Five Elements will always be the same.
Remember, your biggest fears around talking to men are actually your best opportunities to create a deeper connection with them.
Once you discover how to reframe your fears into these opportunities, you’ll have mastered the art of meaningful connection. I’ll show you how…
Element 1: Genuine Curiosity
- Fear: “What if I have nothing in common with this person?”
- Symptom: Avoidance of talking to strangers.
- Reframe: Nothing in common = everything to learn about!
- Remedy: The Art of Asking Awesome Questions.
The first element to trigger emotional attraction in a man is to be genuinely curious about him.
If you’re worried you can’t find anything in common with that hilarious guy you met at the bowling alley, here’s a powerful reframe for that fear:
Reframe: Having nothing in common with someone means I have everything to ask about them.
Reframe: Having nothing in common with someone
means I have everything to ask about them.
Think about a recent movie you’ve seen or book you’ve read. Odds are you chose it to learn more about the subject, right?
If you already knew every tiny detail about the topic or the story, you wouldn’t have wasted your time on it.
You invested in it because you had some level of interest in learning something new, even if it was a subject you were already familiar with.
The same goes for conversations. As humans, we all have a few essential aspects in common – like the need to eat, sleep, and fund our lifestyle.
So, if you’re scrambling for a topic to talk about, start with those. Here are some example questions:
- “Where are you from?”
- “What was it like growing up there?”
- “What brought you to [current city]?”
- “What do you do for fun?”
- “Do you enjoy cooking?”
- “What’s your favorite restaurant in town?”
- “Why is it your favorite?”
- “How did you discover it?”
- “Describe the best meal you had there.”
As you ask, keep an eye out for natural tangents that lead into other topics you’re interested in so you can learn something new, and/or go even deeper.
Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.
This is the key to not only connecting with a man emotionally but also keeping a guy interested: Engage him on a meaningful level and co-create a great conversation together.
Maybe your coworker answers, “What brought you to [current city]” by describing how she went from her hometown in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan to Santa Fe, followed by a year abroad in Singapore.
Now those are stories I want to hear more about – which means I’d have plenty of questions about each of those places.
The best questions to ask are unconventional, thought-provoking, and fun to answer.
The best questions to ask are unconventional, thought-provoking, and fun to answer.
Asking questions is also a great way to calm your nerves by turning the conversation spotlight away from you and onto the other person for a while. Just be prepared to have those same questions asked back to you.
Clearance to dive deeper
If you want to trigger instant attraction in a man, you need to go to new conversational depths.
When you have a good intention (versus one stemming from judgment), you can ask anyone almost anything.
The key is it must come from a place of pure curiosity and compassion because people can almost always feel the real meaning behind spoken words.
The same rule applies when you’re answering someone else’s question.
I used to struggle with giving my honest opinion to someone when they asked for it because sometimes I knew it wasn’t what they were hoping to hear.
But skipping the truth for the sake of “sparing” someone’s feelings is only being kind to yourself by avoiding making yourself feel uncomfortable.
If someone asks for your opinion, ask them if they want the truth. If they say yes, kindly give it to them.
Keyword: Kindly.
For example, one of your girlfriends tells you about her recent breakup and asks for your advice on what to do about it.
You already know that her ex is pretty much the same type of man as her last three. Clearly, she can’t see her pattern of choosing the wrong men and thus continues to make the same mistakes.
If you truly wanted the best for her, you’d push past the potential awkwardness in revealing your insight into the situation.
By avoiding telling her the truth to “spare her feelings” she may remain blind to it, which basically dooms her to keep repeating it.
That is not being a good friend to her.
You can point it out directly with an intention of kindness:
- “I care about you and here’s what I’m seeing as a pattern, what do you think?”
Or indirectly using questions that help lead her to her own realization:
- “What advice would you give me if I were you in this situation?”
- “Did you think about it this way?”
- “Did he ever treat you well?”
Going deeper on a general topic also gives the gift of self-reflection to someone who may never have come to those powerful, potentially life-changing conclusions on their own.
Maybe you’re talking to a man you just met at a birthday party who throws out a, “Why is life always so hard?”
Or a woman at the dog park whispers to you, “Seriously? What is wrong with men?” as you both watch a man yelling about his “New six-million-dollar deal!” loud enough for everyone within half a mile to hear all about it.
Those are generalized questions that could be an invitation to dig deeper – and having a conversation partner to talk them out with can help get to the root of them.
It’s all about how you say it – your tone, your phrasing, and most of all your intention.
Asking a question with genuine concern is completely different than asking the same question with the intention to judge someone and make yourself feel better.
That’s also why having a few casual but strategic questions to ask to know a man’s intentions is important as you’re going through the dating process.
You don’t just want the power to trigger emotional attraction in a man – you want the power to attract the right guy into your life.
Fact: People rarely introduce topics they don’t want to talk about.
So, if the person you’re chatting with brings up a seemingly sensitive story or subject, it’s fair game for you to ask more questions.
In fact, I bet they want you to ask about it because everyone else they tried to talk to about it avoided inquiring further; ironically, for fear of being rude.
When someone brings up a sensitive topic, that’s usually their subtle invitation to talk more about it.
When someone brings up a sensitive topic,
that’s usually their subtle invitation to talk more about it.
Be authentically curious
Curiosity is not only one of the 10 signs of a good guy, but it can also be used to spark an emotional bond with him.
You can learn something new from everyone you meet, so approach each person with genuine curiosity and an inquisitive mindset, such as…
- “I wonder what her story is…”
- “What’s the one thing he’s really excited about right now?”
- “What keeps her up at night?”
- “What can I learn about myself from him?”
- “Could she be a new friend or maybe introduce me to my future husband? Let’s find out!”
Even if you’ve known the other person forever, you definitely don’t know everything about them. You can spend a lifetime trying to learn all the different aspects of yourself and still barely scratch the surface.
When an old man dies, a library burns to the ground.
Besides, life is constantly changing for each of us.
Maybe you’ve known a friend for ten years, but in the past six months, he’s started his own business or won a battle against cancer.
He’s going to be a slightly different person after going through a big life change like those, or at least now has different insights and stories to share.
The key to asking great questions is to only ask ones you want to know the answers to – i.e. that you care about on some level.
Asking boring questions that neither you nor the other person cares about is a fast way to make yourself, and them, mentally check out of the conversation.
If a question isn’t fun for you to ask, it probably isn’t fun for someone to answer.
If a question isn’t fun for you to ask, it probably isn’t fun for someone to answer.
Also, people who are curious tend to be more into learning and self-development.
That means they’re more likely to have passions and purpose in their life, which are two traits that men look for in a woman they’re dating.
Ask questions you want to be asked back to you
Part of knowing what triggers a man’s deeper emotions is in revealing aspects about yourself to him as well.
If it’s hard to muster up curiosity or affection for someone you’ve only known for a few minutes, ask a great question for the sole purpose of discovering more about yourself.
You can learn something new about yourself in every conversation you have.
You can learn something new about yourself in every conversation you have.
Imagine you’re in line at the art supplies store and run into your elderly neighbor George.
You’ve chatted with George on and off over the years and thought you knew all that you needed to know about him: retired naval officer, widower, no kids, loves baseball.
But after spotting a chisel in George’s shopping cart and asking about it, you discover he used to be a well-known sculptor in Paris.
What?!
How did George make the transition from naval officer to high-profile sculptor – and what can you learn about your own career path from his experiences?
A few examples of questions that may come to you in that moment:
- “How did you find your talent for sculpting?”
- “What was the transition from armed forces to artist like?”
- “How did your life change when you made that transition?”
- “What was your biggest fear in doing it?”
- “What was the biggest lesson you learned from it?”
- “Any advice for someone who wants to jump into a different career?”
Ask yourself what you can learn from others’ experiences and questions like these will naturally start popping into your head.
Then, let people surprise you!
Not only will you get a hit of inspiration about your own life choices and options, but you’ll make the day of the other person who now gets to share a part of their life with you. It’s a beautiful win-win.
Also, chances are George will pick up that you’re considering a career change and ask you insightful questions about that.
Which, in turn, will help you articulate all those half-formed thoughts and mixed feelings you’ve been trying to process on your own until now.
By the way, elderly people have the best stories. Talk to them, ask them questions, and learn from them.
They are a wealth of information and life lessons. They also, sadly, have one of the highest rates of loneliness, so giving them the gift of connection – even if just for a moment – can have an incredible impact.
Asking questions about topics that you’re interested in is also a “hack” to steer the conversation toward your favorite topics, which then sets up the conversation to naturally showcase your awesome personality and life.
More on how to do this coming up in Element 5.
Go for depth, not breadth
To trigger emotional attraction in a man, aim for depth of questions, not breadth.
The fastest way to turn a conversation into an interview is by constantly switching topics, which prevents going deeper into any one of them. It’s also one of the fallacies I see in my coaching clients who tell me, “I have no clue how to talk to men!” or “Why can’t I get a date with a guy?”
They get nervous and start going into interview mode, asking random rapid-fire questions, which isn’t enjoyable for them or the man they’re talking to.
For example, I had a dinner date with a man who played a not-so-fun game of Twenty Questions.
It was almost as if he had a set of “Completely Unrelated Questions to Ask on a Date” and was simply going down the list.
He would ask one and I would answer – but when I tried to ask it back to him, he was already onto the next random question which had nothing to do with the previous one.
We ran out of things to talk about in ten minutes, and our food hadn’t even arrived yet.
On the flip side, if we had gone deeper on any one of those questions, we could have talked for hours.
So instead of jumping around, find a topic you’re genuinely interested in and ask insightful questions about it until it naturally segues to another interesting topic.
To go deeper on a specific topic, ask questions related to how someone thinks or feels, or the “why” behind what they did.
Examples of feeling, thinking, and “why” questions:
- “How do you feel about that?”
- “Why did you do that?”
- “What made you say that?”
- “What was running through your head?”
- “Tell me more!”
As you go deeper into connecting with a man emotionally, be prepared to find out fascinating things you never knew or could have guessed about him.
Heck, he’ll find out fascinating things about himself her never knew, because he hasn’t been asking himself thought-provoking questions like these.
If you tend to make flash judgments about others, getting to a level of depth like this can help dispel those quick – and often incorrect – assessments.
Maybe you thought your balding, middle-aged coworker in the next cubical was a boring man with no social life outside of his cat.
Until one morning you run into him in the office kitchen and ask how his weekend was…
…only to discover that he used to be a world-class chess player…
…or grew up in the highlands of Sri Lanka…
…or enjoys dressing up as Sailor Moon at Comic-Con events.
Get curious about who people really are and be open to going beyond your initial perceptions of them.
Every one of us is a complex creature who experiences thousands of different emotions and thoughts every day – as well as our own dreams, fears, regrets, and joys that have spanned decades of our existence.
Make it your mission to learn something from each person, because there is always something interesting to discover.
Make it your mission to learn something from each person,
because there is always something interesting to discover.
List: Best Types of Questions to Ask
All relationships start with one conversation – so make each one a good one and you might find a lifelong friend or partner in the process.
In summary, the first Element that triggers emotional attraction in a man is being curious about him. Here’s a cheat sheet of the best types of questions that can lead to a meaningful conversation:
- Ask open-ended questions related to feelings, thoughts, advice, and opinions.
- The goal is to go for depth of topics, not breadth of topics.
- Add details to your open-ended questions.
- The more specific the question, often the easier and more fun it is to answer.
- Turn a question around on the other person.
- Instead of answering the question, “What do you do for work?”
- Playfully ask back, “What do you think I do for work?”
- Ask a hypothetical question that’s actually somewhat possible or probable
- “If you could do anything without failing, what would you do?”
- “If you could master any skill, what would it be?”
- “If you could have another home in any place in the world, where would it be?”
- Go for depth of questions, not breadth.
- Ask questions you truly care about.
- Ask questions you want to be asked back to you.
- Bring up topics that interest you, or you want to go deeper on.
Element 2: Comfortable Silence
- Fear: “What if we hit an awkward silence?”
- Symptom: Constantly filling the natural silence with forced and/or superficial topics.
- Reframe: The longer the silence, the more meaningful and interesting the answer might be.
- Remedy: Allow as much time and space as needed for yourself or the other person to answer.
The next aspect to trigger emotional attraction in a man involves saying nothing at all.
If you have a fear of awkward silence in conversations, you may find yourself jumping in to fill every potential pause to prevent an uncomfortable moment.
But here’s the irony: constantly cutting the silence (or people) off like this reduces the quality of the conversation, which leads to even more painful silences.
It makes the other person feel like you don’t care about their answer, which usually makes them want to stay within the safety of small talk…
…which then leads to more frequent moments of dead air because no one knows – or cares about – where to take the conversation.
Hold the space for the other person to answer with as much or as little information as they want to.
“Silence is one of the great arts of conversation.”
Remember, all silences are not created equal. If you’re in a bar or club and the music suddenly stops, everyone knows that means it’s time to leave.
But silence or a long pause in the middle of a conversation can mean you inspired an insightful response that the other person simply needs a few extra seconds to think about.
Or maybe it’s simply giving space for the next topic of the conversation to naturally reveal itself to both of you.
As you become comfortable holding space for silence, it shows the other person you’re comfortable with yourself, and with them, in that you don’t need to force or prove anything in that moment.
It also shows that you value hearing their response and are confident enough to hold the space for them to process and share it, which creates a safe place for them to open up even more.
Reframe: The longer the silence, the more meaningful and interesting the answer may be.
Reframe: The longer the silence,
the more meaningful and interesting the answer might be.
The way to overcome your fear of awkward silences is the same as getting comfortable with eye contact.
Gradually push your comfort level with it, by a fraction of a second each time. This will start to build trust in yourself that you won’t keel over and die when you hit a natural pause with someone.
It also hones your ability to determine when a silence is, “I’m still thinking” or “It’s your turn to say something” / “Let’s change topics.”
Remember: Both people in the conversation are responsible for holding space for silence. It’s not solely your duty to handle it – although now you know exactly how to do it.
A great way to practice getting comfortable with silence when interacting with a man is to learn how to be approachable, where all my approachability tips can be applied without saying a word.
Element 3: Empathic Listening
- Fear: “What if I run out of things to say or don’t know what to say next?”
- Symptom: Crafting your response while the other person is still talking.
- Reframe: Staying present in the conversation is the key to always knowing what to say next.
- Remedy: Presence + Acknowledgment = Great Conversation (i.e. your presence is a present)
We need to address a common symptom that comes with the fear of not knowing what to say next: formulating your response while the other person is still talking.
The irony here is that when you stop listening to someone in favor of crafting your response to them, it prevents the one action that enables you to always keep the conversation going: Listening.
By really hearing a man, you make him feel special and cared for in a very powerful way… If you really want to make every man want you, become a masterful listener.
Truly listening to the other person means you’re following along with their story, which inherently provides clues about what the next question, topic, or comment might be.
Reframe: Giving a conversation my full attention always provides me with what to say next.
Reframe: Giving a conversation my full attention
always provides me with what to say next.
In this section, I’ll reveal my secret that can make anyone a great listener – which is the most powerful tip that sparks emotional attraction in a man:
The Empathic Listening Technique
The Empathic Listening Technique (ELT) gives you the power to harness the #1 key to creating a meaningful conversation and triggering a man’s emotional attraction…
The #1 key to creating meaningful conversation is to listen in images – just like the storytime days of when you were younger.
The #1 key to creating meaningful conversation is to listen in images.
Visual listening is a technique I’d been unknowingly practicing for years, completely unaware of it until I casually described the process to a client in a coaching session a few years ago.
Her response of, “That’s amazing!” made me realize it might not be something others were naturally doing.
It was also the perfect example of an epiphany that was only able to come to me via creating a meaningful conversation. Otherwise, I would have continued to assume everyone else was a visual listener too.
I’ll walk you step-by-step through the process of listening in images, which is simply immersing yourself in the story of the speaker by putting yourself in their place as they describe what’s happening.
When you do this, every conversation will become an experience.
- You’ll see what they see.
- You’ll feel what they feel.
- You’ll experience their story as if you were them.
Visualizing the other person’s story naturally keeps you present and focused on the conversation.
Visualizing the other person’s story
naturally keeps you present and focused on the conversation.
I should note this level of conversation is most powerful when done in person.
It’s nearly impossible to do this process from behind a screen or even over the phone, without the ability to feel the energy of the other person, read their body language, and enjoy locking eyes with them.
As soon as someone starts sharing a story with you, put on your visual listening cap and drop yourself into their shoes to become part of that story.
See what they see and feel what they feel as if you were them in that moment.
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Here’s an example: You’re at a networking event talking to a man who’s sharing about a stressful work meeting he had that afternoon.
Immediately visualize yourself in a meeting room. Imagine you’re feeling anxious.
Maybe even recall an actual work meeting from your own past where you were stressed out – or picture one of your past managers who was a little intimidating.
Start to paint the picture of where he was and what he was going through as he describes it. Then feel those same emotions.
To stay in someone’s story, you’ll likely need more information than what they initially provided you with.
Since it’s their story, they’re already familiar with all the details and might gloss over or leave out some crucial bits that help paint the full picture for someone who wasn’t there.
You can get any missing context by asking questions about the setting, characters, and emotions involved. This also shows the person that you’re truly listening to them and want to know more:
- “Why were you there?”
- “How do you know that person?”
- “Why did you say it that way?”
Asking clarifying questions can transform someone’s old story into a new experience for both of you.
Asking clarifying questions can transform someone’s old story
into a new experience for both of you.
These questions aren’t random, they serve a specific purpose: to give you enough information about the story so you can insert yourself into it:
- Environment (what’s the setting?)
- Encounters (who’s there and what interactions are going on?)
- Emotions (what are you feeling and why?)
Asking these questions gives the information you need to follow along in the story and naturally triggers emotional attraction in a man.
The more relevant details you receive about the story, the more questions will naturally pop up and provide endless interesting topics to talk about.
It’s the same phenomenon that happens when you stalk someone on social media: the more information you get, the more you want.
Never ask questions simply for the sake of filling space.
Make sure you’re invested in each question and it’s directly relevant to keeping you visually and emotionally connected to the other person’s story – then watch as you’re able to easily keep a guy interested in you.
ELT Example: Hiking Mount Everest
Here’s an example of the Empathic Listening Technique so you can watch this process of connecting with a man emotionally in action.
Imagine you’re at a friend’s house-warming party talking to a cute guy you just met – the conversation could go something like this:
You: “How do you know the host?”
- A casual and relevant question where the answers will likely lead to more conversation topics.
Him: “Alejandro and I studied abroad in Belarus together during college. How do you know him?”
You: “He and I were neighbors for a few years before he moved to this new home. That’s very cool that you studied abroad in Belarus, sounds like you like to travel?”
- Personally, I love talking about international travel, so I jump at any opportunity to segue into that topic.
Him: “I love to travel – the more remote the better! I actually just got back from hiking Mount Everest. It was life-changing.”
- He gave you a setting: Mount Everest. So, picture yourself on a huge mountain.
- Now, what’s it look like? Blue skies, you’re in the clouds, not a lot of people around.
- What’s it feel like? Freaking COLD.
- But you need more information in order to keep visualizing yourself in his story…
– Why are you on Everest?
– How did you get there?
– How are you feeling now that you’re standing there?
– Did you have to prepare or train for the hike?
- Pick one of those questions (or come up with your own) that you want to dive deeper into.
You: “That’s incredible! What made you want to hike Everest?”
Him: “Two years ago I took an Uber, and my driver was a Nepalese Sherpa who had summited the mountain twice. He had amazing things to say about it and I just knew I had to do it.”
- Okay, a new situation has been introduced. This is where the “choose your own adventure” comes in…
- Depending on which scene feels the most interesting, you can either…
1. Picture yourself in an Uber with a Nepalese Sherpa and ask more questions about that moment.
OR
2. Go back to the Everest setting and ask more questions to play out that experience instead.
- Let’s say you chose Everest. You already have the setting and now know why you’re there.
- So, what do you need to know or care about next to continue the story?
- Putting yourself in his shoes, you might be wondering…
– Do you have a friend there – or did you go alone?
– How big is your hiking group?
– How many days did it take?
– Just how cold was it?
- These are the last clarifying questions needed to paint a picture and “get into the role” of the storyteller.
- Now it’s time to ask deeper questions about his experience and the thoughts and emotions behind it.
You: “Did you go with anyone or alone?”
Him: “I went by myself. Our hiking group was small, with people from all over the world – me from the US, a couple from India, a man from Egypt, and three women from Australia.”
- Immediate first thought: This guy is a confident risk-taker who takes action on his dreams.
– Next thought: Wonder what other great stories he has.
– Thought after that: He went alone… wonder if he’s single?
- Before pivoting to those tangents, I’d want to go deeper on the Everest experience. Hello, life-changer!
- Remember: Go for depth of questions, not breadth. Questions which aren’t vital to the story can wait.
You: “What an eclectic group. Okay, tell me about the hike – how was that experience?”
- This is a purposefully open-ended question that gives him the space to share a memorable anecdote.
– That means he’ll love sharing it (who doesn’t love sharing to someone who wants to know about you?).
– That also means you’ll get a story about hiking on Mount Everest directly from the source. Yes, please!
- As he’s talking, listen for other aspects that you want to go deeper on.
Him: “It was even harder than I thought it’d be. Definitely the most challenging thing I’ve ever done in my life. Both physically and mentally.”
- Sharing that it was the most challenging thing he’s ever done is his invitation to go deeper.
- Now, most people would respond with something like, “I bet it was,” and leave it at that. But, not you.
- He just gave you two topics to go even deeper into: the physical challenges and the mental challenges.
– If you’re into sports or fitness you might choose to ask questions about the physical aspect.
– Personally, I love emotions, so I’d ask about the mental aspect.
You: “Interesting. Tell me more about the mental challenges.”
- This creates a safe space for him to go deeper by telling him you want to know more.
- It also turns it back to him to answer with as much or as little information as he wants to provide.
- You can bet he wasn’t hiking Everest, braving the brutal elements, staying on surface-level thoughts.
- He probably had some profound perspective changes, which I know I’d love to hear more about.
- Whether he’s willing to share them is up to him - but at least you’ve done everything to inspire him to.
I could continue this example forever, but hopefully, this paints a picture to show you how the Empathic Listening Technique can be used in conversation.
And how it not only creates emotional attraction in a man but also keeps a guy interested in talking to you.
I’ll show you my simple tip to steer that (or any) conversation into a date as the second part of the process of how to get a guy to ask you out.
Acknowledge without interrupting
When I’m sharing a story, idea, insight, or thought, even one word from the other person can break my flow of thought and make me forget what I was talking about.
Also, nothing says, “I don’t care about what you’re saying, can we talk about me now?” faster than interrupting someone.
Interrupting not only risks losing your train of thought but will likely keep both parties stuck on surface-level topics because there’s been no safe space created to feel truly seen or heard.
Meaningful connection means no interruptions – unless you’re jumping in to ask a clarifying question that’s necessary to stay in the other person’s story.
The fastest and easiest way to stop the habit of interrupting while still showing you’re listening is by making eye contact, nodding your head, and channeling anything you want to say into “Mmmms” and “Hmmms.”
Since those aren’t actual words and are expressed with a closed mouth, they show you’re following along without breaking the speaker’s flow.
Element 4: Zero Judgement
- Fear: “I don’t want to come off as rude or intrusive.”
- Symptom: Stuck on surface-level questions and topics.
- Reframe: Releasing judgment about someone allows me to show a genuine interest in them.
- Remedy: Turn judgment into curiosity, a compliment, or compassion.
The next element to trigger emotional attraction in a man is to release your judgment.
If you have a fear of coming off as nosy or intrusive, my guess is – no offense – on some level it’s because your intention is nosy or intrusive.
In addition to being an awful feeling, judgment of others will keep a conversation stuck on boring small talk because people can sense your harsh thoughts and won’t feel safe opening up to you.
Going deeper, the judgment of others is actually a fear of being judged yourself.
Men can feel when you’re judging them for the sins of the guys who came before them.
Whether it’s negative thoughts like, “Guys only want me for my body,” or thoughts that negatively generalize the entire male gender, such as, “Why don’t men ever approach me?” it’s a turnoff.
Let go of hurtful (and false) generalizations and accept that the man you’re talking to now has nothing to do with the men of your past. I guarantee it will start to reshape the way you view yourself for the better.
…when I can open up and see another person in a fresh way,
my own self-image transforms.
When you listen to someone from a place of curiosity and compassion, you create a safe space for them to be open and vulnerable.
This is very hard to fake; people can almost always feel intentions on a sensory level, even if they aren’t consciously aware of it.
To stop a bad habit of judging (like I used to have) and come from a place of good intentions, start by releasing judgmental thoughts as they come up and flip them to positive ones.
Reframe: Releasing judgment about someone allows me to show a genuine interest in them.
Reframe: Releasing judgment about someone
allows me to show a genuine interest in them.
So, how do you break the Judgment Loop? Just follow these three steps…
- Catch it and go deeper.
- Channel it into curiosity, a compliment, or compassion.
- Rinse and repeat.
First, understand where your self-judgment insecurity is coming from so you can start healing that wound.
Next, channel any lingering judgments into curiosity, a compliment, or compassion.
Finally, rinse and repeat until that way of thinking becomes a natural reflex every time a negative thought about someone else – or yourself – enters your mind.
Channeling your negative thoughts into positive ones will feel so much better – because judging always feels crappy.
Also, when you start to think nice thoughts about other people, you subconsciously start to assume they’re thinking nice thoughts about you too.
And thinking positively about yourself and others will help you bring great energy to your conversations and help trigger emotional attraction in the man you’re talking to.
A scientific process called “neuroplasticity” enables your brain to adopt a new thought habit like this.
You can create a new neural pathway (i.e. way of thinking) by catching your undesired thoughts as they pop up and redirecting them into thoughts that support what you desire to be thinking instead.
The pathways get stronger with repetition and eventually, they can become your new normal.
1) Catch it + go deeper
To reveal the root of the insecurity that’s causing your judgment, start noticing those negative thoughts the moment they happen.
For example, maybe you see a woman boldly sporting a bright yellow dress and catch yourself thinking:
- “Who wears something like that? What a weirdo.”
- “She must want a lot of attention. She’s trying way too hard.”
- “I wouldn’t be caught dead in a dress like that.”
Going deeper, thoughts like those might come from a place of jealousy about this woman who has the confidence to wear something eye-catching and is comfortable standing out from the crowd.
That could trigger your fear at the thought of being judged by others if you wore the same dress because you assume they’d have the same critical thoughts about you that you’re having about her.
So, instead of acknowledging your fears or jealousy, it’s easier to turn them into a not-so-nice thought about the woman.
Note: Jealousy can be a powerful way to reveal a desire you may not be aware of until presented with someone, or something, that triggers it to become a conscious thought – so listen to it.
Whatever the reason for your critical thoughts about this woman, accept that they aren’t truly about her and move on to the next step.
2) Channel it into curiosity, a compliment, or compassion
Once you catch a judgmental thought, channel it into curiosity, a compliment, or compassion.
When you start actively seeking out the good in people – and there is always something good – you create a new habit of looking for the positive, which overrides your habit of jumping to judgment.
Channel your judgments into curiosity, a compliment, or compassion, and self-judgment will melt away.
Compliments are you emitting real energy – and when it’s genuine,
the other person vibrates at a rate that makes them shine.
Find something you like about the other person or assume a good thought about them. In the example of the woman in the yellow dress, here’s what channeling those statements might look like:
- Curiosity: “I wonder where she got that cool dress.”
- Compliment: “What a beautiful dress, maybe I should add yellow to my wardrobe.”
- Compassion: “Good for her, the world needs more women who aren’t afraid to make a bold statement!”
Major bonus points if you share your positive thought with her – and truly mean it as you say it:
- Curiosity: “I love your dress. Where’d you get it?”
- Compliment: “Just want to say your dress is beautiful.”
- Compassion: “Bravo for wearing a bold color. The world needs more sunshine yellow!”
Making someone feel good will automatically make you feel good and can start building a new positive thought habit (“neural pathway”) turning negative thinking patterns into positive ones.
It will also help you naturally spark an emotional attraction in a man while also enjoying the process yourself.
The more positive thoughts you have about others, the more positive thoughts you’ll assume they have about you.
The more positive thoughts you have about others,
the more positive thoughts you’ll assume they have about you.
The more you practice, the faster you’ll begin to see the world through a new lens of kindness, as opposed to one of constant criticism.
Believe me when I say this new way of positive thinking will feel incredible and change your life in ways you can’t even imagine.
Plus, when you extend compassion to someone first, they’re much more likely to extend it back to you. So, give others what you yourself want to receive from them, and then you can both enjoy the gift exchange.
3) Rinse and repeat
As channeling judgment into positive thoughts becomes your new way of being, every person you talk to will feel it and open up to you even more, which will make your conversations a lot more interesting and personal.
You, like everyone, can feel when you’re being judged by someone.
And even though you may logically know that judgment has nothing to do with you (and everything to do with the person judging you), it still feels crappy and can prevent a real connection.
On top of that, releasing your judgment helps liberate you from constantly worrying about what other people think about you, freeing you up to move through the world without the weight of that insecurity.
This creates a new Judgment Loop that can become your even more fabulous way of being – and trigger deep attraction in a man in the process.
When you put on a performance – i.e. acting outside of your authentic self – that’s when the deep fear sets in that someone will “see through your façade” and call you out on being fake.
When you are simply your natural self around everyone and in every situation, there’s no performance to judge and no façade to risk crumbling.
You simply bring an uninhibited energy to every interaction – the same energy you would use in deciding which bunch of bananas to buy at the grocery store.
Imagine yourself in the produce section of the store, picking out bananas. Would it even cross your mind someone might judge you based on your selection?
Like, “Look at the weird bunch of bananas that woman just put in her cart – what a loser!”
Of course not. You’re picking out freakin’ bananas – there’s literally nothing to judge. You’re not turning anything “on,” which means you’re not putting on a performance that’s subject to review by others.
You’re just doing your thing. If someone doesn’t like it, who cares?
When being your consistent self becomes your default way of being, you don’t have to think twice about what to say, what to do, or what other people think about any of it.
It is simply what it is.
Element 5: Sexy Contribution
- Fear: “I don’t want to come off braggy.”
- Symptom: Conversation feels like an interview.
- Reframe: Equally contributing insights and stories deepens the connection and reveals compatibility.
- Remedy: Contribute as topics naturally come up, with zero expectations or need for validation.
The final element to trigger an emotional connection in a man is to make your unique contribution to the conversation.
If you have a major fear of being seen as braggy, my guess is you’re totally repelled by people who brag.
When we see someone acting in a way that totally turns us off, our natural reaction is to do the complete opposite of that behavior, so we don’t inflict those feelings of annoyance or repulsion on others.
The problem with this approach is when people take that avoidance to the opposite extreme.
For example, if you loathe bragging, in an effort to create as much distance between you and that behavior, you might not talk about yourself at all.
But going to any extreme always has its own downsides, which include, but are not limited to:
- Conversations turn into interviews (e.g. rapid-firing questions).
- Conversations get stuck at surface level (people won’t open up to someone who isn’t also opening up).
- People feel like you’re hiding something.
- People think you’re boring (because you’re not sharing anything).
- You leave no lasting impression on anyone.
- You'll be used as a sounding board to simply talk at instead of with.
- People will place little value on your time and energy because you haven’t given them any reason to do so.
Reframe: Contributing my own insights and stories deepens the connection and reveals compatibility.
Reframe: Contributing my own insights and stories
deepens the connection and reveals compatibility.
Instead of never talking about yourself and always making the conversation about the other person, move closer to the middle of the Sharing Spectrum and become an active participant in the conversation.
This will not only help you connect better with a man emotionally but also naturally keep the conversation going with him.
We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and most powerful selves
to be deeply seen and known.
Find this balance by simply showcasing your own relevant insights and stories as they naturally come up in conversation and releasing your need for validation from the other person. I’ll show you how, coming up.
Once you’re comfortable contributing insights and stories as they naturally pop up, you’ll make a truly memorable impression on people.
People can feel when you’re not seeking their validation and simply sharing a story for purposes of contributing to the conversation. It’s a crucial part of what creates emotional attraction for a man.
Here are nine approaches to practice sharing about yourself with others in any conversation:
#1 Gather daily insights and personal anecdotes
A great way to always have something new and interesting to share comes from simply being present as you go about your daily life.
Notice the colors, the textures, the people, and the random insights that pop into your head. It could be a big event or a tiny detail you noticed.
For example, maybe you’re at a deli and see a green Jell-O salad. Your first thought could be, “Poor Slimer from Ghostbusters went through a blender.” Crack yourself up with your awesome sense of humor!
Maybe later you’ll find yourself in a conversation with a man who asks, “How’s your day going?”
You can share the anecdote, “I went to this cute little deli downtown and the Jell-O salad looked like Slimer met his demise in a KitchenAid.”
Showing your weird side always makes conversations more fun and interesting, as well as attracts the right people who accept and adore you.
Maybe you’re into fashion and saw a woman sporting a red cape at the coffee shop this morning and made a mental note of it.
Later that day you’re talking to a female coworker when the topic of fashion comes up and you share your insight, “I saw a woman with a red cape today and thought, ‘I need a cape in my life.’”
Et voila! Now you’re talking about fashion and capes.
Contributing anecdotes and insights adds depth to your life and inspires you to notice the extraordinary details.
Contributing anecdotes and insights adds depth to your life
and inspires you to notice the extraordinary details.
This is also why it’s important to know how to prioritize your life, so you have time not only for self-development and achieving your goals.
But you can also take time to smell the roses along the way – and then bring up a story about those roses in your conversation later that day.
#2 Create a purposeful juxtaposition
What’s one way to become instantly intriguing?
Share two very different aspects of yourself that seem almost contradictory to each other and watch people try to figure you out.
Getting information that seemingly conflicts will make them wonder what other interesting facts you harbor.
Sharing two different sides of yourself that don’t immediately “match up”
creates instant intrigue.
Here’s an example. One of my clients, Amanda, was dressing for confidence and conversation by wearing a pretty blue skirt to the grocery store.
As she pulled into a parking spot, a cute guy pulled into the spot next to her. He had a bike rack on his car, so he was clearly outdoorsy, which she is too.
But suddenly, she lost her confidence and felt inauthentic because the way she was dressed didn’t reflect that sporty side of her.
I told her that was a great thing!
She had the opportunity to create an authentic juxtaposition between the way she was dressed (which showed she cared about her appearance) and her athletic interests (which showed she had a love of biking).
Think about it. If you’re dolled up looking and feeling great and let slip, “I have a [insert cool bike brand] and love to go riding on the weekend,” in one sentence you’ve just become an outdoorsman’s DREAM WOMAN.
You can dress up like a lady and race down a mountainside on a bike? Yes-please-can-I-take-you-out-tonight?
What you’re wearing doesn’t change who you are as a person, so don’t hide or “play down” one side of yourself simply because your outer appearance doesn’t happen to reflect that in the moment.
Instead, purposefully play up the juxtaposition so you can create an instant fascination.
My coaching client, Rose, loves this approach. She’ll share her beliefs when the topic of religion naturally arises, then purposefully steer to the subject of music so she can also showcase her love of hip-hop.
Besides, if someone “can’t handle” that their initial assessment of you conflicts with the new information you just introduced to the conversation, they aren’t your person anyway.
You want people in your life – including the right man – who are open-minded and interested in getting to know you beyond your outer appearance.
What better way to do that than to show one side of yourself on the outside, and then purposefully bring up another authentic side of yourself in the conversation?
It’s fun to keep people curious and guessing – especially men you’re interested in. It not only triggers emotional attraction in a man, but it’s part of what makes a man pursue a woman.
They love the thrill that comes with not being able to figure you out, so go ahead and give it to them. Let them know there’s more to you than meets the eye – and they need to ask for your number to find it out.
Sharing seemingly-conflicting information can also serve as a powerful reminder for people to not judge a book by its cover.
If someone had you pegged as a certain type of person based solely on how you were dressed, your gender, your ethnicity, or any other external aspect, then surprise them with seemingly contradictory information.
This plants the thought that perhaps they shouldn’t jump to conclusions so quickly about the next person.
#3 Humanize yourself
Some people try too hard to make a great first impression in an attempt to receive the validation they can’t give themselves. My client, Elizabeth, calls them “Try-Hards.”
To differentiate yourself from those who are constantly seeking permission and acceptance from others, showcase your softer side by tapping into your feminine energy when dating and being vulnerable.
It will feel good revealing that you’re okay with being seen as an imperfect human (just like everyone else is) and helps others drop their guard too, giving way for a real connection to bloom.
It feels good to show people you’re an imperfect human and gives them permission to do the same.
It feels good to show people you’re an imperfect human
and gives them permission to do the same.
Here are some ways to show your human side (and spark an emotional attraction in a man in the process):
- Share a life lesson you recently learned.
- Share something you regret doing or saying (and what you would do differently next time).
- Share a time when your judgment of someone was wrong.
- Share an aspect of your life that you’re currently improving.
- Share a goal you’ve set and the steps you’re taking to achieve it.
- Share something you don’t know how to do but wish you did.
- Ask for the other person’s advice about something (including any of the above).
Sharing anything along these lines sets a different tone for the conversation and shows the other person you’re not trying to impress them or get their validation. It shows you’re comfortable and confident with yourself, and that you don’t take yourself too seriously.
Constantly having to show off or brag about your accomplishments reveals deep insecurity.
It takes more confidence to show the vulnerable sides of yourself and truly feel okay, regardless of how those aspects are received by another person.
An example of a “humanizing” but not-too-vulnerable story could be sharing that time you attempted a recipe for dulce de leche bars…
…but when gathering ingredients at the store, you somehow forgot to buy the dulce de leche (oops, my bad).
Or the time you were out with a friend and her coworkers, and one of them sent a drink over to you – but you blew him off because you were shy and didn’t know what to say, and had always felt bad about that.
Then, years later when you were scrolling through your phone and came across his name, you sent him an apology text – which is exactly what I did:
People want to connect with someone who is just as human as they are; someone they can relate to, learn from, and grow with.
People want to connect with someone who is just as human as they are;
someone they can relate to and grow with.
Having a partner who’s “perfect” only serves to put pressure on themselves to be perfect.
So, show your human side whenever possible, which gives the other person permission to show theirs, and you can create a bond even faster.
But don’t go too far on the “humanizing” spectrum into self-deprecation territory. It’s unattractive and screams, “Please validate me!” which is a conversation no one wants to continue unless they’re an emotional abuser.
#4 Aim for concepts, not people
I recommend kicking off your conversation contribution by sharing a story about an event or activity and then moving into the deeper concept or emotion behind it.
Great minds discuss ideas;
average minds discuss events;
small minds discuss people.
The goal here is to avoid getting on the topic of another person or group of people because that’s a slippery slope to Gossipville – i.e. a fast way to create an anti-meaningful conversation laden with judgment.
And judgment is the opposite of what creates emotional attraction in a man; he, and every human, just wants acceptance.
#5 Show, don’t tell
Go for depth over breadth by choosing a single aspect within a topic and then going deeper into it.
Put another way: Instead of answering a question or contributing to a topic with a laundry list of examples, choose one example and share the details and emotions you were experiencing in it.
For instance, if someone asks if you like to travel, listing off the past twenty countries you’ve been makes it hard to steer into meaningful territory, because the number of paths it can take feels overwhelming.
Plus, going for quantity over quality comes off as bragging, which can turn any chat into an unenjoyable competition.
Instead, respond to that question with a story about one of your favorite destinations and invite the other person into that experience.
Paint the picture for them.
Give them context.
Get descriptive; the story is in the details!
For example: “I’ve traveled a lot, but my favorite trip was a safari in Kenya. Growing up, I loved seeing animals at the zoo, but watching them in the wild was so much better. A highlight was when an elephant walked up to our jeep…”
This approach invites the other person into your story with relatable topics (childhood, zoo, travel), but still interesting stories and new information (Kenya, safari, elephant).
Go even deeper by sharing why you loved it, what you learned, and how it changed your life. Much more interesting!
#6 Take someone back to the moment
If you want to connect with a man emotionally, try describing a specific moment in time by adding context and a few vivid details.
This will help take people back to the moment with you and add instant depth to the conversation.
The goal is to bring them into your life by giving them a visual description of the person, place, and/or thing that isn’t there in the moment with you now.
The more interesting and relevant details you provide, the more directions you naturally give the conversation to go without being overwhelming.
Each detail becomes a potential jumping-off point for the other person to have their own insight, opinion, or be reminded of a similar story in their own life.
People tend to be comfortable with parameters; it reduces the feeling of overwhelm, which is a gift in our age of information overload.
Also, keep some pictures on your phone that relate to your favorite topics and stories of choice, so you can bring people into the story even more – like my hummus lady story.
#7 Ask questions you want to be asked back to you
As you discovered in Element One of a meaningful conversation, asking questions and introducing topics that you want to talk about helps you stay engaged in the conversation.
It’s also a great way to authentically showcase your awesome self!
When you ask someone a question, chances are they’re going to ask that same question back to you, which allows you to share your relevant stories and thoughts.
For instance, if you love movies, a good way to introduce that topic is to ask a question about it, like:
- “Have you seen any interesting movies lately?”
- “Any new movies you’re looking forward to?”
- “I’m looking for movies to add to my watch list, what’s one of your favorites?”
- “What’s the weirdest movie you’ve ever seen?”
It’s a topic you enjoy, but you’re not sharing your own experiences or preferences with it yet.
You’re letting the other person go first, knowing the question will more than likely come back to you eventually and give you free rein to share away.
#8 Talk about the future
If you can’t come up with an interesting conversation topic offhand, simply introduce your plans or thoughts about the future.
Talk about what you’re looking forward to, such as your weeklong Hawaiian vacation once your big work project is finally done, or your nephew’s birthday party on Saturday.
Share your daydreams, what you’re most excited about – the thoughts, questions, and even fears that run through your head while you’re lying in bed trying to fall asleep.
Those topics alone will give you plenty of things to talk about, keep the conversation interesting, and can help you process those thoughts out loud.
And they’ll help create deep emotional attraction in a man by creating a shared experience between you two.
Talking about the future will also put you in a good mood by reminding you about all the interesting and exciting things yet to come!
Maybe one afternoon you were flipping through Vogue, came across a gorgeous blue pea coat, and told yourself someday you’re going to own one.
Bring that up in conversation; it shows you put thought into what you want in life, whether it’s a big goal or a small desire.
The simple fact that you’re thinking about what you want is incredibly sexy. Even sexier is sharing the steps you’re taking to get it.
As another example, instead of just saying, “I want to go to Europe someday,” which is an instantly forgettable statement, describe which European country is at the top of your list and why you chose it.
Such as: “I want to take a train into Ljubljana to visit the castle on the hill and watch the Slovenian pipers!”
Now that’s a memorable statement that makes you instantly interesting and will get you excited about it in the moment.
You can also bet the next time Slovenia pops up in a conversation, the person you said that sentence to will instantly think of you.
Just make sure you have a genuine intention to do the things you talk about. Don’t fall into the trap of “all talk, no walk” – it’s a major turn-off.
Talking about the future also lets you see how a man is thinking about his future because being commitment-ready is one of the six qualities of a great partner.
Many people let life happen to them instead of planning it out and making it happen, so see which camp he falls into.
Conclusion: How to keep a guy interested - forever
Now you know exactly what triggers emotional attraction in a man – and exactly how to do it by following the Five Elements of a Meaningful Conversation:
- Element 1: Genuine Curiosity
- Element 2: Comfortable Silence
- Element 3: Empathic Listening
- Element 4: Zero Judgment
- Element 5: Sexy Contribution
When you follow this step-by-step formula, you’ll trigger his desire for you by giving him a connection he knows he can’t get with any other woman.
But that’s just the first part of the two-part process to secure a date with a man:
- Part 1: Understand what triggers emotional attraction in a man
- Part 2: Discover how to get a guy to ask you out
Don’t just save the Five Elements for the purpose of attracting men – they should be used in every conversation and simply become your default way of conversing.
Doing so will make every conversation energizing instead of draining, you’ll never run out of things to talk about, and your connection with every conversation partner will continue to deepen.
Coming up next...
The next article in our series is How to Get a Guy to Ask You Out: 9 Proven Ways – where you’ll discover…
- 3 easy ways to get a date in the real world (and have him think it was his idea)
- 3 casual ways offer up your phone number - even if you're super shy
- 3 rejection-proof ways to ask him yourself so you never risk feeling humiliated
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