Why Don’t Guys Approach Me?

10 Little Habits That Repel Great Men
single blond black woman with jacket frustrated why guys don't approach her

In this article, you'll discover...

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Am I unapproachable?

If you’ve ever wondered, “Why don’t guys approach me?” or can’t remember the last time a man showed an interest in you, your Approachability Factor might just need a little boost.

But how do you do that?

A well-meaning friend who casually advises, “If guys don’t approach you, just be more approachable!” only serves up vague advice on an undefined topic – which is super unhelpful, thanks.

Before we dive into mastering the art of approachability, let’s define what “approachability” actually means. 

As an offline dating coach who’s been approached by hundreds of men without ever going online (and helped my clients get the same results), here’s my definition…

Approachability is creating a safe space for others to engage with you by removing barriers and lowering their perceived risk of rejection.

Approachability is creating a safe space for others to engage with you by removing barriers and lowering their perceived risk of rejection.

Approachability is a magical phenomenon that can only happen in real life – not online. 

It involves intention, courage, and risk of in-person rejection – which means people place a higher value on that interaction (and, thus, a higher value on you) than they otherwise would swiping from behind a screen.

Growing up, I suffered from social anxiety – especially around men I was attracted to. 

So, I would intentionally come off as unapproachable because I was afraid of feeling awkward and self-conscious around them. 

It was a defense mechanism that enabled me to reject them before they had the chance to reject me.

Gradually, I pushed past my social fears and fell in love with the process of connecting with people, which raised my confidence in knowing how to talk to guys

After feeling more comfortable around them, and people in general, I started thinking of ways I could help them feel more comfortable around me – i.e. how I could become more approachable.

All Readers Welcome

rainbow watercolor representing offline dating without apps for all humans

While this article was written with single women seeking men in mind, as that’s the perspective I can personally speak to, most advice is applicable to all genders and orientations.

So, if you identify outside of a heterosexual female, let me extend a warm personal welcome! 

I’m glad you’re here and hope my content helps you achieve your love/life goals even faster.

- Camille Virginia

Why don't guys don't approach me? 10 (fixable) reasons

Before I reveal what makes a man approach a woman, we first need to cover the main reasons why you’re not being approached right now.

Here are ten (fixable) possibilities that guys may not be approaching you – yet….

1) You look lost in your thoughts

Good men often have a fear of creeping out women; they don’t want to catch you off guard and scare you.

single asian woman sitting on step wondering why guys don't approach her
Anthony Tran/Unsplash

Recently, one of my subscribers, a man in his early 30s, went through a cringe-worthy experience that taught him an invaluable lesson. 

He shared that he had been trying the tips from my book, The Offline Dating Method – but unfortunately, he wasn’t applying them under ideal circumstances. 

Parks can be a great place to meet new people, but they can also come with some risks. 

Every female is acutely aware of news headlines about men doing bad things to our gender in the woods. 

So, it’s one of the few places I don’t recommend approaching people when there’s no one else around. There’s just an inherent association of stranger danger that’s tough to overcome.

My poor male reader had been walking down a wooded trail and, in a moment of bravery, he stopped a woman who was running by to give her a compliment. 

He had completely caught her off-guard and she immediately scolded him for approaching her. He felt absolutely awful. 

It was a tough lesson for him to learn, but I can safely say he’ll never approach another woman who’s clearly lost in her own thoughts in the woods again. 

Meanwhile, that woman may have been asking herself, “What’s wrong with this guy?” when, if the encounter had happened in a different location (like a coffee shop), she may have been more open to engaging him. 

But she was absolutely right to put safety first and protect herself.

One possible reason why guys don’t approach you is that most men won’t approach a woman if she looks distracted. They simply don’t want to risk that same public shaming experience that my reader did. 

So, the next time you’re out and about and catch yourself lost in thought, try to get out of your head and into the present moment.

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2) You’re missing a statement piece

It’s human nature to want to blend in with everyone around us. 

Conforming with a crowd makes us feel safe and accepted; we’re not challenging any social norms or making ourselves an easy target for outsiders. We’re just another one of the pack.

But constantly blending in means that, well, you’re never showing people what makes you unique and special – which is one of the aspects that men tend to look for in a woman.

Men are visual creatures and often motivated to act upon something they see – and clothing is one of the safest and easiest topics they can comment on.

Wearing a statement piece that makes you stand out – whether that’s yellow nail polish, a polka dot scarf, or a vintage emerald bracelet – instantly shows that you have a unique personality and aren’t afraid to show it. 

I was reminded of the power of this tip one afternoon in the University Club of Chicago coat closet, after hanging up my bright red jacket in a sea of black ones.

coat rack with one red coat amongst all black coats

However, if your wardrobe mostly consists of mainstream colors like black or white, or you’re donning jeans with sneakers like everyone else, you just aren’t going to stand out as easily.

You also are robbing men of something easy to comment on as a conversation starter.

3) You're searching in the "wrong" places

Let me first clarify that there are actually no “wrong” places to meet men – other than, perhaps, in the middle of the deep dark woods, as we covered in reason #1. 

Having the mindset that you can only find quality men in specific places is only serving to repel them from you. It’s essentially a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Having the mindset that you can only find quality men in specific places is only serving to repel them from you. It's essentially a self-fulfilling prophecy.

There’s no magical land of single men – they’re everywhere you are, doing the same things you’re doing! 

I’ve met men in a bookstore, at the airport, volunteering at a cat shelter, walking down the street, and even in the greeting card aisle of the drug store.

single white woman sitting on rock with binoculars
Pawel Janiak/Unsplash

As an offline dating coach, many of my female clients come to me with a mindset of “[insert place] isn’t a good spot to meet men.”

As in, “The grocery store isn’t a good place to meet men because everyone is focused on their shopping list.”

But that’s not a fact, that’s actually a limiting belief that may be why guys aren’t approaching you. They sense you’re not open to connection in those places. 

Plus, I was once asked out in the deli meats section of Trader Joe’s by a lovely man who lived in my neighborhood, so there goes the grocery store theory.

Don’t limit your options by creating rules that aren’t even true. 

Be open to meeting men everywhere you go so they can feel that you’re open to connecting with them.

Whether that’s at the post office, an art museum, a coffee shop, or even an Uber pool on the way to your friend’s birthday party (hey, it happened). 

Chances are, any place men can be found is a great place to meet them.

4) You don't create space for them

When a client asks me, “Why am I the only woman I know without a boyfriend?” one of the first things I ask her is, “Have you created physical space to welcome him in?”

Up until modern times – as in, the past few decades – women were not as valued, protected, or given the same rights as men were. 

So, we were constantly on alert for danger in a culture that only recently started holding offenders accountable for harming us.

Thankfully, right now is the safest time in history for women (though we still have a ways to go on that and the equality front). 

However, the ancient instincts that kept us safe and alive over the past few thousand years – e.g. to blend in, not call attention to ourselves, and constantly anticipate danger – haven’t simply disappeared.

So, how do those instincts affect your approachability factor?

Many women subconsciously hold themselves in defensive positions (e.g. arms crossed), put barriers between themselves and others (e.g. surrounded by grocery bags on the bus), and/or don’t go places solo. 

It’s similar to a cat arching its back and hissing at you – like, “Stay away, dude. I don’t feel safe right now” – but much more subconscious.

But, if you want to understand why guys don’t approach you – and, more importantly, encourage them to do so – it’s important to be aware of these natural tendencies and catch yourself when they start to kick in.

Try keeping your arms at your sides instead of crossing them in front of your body. 

When riding the bus, put your bag on the ground instead of on the seat next to you, so that seat stays open for a potentially special someone to sit in. 

Don’t surround yourself with a pack of girlfriends every time you go out; that makes it ten times more nerve-wracking for a man to approach you. 

Try going solo to an event and strategically sit one seat away from a handsome stranger so he’s still within earshot of you.

5) You haven't made your presence known

Similar to not wearing a statement piece, another factor in being unapproachable is not allowing – or, heck, encouraging – men to see you. 

It seems like everyone these days is always so “busy” (ugh, most over-used word ever), always on the move going somewhere, never having enough time in the day to get through your growing To Do list. 

That means you often just have a split second to catch a man’s eye before he’s gone.

Clothing is a great way to stand out from the crowd – but it’s not the only way. I’ll show you more subtle ways to get a guy’s attention in the next article.

6) You always have headphones in

As an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person), I get easily overwhelmed and overstimulated – and I know that I wouldn’t have survived in a world before headphones were invented.

My earbuds thankfully block out unwanted noises that are too loud or just plain annoying. I even sleep with them in, listening to white noise sounds to block anything that may try to disturb my beauty slumber.

But wearing headphones 24/7 when you’re out and about creates a huge barrier to engagement. 

white woman in sunglasses and headphones wondering why guys don't talk to her
Chichi Onyekanne/Unsplash

7) You look really uncomfortable

Another reason why guys don’t approach you is that you may be saying, “Back off!” with your body language. 

As someone with anxiety, I naturally hold a lot of tension in my body and have had to learn to consciously relax when I’m out and about in public. Once again, my female self-protection instincts are always on alert.

Until I finally became aware of how I was holding my body, which was often in a standoffish way, I was definitely driving men away because I didn’t look relaxed or welcoming.

Because let’s be honest, I wasn’t either of those things.

General rule of thumb: If you feel uncomfortable, you look uncomfortable.

General rule of thumb: If you feel uncomfortable, you look uncomfortable.

Whether you’re crossing your arms to provide an extra layer of protection for your body or pushing your shoulders up along your neck because you forgot your scarf, body language is a big approachability factor. 

Let’s just say that no man wants to approach that woman sitting in the corner with a scowl on her face.

8) You’re glued to your phone

I know it can feel like everyone is glued to their phone these days, but that’s still a choice – and one that you can choose to do differently.

Besides, most people aren’t doing anything of real importance on their phones. They’re just using it as a crutch to kill time, feel less awkward, and/or play with while waiting for the train or standing at the dog park.

But seeing someone staring at a screen can still make you hesitant to approach; it feels like you’re interrupting something. 

It’s impossible to tell if the person is composing a critical work email on a tight deadline or perhaps struck with the most brilliant idea for their new novel and need to text it to themselves before it disappears. 

(Spoiler alert: neither of those is ever the case with anyone you see standing around staring at their phone).

Screens are a universal barrier to approachability, and a crutch to mitigate social awkwardness/discomfort.

So if you’re wondering why you aren’t being approached yet now thinking back to all the times you whip out your phone in public, start by keeping that little device in your purse the next time you head out.

9) You have Resting Bitch Face

Sometimes you have a bad day or get deep into thought, and the expression on your face can look like…well, very off-putting. It’s unintentional of course, but, unfortunately, it also makes you unapproachable.

single black woman in sunglasses with hand under chin having resting bitch face
Ricardo Alves/Unsplash

Now, I’m not saying you should go around with a fake smile on your face if you’re not genuinely feeling happy. 

I remember riding the train to work the morning after my boyfriend had broken up with me (he’d realized, six months into our relationship, that he “didn’t want anything serious right now” – insert eye-roll). 

I was staring off into space, feeling completely devastated, when suddenly the man standing next to me said, “You should smile more.”

Lucky for this man, I was too tired to engage him on the topic, so I just shot him daggers and turned away.

Outside of times I’m experiencing acute heartbreak, I try to keep a friendly face on when I’m out and about because I’m generally a happy, friendly woman. 

It’s not about being inauthentic or faking an emotion, it’s simply making it a point to think of things that bring me joy so that that positivity naturally comes across on my face and I feel more approachable.

You can always find something to be happy about or smile about – whether that’s a little Dalmatian puppy walking past you, the sun finally peeking through the clouds, or a street performer playing your favorite song.

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Another aspect that can create an unapproachable facial expression is negative thoughts. 

False generalizations about men (“Men can’t be trusted!”) or even about yourself relating to men (“Why aren’t men attracted to me?”, “Why don’t guys ask me out?” or “Why don’t guys want a relationship?) tend to come across your face and turn off quality men

They may not know exactly why, but just know that they don’t feel comfortable or welcome in your presence.

10) You don’t make eye contact

The last reason why guys don’t approach you is that you may not be giving them the signal that it’s safe for them to do so.

Eye contact can be completely terrifying, I completely understand. I’m a bit embarrassed to say that I couldn’t comfortably make eye contact with men I was attracted to until I was in college. 

Even now, every once in a while, I’ll be caught off-guard in locking eyes with a handsome man and turn bright red before having to turn away.

There are many ways to master the art of eye contact by practicing subtle but powerful ways to get comfortable with it. 

The key is to start gradually, as in holding it for fractions of a second longer, then work your way up from there.

Because sometimes a man just needs a two-second glance and a smile from you in order to feel comfortable approaching you.

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The never-ending battle for your attention

Your attention is pulled in a million different directions every day. 

Which means even when you’re out and about you’re likely “tuned out” in some way in an attempt to cope with it all – from a pop-up ad on an online article to the bad driver who just cut you off on the freeway.

That’s part of why online dating is so hard: each person on the app is competing against tens of thousands of other people, with little to represent themselves save for a few pictures and a short bio.

When you’re out and about in the real world, maybe you love listening to your favorite podcast while on your weekly grocery store run. 

Or call your mom every morning while walking the dog. 

Or use your lunch breaks to check in over text with your BFF about how things are going with the new man she’s dating.

All of these actions pull you out of the present moment and make it hard for you to notice the people around you, let alone create an actual connection with them.

Technology may provide endless ways to contact each other, but it will never fulfill your innate human need for in-person connection.

Technology may provide endless ways to contact each other,
but it can never fulfill your need for in-person connection.

Simple daily habits to attract men like a magnet

The good news is that it’s actually quite easy to encourage other people to approach you and engage on a meaningful level.

You can overcome the barrier of not being approached by guys by getting into the state of Magnetic Approachability.

This state is when you’re as comfortable and confident in the company of strangers as you are sitting on your couch at home curled up with the latest copy of People.

To put it in scientific terms, only after you reach a certain level of social security can you then move on to the next levels in Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs: Love and Belonging (e.g. feeling seen and accepted) and Self-Esteem (e.g. connection with yourself and others).

Maslow's hierarchy of needs

If you’re nervous about chatting up strangers, my approachability tips will be since because they are all done without saying a single word. 

You can even do some of them before evening leaving the house.

Because if you’re like most women, you prefer the man to approach you. But first, you need to give him the signal it’s safe to do so.

5 magical benefits of having guys approach you

Now that we’ve covered the key reasons why guys don’t approach you, you can start to shift into a State of Magnetic Approachability. 

Once you discover how to be approachable, you can expect to see some incredible results such as…

#1 Enjoy zero risk of rejection

A man’s decision of whether to approach you or not usually boils down to how much risk he thinks it involves. He doesn’t know you yet, so engaging you risks rejection or even public humiliation. 

That’s why when you give him the right signals that you’re open to engaging, it lowers his perceived risk of rejection, which can make him more willing to go for it. 

Inspiring a man to approach you gives you the luxury of avoiding that gamble yourself. He’s assuming 100% of the downside in that moment, so remember that every time a man engages you. 

On some level, he’s likely nervous, but felt you were worth the risk – so please be kind to him.

#2 Feel socially confident around anyone

My social anxiety used to make me very uncomfortable around people, especially large groups. 

When I first moved from my hometown of Portland, Oregon to the big city of Chicago in my 20s, I’d never taken public transportation before. 

The L train commute during rush hour, with hundreds of people jammed into a small space together, was a truly terrifying experience.

But, after a few weeks of riding the train twice a day to work and back, I became desensitized and even comfortable with the crowds…

..even to the point where I’d spot two inches of available space and squeeze myself in, touching seven strangers in the process with zero hesitation. 

Upping your approachability factor will help get on your way to the same level of social comfort – without having to brave big-city train transit at rush hour.

three white women laughing in sunflower fields
Antonino Visalli/Unsplash

#3 Never feel “invisible” again

When you’re out with a friend and a man approaches her, but not you, it’s easy to have defeating thoughts creep in, like, “Why don’t guys approach me? What does she have that I don’t?”

My approachability techniques will help make those days a thing of the past. 

Your presence will no longer go unnoticed; you’ll be the one who stands out from the crowd and silently commands the attention of great men.

#4 Attract the right man like a magnet

When you become approachable, a whole new world of quality, available men will open up for you. 

And not just any men; I’ll show you my three-part process for how to attract the right man, so you can spot if a guy has the potential to be a good partner for you from your very first conversation with him:

One of the best parts about my approachability techniques is that none of them require you to say a single word. So even if you don’t know how to talk to guys, you can still apply all the tips. 

I’ll also show you what triggers emotional attraction in a man and how to get him to ask you out, so you can go from a casual conversation in the coffee shop line to a hot date for the weekend.

#5 Get more time back in your day

I once heard a rather odd, yet very on-point, phrase about the passage of time…

“Life is like a roll of toilet paper; the closer you get to the end, the faster it goes.”

Life is like a roll of toilet paper; the closer you get to the end, the faster it goes.

And it’s so true!

When you were a kid, think about how long time felt. The school day often felt like several days rolled into one, and summer vacation seemed like an eternity. 

But now that you’re older, time is going by so fast that it’s easy to forget what month it is (“It’s April already? Didn’t I just celebrate New Year’s Eve a few weeks ago?”). 

desk with computer screen and black chair
Domenico Loia/Unsplash

Technology has connected everyone around the world, with a constant feed of information, news, and communication inundating our inboxes, phones, and eyeballs as we ride the waves of the internet.

I remember in 2003, I received an Instant Message from my friend Adam who was visiting Italy with his family. 

That same year, I texted back and forth with my friend Eli who was on vacation in Hawaii. Being able to instantly reach my friends who were on completely different landmasses from me absolutely blew my mind. 

Now, I send out my email newsletter to people in over 130 different countries with the click of a button and think nothing of it (although, when I do think about it, my mind is still kinda blown).

But the hyper-connection capabilities have come with a cost: Everything feels like a flash in the pan. 

Netflix drops a new blockbuster movie which is a big deal for a week, with all your friends talking about it – but a few days later everyone is on to the next big series or breaking news event or celebrity dating gossip.

Time is speeding up for all of us, and, unfortunately, many of us are spending it on aspects of life that don’t get us any further toward our goals, living our best life, or becoming our best selves.

But one aspect of becoming more approachable is in being more present, which has the added benefit of slowing down time in a great way. 

Being consistently present, instead of getting lost in worries about the past or what’s coming up ahead, can lead you back to those childhood days when you were simply focused on the here and now. 

For example, when your first-grade teacher was reading you a story, you would simply sit and listen to the narrative. 

You weren’t mulling over what to make for dinner or thinking about that tight proposal deadline your manager just assigned to you.

Being present will also feel like you have more time in your day. Noticing the things and people around you throughout the day increases the number of experiences you remember. 

The more daily experiences you remember, the more you’ll feel like you’re getting more time back in your day. 

The more daily experiences you remember,
the more you'll feel like you're getting more time back in your day.

Slowing down time will also make you feel like you have more time to devote to your goals, which is one of the ways to make a man commit without pressure and can also lead to a happier and more fulfilling life for you.

Note: Being present and slowing down time only works for experiences that engage you on a sensory level – i.e. not from behind a screen. 

That’s one of many reasons I advocate dating without the apps (which people spend – sorry, waste – an average of 38 hours per week on their phone in favor of offline dating.

Offline dating is simply creating real-life interactions, which can be achieved using my approachability tips, so you can attract men like a magnet – without saying a word.

Conclusion: Why guys don't approach you- and what to do

It’s a little-known fact that men tend to be even more afraid of rejection than women are. Plus, they have the added pressure of trying not to creep you out and risk being publicly shamed for it on top of that.

If you catch yourself asking, “Why don’t guys approach me?”, it’s likely safe to assume that you have some room for improvement on the approachability front. 

Here are ten reasons why guys don’t approach you right now; see if any of them resonate with you:

  1. You look distracted
  2. You're missing a statement piece
  3. You're searching in the wrong places
  4. You don't create space for them
  5. You don't make your presence known
  6. You can't live without your headphones
  7. You look really uncomfortable
  8. You're glued to your phone
  9. You have Resting Bitch Face
  10. You don't make eye contact

Luckily each of these factors is fixable when you understand why guys don’t approach you – and what you can do about it. Once you apply just a few of the tips, you’ll enjoy benefits such as:

Coming up next...

The next article in our series is How to Be Approachable (without saying a word): The Ultimate Guide – where you’ll discover…

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Picture of Article by Camille Virginia
Article by Camille Virginia

After graduating with a degree in Marketing, I worked in the corporate consulting world for over a decade before starting my business Master Offline Dating to help singles attract love in the real world.

But my true passion (and the secret sauce to my clients' incredible results) is helping people create more meaningful in-person connections in our digitally-disconnected world.

I'm now the #1 Offline Dating Expert, an award-winning writer, and author of two best-selling books. I've also taught over 100 live workshops, reach subscribers across more than 130 countries, and have been featured in major media outlets including the Atlantic, the BBC, and USA Today,

Meet Camille

12 Responses

  1. Hello Camille,

    Thank you for writing this article!
    I really appreciate the tips and advice you gave, but I have a question considering my situation so hopefully you will be able read my story.

    I am a thirty year old woman who has never been approached by a man to have any conversation, so let alone been asked out on a date. In response to that I decided to act more proactive, so I forced myself to initiate contact with men via online platforms and in real life but unfortunately those contacts did not go any further than some first conversations and three first dates. I noticed that I was the one who invested in the contact and felt dissappointed afterwards, so now I really hesitate to first contact men. Especially online dating has made it time consuming and exhausting for me in this generation which is highly susceptible to the hookup culture, indecisiveness (i.e. now knowing what their intention is in dating and what they are actually looking for) and a variety of relationship forms or types (e.g. open vs. closed relationships) that apparently exist nowadays.

    The most reactions I received from people that know me but also strangers is that they do not understand how I have never been approached before, and tell me that I am attractive and intelligent. Most people who meet me think I already have someone and find it hard to believe that I never had someone. I even received their explanations from their side such as me not wanting to be with someone, me being an extreme feminist or not liking men for other reasons. These questions and remarks make me even feel more uncomfortable and insecure, because those are not the reasons. When I look at myself and explore the reasons, I have some difficulties to make eye contact with men, so I work on keeping eye contact. I also became more open to speeddating or dating events. Last year, I went to a single event and had actual conversations. It was a nice experience, but I did not meet anyone in particular. Another reason, which I am working on, is the fear and unknown of dating strange men: You never know whether someone is telling the truth and is sincerely interested in you rather than for example the things you have achieved or posses. Dating is a process of exploration and can be tough, because you need to be able to filter properly and convey your intentions clearly to avoid situationships or misunderstandings. In this process, I also need to be comfortable to invest in someone without feeling disappointed when that investment turns into nothing or was a mistake to begin with.

    To sum everything up in my personal development, I have followed several courses on dating, read books and kept track on blogs or videos about dating and relationships, but I still find it hard to meet someone in real life. Since I did not have a great experience with onine dating or dating events, I feel forced to ‘wait’ again and meet men in natural places which I already did before in my life. Besides work, I have hobbies and try to go outside by myself, for example going to the cinemas or to the beach alone. However, I have reached a point where I actually do not know what to do next, because I also do not want to go to places I do not want to go such as clubs or afternight parties just to meet someone who most certainly will not align with my life preferences, needs and wishes. As for now, I still go to places where I as a person can resonate with but I feel that I need to ‘wait’ again and let my love life be defined by chance again. Considering my situation: What do you think I am not doing optimally or overlooking to be approached by men?

    Thank you for reading my story!


    1. Hi Chaan,

      Thanks for reaching out and articulating your situation so well. I love that you’re aware of a challenge you’re facing, seeking possible solutions, and open to putting new approaches into practice. Truly, well done! Now, let’s dig into your experience so I can support you with next steps to start meeting more men (and have a lot more fun in the process)…

      First, please know that online dating can be a cesspool gathering place for lonely, bored and/or badly behaving (i.e. already in a relationship) people who should be in therapy, not looking to get into a relationship. So the fact that you haven’t met anyone of seeming substance on those platforms is par for the course and indeed what most people experience.

      Second thought: there is a reason you’re not meeting and/or being approached by men, but I’m willing to bet it’s not any of the reasons that other people have shared – those were not good reasons at all and my intuition says they aren’t even applicable to you. Many people love to impart advice – but unless they’ve earned their stripes on the subject they’re advising on, that process is usually more about making them feel good as opposed to truly helping the other person.

      Third thought, in terms of trusting other people that’s a valid fear, which absolutely everyone (except perhaps sociopaths) has. It can be mitigated by simply going slowly in the dating process, asking the right questions, and making sure the person’s words match their actions over time. But that’s a process for further down the road, once you remove the barrier that’s stopping you from meeting men.

      In terms of what’s stopping you, I’d need to ask more questions and hear about 1-2 real life situations you went through which didn’t give you the outcome you wanted (e.g. a date or exchange of phone numbers). I’m happy to hop on a call with you for a complimentary Strategy Session to see if we can suss out the issue, Details can be found here: https://masterofflinedating.com/coaching/


  2. I’m 45 and still a virgin. I have no idea how unusual this situation is but I feel a sense of shame, and I feet stigmatized. I am a very shy and deeply introverted guy, but not isolated. I have always had woman friends but have never been able to translate that into intimate relationships with those I feel attracted to. This was the case in secondary school, but I never made the kind of move that most other guys make on women they ‘like’ because I simply wasn’t able to. By the time I reached university, my pattern was set – not having relationships is what I have come to expect. No woman has ever expressed sexual interest in me and I believe that no woman will do so.

    The fact is, as a guy, if you go through your late teens and early 20s never going out with women, you don’t have any evidence that women could ‘like’ you based on one or more girlfriends. You see women showing interest in other guys and not even knowing you exist. Having zero experience – and observing other guys gaining it – deepens and reinforces a guy’s sense that he is unattractive at a basic level. I have never raised this subject with my friends and when they have with me, I don’t engage because I do not believe there is any way to overcome the fact that I am obviously unattractive on a sexual level. I do not take to the ‘fake it until you make it’ approach – I see it as unauthentic self-delusion – living a lie.

    It may not be true that society ‘judges’ people for not having sex in a formal sense. But anything outside what is at least perceived to be ‘normal’ is liable to be viewed as deviant in some way. For guys, there’s a strong cultural investment in “success” with women. Popular songs, films, and coming-of-age movies often centre on early relationships as milestones of normal development – it’s a cultural “thing” about becoming a man. Although I have no interest whatsoever in any sort of popular culture, i.e., movies, TV, sports, etc. (my hobbies are elsewhere) this has deepened my sense of shame. My friends have all had sexual relationships of varying durations from about the age of 17-18 onwards. I have always watched from the sidelines while others relate intimately, and I have felt lonely as a result. This is not about sex in particular, but about intimacy in general.

    Other than shaking hands or other public physical greetings, I have not been touched by a human being in over 15 years. I have no living family so physical contact for me seems out of bounds. At this point, when I am attracted to a woman, I do not feel excitement or pleasure, but react with sadness because it’s a fact that she could never be attracted to me.

    1. Thanks so much for sharing your story. There is nothing “wrong” with being 45 and a virgin (nuns, priests, and many religions where celibacy is required until marriage would, in fact, commend you), but I can understand for the reasons you outlined that it is upsetsetting to you. Going deeper, it sounds like you may feel you’re living out of alignment – avoiding a topic whenever it comes up, and unable to confide your truth to your friends. I know for a fact you’re not the only man (or person) faced with this situation at age 45 (and beyond), so I hope you don’t give up hope of one day expriencing intimacy with a woman.

      I highly recommend that you do not continue down this road by yourself. There are plenty of healthy, authentic resources to give you places to start to work through this and change the outcome if you chose to. My friend Caitlin V (https://www.caitlinvneal.com/) is a sex coach with decades of experience helping men find the intimacy they desire, no matter how old they are or at what point they’re starting from. I’ve known her for years and she is incredibly authentic and good at what she does. She has her own show on Discovery+ and a YouTube channel if you want to check out her work.

      If she isn’t the best for you, I am sure she knows who in the industry would be. You don’t need to feel ashamed, you don’t need to continue living like this, and you don’t (and shouldn’t) need to keep trying to figure this situation out by yourself. I hope you’ll take that next step and check out Caitlin’s work, you deserve to feel loved in every way you want to.

      Also, book a massage right away. Starvation for physical touch is a common issue in society today. get some hands on you to start getting comofrtable with the physical connection process ASAP.

  3. Good day,
    Since we have subtly been informed that the old “patriarchal” ways haven’t yet been abolished (which is true – conscription and military draft obligations still don’t include women for example), one of them being the perceived onus on men to approach women, how about exercising ever increasing equality (which includes equality of risk taking and not just benefits) and approaching a man you like first? What happens to glorified self-empowerment in that case?

    1. Hey, Anti. Putting aisde the slight undertone of passive-aggressiveness, I agree with you – it’s fine for women to approach men. However, that’s not what this article is about. I wrote it to address the (according to SEMrush, much-Googled) question that women ask around the painful belief that men aren’t attracted to them. For someone in the state of mind to ask this question, telling them how to approach men is not the best next step. We first need to address the insecurity they feel by providing simple ways to be more open and become a more confident version of themselves. In other words, we have to remove the roadblack before we can give them directions to reach their destination. Dating is a team sport, it’s not men versus women, and I always write my articles with that intention in mind so that the burden isn’t put on any gender in particular.

  4. You didn’t read my comment closely, Camille. I did not say I am ruled by pure reason, but that I live according to a rational calculus set to avoid negative outcomes. Since there is no evidence any woman could be / is attracted to me, I don’t express interest in women because I see no possibility that it could be reciprocated. As such, I would run a risk of a significant negative outcome. Also, your characterization of “pure” reason as preventing one from eating or breathing makes no sense – as human beings, food and air are basic elements of life, so it would be irrational not to eat or breathe. A useful image of ‘reason’ is the ‘Houyhnhnm’ – see Section 4 of Jonathan Swift’s Gulliver’s Travels (1726).

    1. Paul. There was also a point in your life where no evidence had proved you could drive a car to the store without hitting a tree. Or that when you went down the enclosed waterslide you wouldn’t get stuck and drown. Or that you could take a test without failing it and ruin your entire GPA. Life more often than not offers us zero proof that we can do something – until we actually *do* it. The reason woman aren’t attracted to you is because your energy and assumptions about them are preventing it. Shift your mindset, and take a small risk in your personal life to be open to be being wrong about this – only then can magic happen. Only then.

  5. There are no signals or sets of signals any woman could give me that would make me feel comfortable (i.e., not at automatic risk of trouble). I’m a 34 year old man and have never approached any woman anywhere, in any way, nor ever expressed my interest in any woman no matter how strong it is. I have many women friends but never been in a relationship, have never gone on a date, and have no idea what intimacy feels like. I am not about to open myself to trouble that could lead to losing my job, reputation, etc., just because a woman labels me because I do not happen to be attractive to her. I recognize that only a minority of women might do this, but since I cannot know which woman might be in that group, I keep to myself in all cases. I have a lot to offer and a lot to give – but I do not deserve to be presumed guilty.

    1. Paul, your comment made me really sad. Living a restricted life due to fear of the unknown is like living a half-life. Every man in the world faces the same risks you outlined – and none of them deserve to be automatically presumed guilty – yet many of them push through the fear to create a more fulfilling existance. If they, you can. Sometimes hurtful things happen in life – but that happens to absolutely everyone. And it rarely ruins your life as you described. We simply learn from the exprience, grow, and move on. I wouldn’t recommend using any of the tips in the blog anyway until you make a decision not be ruled by fear. It’s impossible to be a in a healthy relationship if fear is constantly prioritized over growth, enjoyment, and focusing on the positive aspects of your partner.

      1. Thank you for your thoughtful response, Camille. What you [mis-]characterize as “fear”, I call reason. My calculus is: I don’t want to have my life ruined, therefore I don’t act in ways that could bring that about. As you say, “[s]ometimes hurtful things happen in life […] And it rarely ruins your life as you described.” Precisely – and since it is impossible to know whether I would be among the minority for whom it does – as a rational person, I am unwilling to be reckless (for want of a better term). I will never put myself in a situation where it could happen. This is the society we live in – I assign no blame to anyone for this set of circumstances – but it is what it is.

      2. Hi Paul, I lovingly disagree. If one were ruled by pure “reason,” they would not leave thier house, eat food, or breathe air for risk of – respectively – getting stung by a murder hornet, digesting toxic substances that appear in absolutely every food source, and breathing in the trace amount of harmful chemicals found in every inhabital location on earth. Because each of those actions comes with those respective risks – albiet minutely. If you’re willing to take the chance with walking out your front door or enjoying a pint of ice cream, then you are capable of exposing yourself to the risk of letting someone special into your life. But, as you said, it’s completely your choice. Again, it just breaks my heart a bit to hear that that’s where you’re at. It just doesn’t have to be that way.

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