14 Vexing Reasons He Hasn’t Made You Official – Yet
In this article, you'll discover...
- 14 reasons a guy may not want a relationship with you yet - and what to do about it
- The real reason modern dating is so messed up (spoiler alert: it's not you)
- 4 benefits of finding a man who wants a commitment (and is emotionally ready for it)
Table of Contents
“Why do guys never want a relationship with me?” my client Nadia asked me on our afternoon coaching call.
She was a smart, kind, beautiful woman, just like so many of my clients.
But, also like many of the wonderful ladies I work with, she had been consistently disappointed with the state of online dating and the lack of quality men who were seeking a committed relationship.
It’s a dangerous game to rely on technology, which has every incentive to keep you single (i.e. their customer), to make one of the most important decisions of your life: Attracting your future partner.
After so many online disappointments, harassment, and ghosting, it’s easy to start thinking the problem might be you.
Thoughts like, “Why don’t I have a boyfriend?” or “Why don’t guys like me?” start to creep in, and negative mindsets, like, “Men can’t be trusted” begin to feel accepted as a (false) fact.
As an offline dating coach, I’ve seen thousands of women experience these same challenges – and, at some point, asked themselves those same questions.
But instead of wondering, “What’s wrong with men today?” let’s shift your focus on how to attract the right man – including aspects like the qualities of a good boyfriend and signs of a good man.
All Readers Welcome
While this article was written with single women seeking men in mind, as that’s the perspective I can personally speak to, most advice is applicable to all genders and orientations.
So, if you identify outside of a heterosexual female, let me extend a warm personal welcome!
I’m glad you’re here and hope my content helps you achieve your love/life goals even faster.
- Camille Virginia
Finding a man who matches the qualities you’re looking for – like honesty, kindness, and intelligence – with whom you also feel that special spark can be a challenge.
On top of that, he has to feel the same way about you – or, at least enough to move to the next (of many) steps in the dating process en route to a committed relationship.
Sometimes you’ll think you’ve found that potentially perfect partner, who feels the same way about you…but he doesn’t feel ready for an actual commitment.
You’re not only left hurting, but now you have to start the dating process all over again.
14 reasons why guys don't want a relationship with you
There are many reasons why a guy may not want to be in a relationship with you – let’s look at 14 of the most common ones…
About him
The first five reasons a guy may not want a relationship with you actually have nothing to do with you, but everything to do with him.
It’s yet another reason why modern dating is such a challenge to navigate: even once you feel truly ready for a committed partnership, you have to put in the time to find a man who is as well.
And if the majority of the men you’re meeting and dating are online, where they’re behaving at their absolute worst, it’s no wonder finding a relationship can feel like an uphill battle.
This is one of the many benefits of offline dating – i.e. dating in real life, without apps: you can instantly confirm the basics.
A study by eHarmony revealed that 53% of Americans aren’t entirely truthful in their online profile – and those were just the lairs who were willing to be honest in a survey, so you know the number’s way bigger.
When you’re face-to-face with someone, they can’t lie about what they look like or fake their social skills.
In a matter of seconds, you just confirmed the basics – saving days or even weeks of emotionally investing in someone only to discover they’re not who they claim to be.
When you’re face-to-face with someone,
they can’t lie about what they look like or fake their social skills.
1) He's still not over his last relationship
The first reason why a guy may not commit to you is that he’s still healing from his last relationship.
Maybe that handsome man you went on two dates with simply isn’t over his ex-girlfriend who cheated on him.
He thinks you’re wonderful and is doing the inner work to heal and get ready for his next relationship – but he’s not quite ready yet.
Men handle heartbreak differently from women.
Women are more likely to cry it out, write it out, and talk it out – either with girlfriends, family, or in therapy.
And although a broken heart can feel more painful for women in the short term, we are usually able to fully heal and move on from it.
Men, on the other hand, tend to distract themselves from the pain (and, unfortunately, the lessons to be learned from it) instead of feeling into their emotions and expressing them.
It may seem like a man has moved on sooner after a breakup, like immediately going on dates or posting pictures of his wild trip to Vegas.
But until he goes through the full grieving process, he’ll often pay a long-term price for avoiding his true feelings of pain – sometimes a lifelong price.
So just because a man is actively dating after a breakup does not necessarily mean he’s emotionally ready for another relationship right now.
2) He has other priorities (career, finances, health, family)
Men are wired to focus on one thing at a time – think “Hunter-Gatherer” where they were tasked with the sole duty of finding meat to provide for their family.
Women are innately programmed to multitask – feeding the kids, cleaning the house, calling the gardener, buying the groceries, and getting our questions prepped for Parent-Teacher Night.
If a man is focused on making partner at his law firm, caretaking for a sick family member, or paying his way out of a rocky financial decision, each of those will be his number one priority right now.
He simply won’t be able to devote time to building a relationship with you, no matter how amazing he knows you are.
3) He's afraid or incapable of commitment
Another reason why a guy may not want a relationship with you is a fear of commitment. Everyone who has dated or opened their heart to another person has likely been burned on some level.
Sadly, some people never do the emotional work to fully move past a bad breakup or heartbreak, and it stays with them for the rest of their life.
So the fear of being hurt again trumps their desire to seek out companionship.
Other people have given into our cultural epidemic of FOMO (“Fear of Missing Out“) and are afraid that by committing to one option – or one person – they’re missing out on someone better just around the corner.
Or, in the case of dating apps, just one more swipe away.
Trust me, you do not want that guy who can’t move past a certain phase of his life, or who is constantly on the lookout for someone better.
You want the man who’s ready to invest in you and only you – and show you that every day.
4) He doesn't see you as "relationship material"
When you give a man the privileges of a girlfriend, such as having sex with him, without asking for a commitment from him, he simply won’t value you as much.
Humans – especially men – are wired to value what they have to work for.
If you show him it doesn’t take much to get you into bed, he’ll think you’re like that with every man and won’t put you on the same level as he would another woman who only sleeps with him once he commits to her.
Humans - especially men - are wired to value what they have to work for.
Sleeping with him too soon (e.g. before you’re committed to each other) often moves you from “potential girlfriend” bucket to “hookup” bucket.
And once you’ve been designated to a bucket, it’s hard to get into the other bucket – but the first step is to stop sleeping with him.
Another reason a man doesn’t want a relationship with you may be because he sees you only as a friend.
If you feel like you’re stuck in the Friend Zone, try giving a man the space to pursue you, tapping into your feminine energy around him, or discovering how to flirt with him without being obvious.
Any of these moves will help him to see you are the desirable woman that you are and can even get him to ask you out on a proper date.
5) He's not the right man for you
I wish relationships were as simple as, “I like you, you like me, let’s do this!” But, caring for someone doesn’t mean that you two share the same values.
Maybe the man you love defaults to secrecy and lies while you always tell the truth.
Or your lifestyles don’t align – he loves the hustle and bustle of the city, but you want your kids to grow up with a big yard and lots of animals.
You can only avoid these deal-breakers for so long before they come to a head, which is why I gave you 101 questions to ask a guy to reveal his intentions.
It’s hard to detach your strong feelings from someone who you simply don’t have long-term compatibility with.
Many people hold on well past their relationship’s natural expiration date, but the end is always inevitable – because, despite the love you have for each other, you simply want very different things in life.
About you
The next nine reasons a guy may not want a relationship with you are about you – which, great news, means you have full control over them…
6) You're not connecting deeply enough
If you feel like you meet a lot of men and/or go on a lot of dates yet none of those guys have wanted a relationship with you, you may not be connecting deeply enough with them (and, to be fair, vice versa).
If you’re more comfortable chatting with your guy over technology than you are in real life, it’s going to be very hard to create the deep bond required for a successful long-term partnership.
When you’re in person, you can feel each other’s energy, read each other’s facial expressions, hear your tone of voice, and make eye contact (which has been shown to be a key factor of falling in love with someone).
When you're in person, you can feel each other's energy, read each other's facial expressions, hear your tone of voice, and make eye contact.
You can see and feel truly seen by each other for who you are – not who you want each other to be from behind a screen.
Connection is a two-way street, but you have a complete advantage in the communication arena since you’re reading my material (especially if you apply my five-step process to trigger emotional attraction in a man).
One of the frustrations from my coaching clients who are actively dating is that they can get to a first date, but rarely to a second date or beyond.
I know immediately that means they aren’t connecting deeply enough with the men they’re attracting.
A meaningful connection doesn’t mean spilling your deepest darkest secrets to someone you just met.
It’s simply going a level deeper than the casual icebreaker used to kick off the conversation or boring question that’s been asked a million times already (“So, what do you do for work? Do you like it?” – snooze alert).
Getting to a meaningful level could be as simple as sharing a goal you’re working on (which is also a key way to attract a high-value man) or a mistake you made in the past and what you would do differently next time.
Those shares give permission for the other person to be vulnerable at the same level, which can lead to an instant connection between you two.
But if you stay stuck on boring or awkward small talk, you haven’t given the other person a reason to want more of that – or you – in their life.
Hence, no second date.
7) You don't fight fairly
Arguments are inevitable in any relationship.
But they can actually be a bonding experience if both people fight fairly and use the situation to work together and come to a resolution or compromise, instead of facing off against each other.
Unfortunately, many people pick up bad fighting habits from past dysfunctional relationships and – either consciously or unconsciously – apply those toxic approaches in their next relationship.
Name-calling, cussing at each other, or saying something with the sole intention of hurting someone may feel good for half a second, but then regret sets in and you feel terrible.
And it can do permanent damage to a relationship.
You can’t un-say things – you can only make it a point to do better next time. And if one or both of you haven’t learned how to fight fairly, the relationship simply isn’t going to work.
That’s why it’s important to remember the secret behind knowing how to talk to guys is to simply treat them the same as everyone else.
Don’t put him above or below you; address him as your equal and make sure you both treat each other with mutual respect.
8) You haven't given him enough space
Men tend to need a lot more space than women do.
They have smaller “emotional tanks” that fill up quickly and the only way to drain them is to give themselves some alone time or time with buddies to talk about everyday topics like sports, politics, or kitchen remodels.
Think of times you’ve needed some alone time, or perhaps distance from a close friend after traveling together for two weeks, and don’t take his request for space personally.
Having time and space apart from someone you care about doesn’t have to mean you don’t care for each other – it can just mean you need a little “you time.”
The worst thing to do when a man needs space is to cling to him and demand that he gives his time to you instead.
That move makes the situation about your insecurity and ignores his needs. And a man definitely doesn’t want a woman who ignores his needs to be in his life for the long term.
Note: Giving the right signals, and space, for a man to come to you is also a key tip to become approachable.
Enjoying the article?
Share it to spark a conversation and connect with your followers…
9) You don't share his core values
If you feel like guys never want a relationship with you, you might be missing one of the key aspects that men look for in a woman: shared values.
This is why it’s crucial to get clear on the values of a good man, ask questions to know a man’s true intentions, and understand what to look for in a guy when dating.
If your core values aren’t aligned with his, no matter how much you love each other, the relationship simply won’t work.
Maybe he’s always reliable and punctual, but you struggle to show up within an hour of when you said you’d be there.
If he is generous and loves to spend time and money on himself and others, but you’re more fiscally conservative, that will likely be a point of contention between you two.
A man may spot this difference in values early on and decide it’s just not going to work out between you two, even if he’s not consciously aware of why.
10) You forgot how to have fun together
Another reason a guy may not want a relationship with you may be because it’s been a while since you two had a genuinely good time together.
It may seem a little crazy, because why would you be in a relationship with someone you don’t have fun with?
But lack of playfulness and joy in a relationship is often a slow burn that happens gradually, until one day you wake up and realize you don’t even really like the person you’re sleeping next to.
Maybe you and the man you’ve been dating for a few months used to head out every Friday evening to your favorite neighborhood park, picnic blanket and bottle of wine in tow, to watch the stars and snuggle together.
Or you’d leave little notes for each other throughout the week filled with compliments and appreciations. But then life got in the way and now you can’t remember the last time you did any of those fun activities.
Having fun together is a must for every healthy relationship; without fun, what’s the point?
A good place to start is by brushing up on your flirting skills and discovering how to subtly flirt with a guy, no matter how long you’ve been together.
11) You don't show appreciation for him
Appreciation is to men what affection and reassurance are to women.
Men love being shown appreciation, especially when they can feel it’s genuine, heartfelt, and without any other conditions (like, “I really appreciate you – now go take out the trash.”)
Men love being appreciated, especially when they can feel it's
genuine, heartfelt, and without any conditions.
Most women genuinely appreciate the thoughtful gestures their men do for them – but if you don’t share those thoughts with him, how is he supposed to feel appreciated?
Just like you love hearing compliments from your guy, he loves and needs to hear that you appreciate having him in your life and all that he does for you.
12) You aren't sharing your needs (so he can't meet them)
I used to try to be the cool and casual girl by suppressing my true opinions, needs, and desires that I worried might repel a man from wanting to be with me.
I felt like my real self wasn’t interesting or worthy of men I liked, so I’d pretend to be someone I thought they would be more willing to accept.
But as time went on the “real me” started to come out – and suddenly the “play it cool and casual Camille” each man had been initially attracted to was replaced by “insecure Camille who needs a lot of attention.”
In doing this bait-and-switch, not only did I feel terrible, but I was putting the man’s comfort above mine.
I was also deciding for him what he was looking for in a woman, instead of letting him make that decision for himself.
As an HSP (“Highly Sensitive Person“), I have more needs and sensitivities than most people in the world.
I knew I needed a man who would be ok with those aspects of me and appreciated that they came with the package of a woman who’s deeply in tune with herself and others.
All humans have needs, but our needs are all different.
The only way to get yours met is to share what they are with the person you’re dating. It actually feels good to own what you want, ask for it, and get it – and will make your guy happy that he made you happy.
13) You're growing apart instead of together
If a guy doesn’t want a relationship with you, you might just be growing apart from each other. Similar to forgetting to have fun together, growing in different directions tends to happen gradually over time.
Maybe you’re not into running as a workout, but the man you’re seeing is into training for triathlons and starts spending more time with his buddies who are also training.
One day, you realize he’s giving up four to five nights per week to meet them at the gym, then head out for dinner together afterward.
Meanwhile, you’ve become more involved in volunteering at your local animal shelter, spending several nights a week and every Saturday helping cats get adopted out into loving homes.
If you and he don’t make a conscious effort to see each other and find shared interests or activities that you can do together, it can start to feel like you’re roommates more than you are romantic partners.
14) You already give him relationship benefits - minus the commitment part
The final reason why guys may not be committing to you is that he doesn’t see the value in going to the next level of commitment with you.
One of the ways to make a man chase a woman is to not sleep with him until you’re exclusively dating each other.
If you’re living together, sleeping together, and/or basically acting like a couple who’s in a relationship already – but without an official commitment or label from him – what’s his incentive to change that situation?
You’re not showing him any reason to take that next step.
Clearly stating your desire to find a commitment on the first date will make sure he’s on the same page and wants that too.
Clearly stating your desire to find a commitment on the first date
will make sure he's on the same page and wants that too.
That way, you won’t find yourself emotionally (and financially) invested in a man who was never going to commit to you in the first place.
Modern dating is messed up
The dating phase (getting a man to ask you out, going on dates, and exploring a connection before commitment) is the step that most singles get tripped up on in their journey to finding a lifelong partner.
Why?
Because if someone wants to jump into commitment without going doing the inner work to be ready for it, chances are they won’t be in the best emotional (or logistical) place to attract the right person into their life.
That’s like graduating college with zero work experience and expecting to be hired into the C-suite of a Fortune 100 company.
I get it, the modern dating process isn’t easy to navigate – it can feel like an unpaid second full-time job in terms of time, energy, and emotional investment.
And RomComs don’t make it any easier by telling you that Matthew McConaughey is just around the corner waiting to rescue you from a run-away dumpster.
But you can’t skip important aspects – like learning how to prioritize your life, falling in love with yourself, creating meaningful connections, and knowing when you meet the right man – and expect to find a quality partner.
Even if you do attract a man into your life without doing the inner work and taking the outer actions, chances are he’ll either be the wrong man or you’ll self-sabotage the relationship because you don’t feel worthy of him.
Take it one date at a time
Instead of focusing on defeating thoughts like, “Why do guys never want a relationship with me?”, shift your attention to being a woman worthy of a wonderful, loving relationship.
Do the work to get into a great place with yourself and your life before you meet your potential partner.
Then when you meet a man who has the potential to be the right man for you, simply take it one date at a time so you know who you’re truly getting involved with.
Just remember that finding a relationship isn’t an end goal where, once you hit it, you’re good to go for life (I honestly used to think this – one and done, baby!).
A relationship simply starts a new phase of adventure with someone, where you’re navigating the ups and downs of day-to-day life like finances, home ownership, and who’s going to stay home with your sick child.
Hitting a major life milestone just means you’re starting a whole new journey to the next one.
Hitting a major life milestone just means
you’re starting a whole new journey to the next one.
Dating is a preview of what your new life with a man is going to be like – but don’t forget he’s likely being on his best behavior while he’s dating you.
It takes time for people to show their real selves and to reveal true compatibility.
Even if a man technically fits everything you’re looking for, you have to feel he’s the right man for you, which can only come from spending quality time with him.
Despite the desire for (and delivery of) instant gratification, the best things in life are still worth waiting for.
Despite the desire for (and delivery of) instant gratification,
the best things in life are still worth waiting for.
If you feel like the guys you date aren’t willing to commit to you, just take a breath and reflect on the reasons why that might be.
Is it the men that you choose or aspects of yourself that need to change – or a combination of both?
Your search for the right man is a journey with many fears, challenges, and risks to conquer along the way.
But navigating through those aspects is what will make you a better, stronger woman – and thus, a better, stronger partner.
The purpose of the dating phase is to see if you want to continue investing your time and emotions into this man and possibly build something together for the long haul.
Take your time to get to know him and show him who you authentically are, too.
4 benefits of knowing how to find relationship-ready men
The point of the dating process is to make sure you’ve attracted the right man so you can create a loving, secure relationship with him for the long term.
You want to make sure you and he are on the same page with the big stuff and check in with your gut if he’s the one for you – especially before making life-altering decisions (marriage, moving cities, having kids).
If I’d taken that advice years ago, I wouldn’t have ended up watching four NYPD officers haul my now ex-husband out the door the day after Christmas – or gone through a yearlong emotionally draining divorce.
There were red flags that popped up in the first month we started dating, but instead of acting on them and losing a man I’d already fallen in love with, I chose to ignore them – which led to my worst Christmas ever.
Though that was the logistically worse breakup I’ve been through (moving out of our midtown Manhattan apartment within 24 hours, securing my former apartment in Chicago, and dealing with five attorneys across three states), emotionally it was the easiest.
It also was the catalyst to start my business Master Offline Dating and to write my best-selling book, The Offline Dating Method.
There are always valuable lessons and a silver lining you can find, even in the absolute worst of times.
There are always valuable lessons and a silver lining when you look for them,
even in the absolute worst of times.
That experience was also the third time I’d moved to a new city to be with a man, only to have the relationship end within a month.
Moving cities is hard enough – leaving behind friends, family, and familiar places – but dealing with heartbreak on top of it is even worse.
I should have screened each man I moved for better than I had, and I take responsibility for not doing that.
So please, take your time in the dating process before rearranging your life to be with a man who doesn’t deserve you or who will never align with what you’re looking for.
Do the work on yourself, be careful who you choose to date, and ditch the defeating script of “Guys never want a relationship with me!” so you can start attracting happiness beyond your wildest dreams.
Once you discover the reasons why men haven’t officially committed to you and start shifting your approaches to inspire him to make you official, there are several benefits you’ll start enjoying…
#1 Avoid attaching to the wrong man
When we first meet someone, most people are on their best behavior.
Some people even pretend to be someone they aren’t, either because they don’t feel their real self is worthy of you, or because they know they have certain traits that are off-putting or even toxic.
This is why you have to go through the dating process: to see if the person you’re considering committing to ever “breaks character” and reveals themselves to be a different person than they claimed to be.
Giving yourself time to get to know him by dating slowly – i.e. not rushing into a relationship, or bed, together – will ensure he’s the right guy before you two make emotional, physical, and financial investments together.
#2 Continue connecting deeper - forever
Using my Five Elements of a Meaningful Conversation to connect with a man emotionally will help you create a deeper bond with each other on every date – and well beyond.
Getting to know someone is like peeling an onion – simply take it layer by layer, throw in a few tears, and see what they reveal.
In the right relationship, you’ll get to know yourself even better in the process of getting to know your partner.
Their stories and insights will reveal new ways of thinking and lessons to you that will help you view your past differently as well as help make your life better in the future.
#3 Never run out of things to talk about
When you feel like guys never want a relationship with you, they likely aren’t feeling enough emotional attraction for you.
Creating an emotional connection with a man is a skill that goes well beyond the dating phase; you’ll continue using it throughout your entire relationship with him.
In addition to connecting deeply, using the Five Elements of a Meaningful Conversation gives endless possibilities of conversation topics to chat about.
When you apply those techniques, you’re putting yourself in the story of another person and can instantly spot more questions you want to ask, new topics to dive into, and enjoy the unexpected places the conversation will go.
It’s impossible to learn everything about someone, including yourself, in one lifetime. There are endless topics to dive into, insights to have, experiences to share, and lessons to learn.
Having the right partner to explore all of those with is one of life’s greatest treasures.
#4 Enjoy a lifelong commitment together
As a human, you are wired to seek partnership and intrinsically rewarded (via hormones like dopamine) to have one person who is your go-to for both the good times and the bad.
Whether you just sealed the deal with a big new client, or your beloved 18-year-old cat Mr. McGillicuddy suddenly passed away, you want your person to celebrate with and support you.
Great relationships require effort. You have to carve out time for each other, ensure both of your needs are being expressed and met, and consistently be learning and growing together (instead of apart).
But the reward of investing all that work into the right person can create an incredible partnership of love and fulfillment that lasts for the rest of your life.
Conclusion: Why he won't commit - and what to do next
While all humans inherently seek companionship, men are wired for commitment differently than women.
So if it feels like the guys you date never want a real relationship, it’s likely you just need a few small shifts in your approach with men before everything starts falling into place.
Unless a man has done the inner work on himself to be fully ready for a committed relationship, he simply may not be ready for that life step right now – or, in some cases, ever.
Here are 14 reasons guys may not want a relationship with you – yet…
About Him
- 1) He's still not over his last relationship
- 2) He has other priorities (career, finances, health, family)
- 3) He's afraid or incapable of commitment
- 4) He doesn't see you as "relationship material"
- 5) He's just not the right man for you
About You
- 6) You're not connecting deeply enough
- 7) You don't fight fairly
- 8) You haven't given him space
- 9) You don't share his core values
- 10) You forgot how to have fun together
- 11) You don't appreciate him
- 12) You aren't sharing your needs (so he can't meet them)
- 13) You're growing apart instead of together
- 14) You already give him the benefits of a relationship
When you discover how to navigate from dating to a relationship, you’ll be able to…
- #1 Avoid attaching to the wrong man
- #2 Connect deeply on every date
- #3 Never run out of things to talk about
- #4 Create a lasting commitment
If you feel doomed that guys will never want a relationship with you, just remember you may be closer to a commitment with them than you think you are.
Oftentimes men just need a little loving nudge over the fence to make the leap into a committed relationship.
Sometimes all it takes is a little effort to assert your value as a quality woman and authentically show him the benefits he’ll enjoy when he commits to you.
Was this article helpful?
Share it with your followers to help them date and connect better!
As an Amazon Associate I may earn commission from qualifying purchases.
