The 1 Crucial Step You’ve Been Missing
In this article, you'll discover...
Table of Contents
If you’ve ever wondered, “Why don’t guys ask me out?” I’m excited to give you the secrets that have inspired nearly 300 men to ask me out – without ever going online – in this three-part article series.
In this article, we’ll cover the potential reasons why guys aren’t asking you out yet – but first, we need to talk about a crucial (and very much related), topic: Loneliness.
All Readers Welcome
While this article was written with single women seeking men in mind, as that’s the perspective I can personally speak to, most advice is applicable to all genders and orientations.
So, if you identify outside of a heterosexual female, let me extend a warm personal welcome!
I’m glad you’re here and hope my content helps you achieve your love/life goals even faster.
- Camille Virginia
Asking yourself, “Why is dating so hard?” is a fair question these days – especially if you’re dating online where aspects like ghosting, catfishing, body-shaming and worse are sadly becoming common.
But did you know many of today’s dating challenges can be traced back to what scientists are calling our “secondary epidemic” of loneliness?
Simply put: Our culture doesn’t have a dating problem. We have a connection problem.
People are absolutely craving connection and meaningful in-person interactions – that is, in real life – not online.
While the loneliness stats are devastating (and only getting worse), this mass disconnection has also created a unique opportunity unlike any other in history: An untapped market of millions who are starved for face-to-face connection with each other.
Mastering the art of real-world connection (i.e. offline dating, without the apps) enables you to provide fulfillment to those who are craving it.
That means the power to attract the best people – including the best men – is now yours for the taking.
This is why the secret to inspiring a great man to ask you out is to create a meaningful connection with him.
Given the global loneliness numbers, when you create a meaningful connection it’s like serving a seven-course homemade Italian dinner to a man who’s been living on nothing but peanuts for weeks.
He simply won’t be able to get enough of you (or, the homemade Italian dinner), and will naturally ask you out to continue to get more of you.
8 reasons why guys don't ask you out
Truth be told, there are many reasons why a guy won’t ask you out.
If you’ve read the previous articles in my 3-phase Find Love Offline Formula, you’ve been doing the work to…
…which means that you’re becoming a confident, high-value woman who’s worthy of the love she desires.
You’re a total catch.
But what if a man you’re interested in still doesn’t ask you out?
Here are eight reasons a man may not ask you out in the moment, even if he thinks you’re a great woman …
1) You haven't created an emotional connection with him
Covering the most important reason first, so if you leave with only one takeaway from this article, let this be it.
The key behind every man asking me out on a date is that I first created a meaningful connection with him.
This is almost always the missing ingredient in any mutually-enjoyable interaction that doesn’t lead to an ask-out or exchange of digits: the connection just didn’t go deep enough.
That’s it. Plain and simple.
I’ll dive into this topic much more in the next article, including defining what a “meaningful connection” actually is (kinda helpful when you need to create one, right?).
I’ll also walk you through my magical 5-step process to create one with absolutely anyone.
The best part is, knowing how to create a meaningful connection isn’t just about getting a man to ask you out.
It serves to help you make new friends, share a moment with a stranger in passing, and live a less lonely, more fulfilling life across every aspect – friends, family, relationships, career, and more.
2) He's un-dateable (at least right now)
At some point, everyone goes through a period of life where they’re mentally, physically, or emotionally incapable of focusing on their love life.
Maybe the man you’re chatting up in the cereal aisle of the grocery store isn’t single right now – he’s in a relationship that’s slowly coming to an end, but he hasn’t fully extracted himself yet.
Or maybe he’s not over his ex-girlfriend who broke his heart or cheated on him – but he’s doing the inner work and healing to be ready for his next relationship. That’s the sign of a good man right there.
What if he has a family member who’s been diagnosed with cancer and has suddenly found himself in the role of a caretaker?
Or perhaps he just got a big promotion at work and knows that if he stays focused for the next two years, he can make partner in his law firm – so that’s his number one priority right now.
Each of these situations is temporary and will eventually pass, but in the moment that man simply isn’t fully available to you right now.
3) He has no clue how to ask you out
I wish school had spent half as much time on formally teaching social skills as they did on trigonometry – I definitely use the former a lot more than the latter.
People aren’t taught aspects like how to flirt or date unless they seek or try it out themselves – which means there are many amazing, kind, smart, passionate, talented men who simply don’t know how to talk to you.
Many good men have a fear of catching a woman off-guard and creeping her out. Or sometimes they just freeze up in the moment and no matter how much they want to ask you out, they just can’t find the words.
4) He's terrified you'll reject him
Fear of rejection is the #1 fear of men – so however scared you may be of being rejected by a man, just know he’s likely feeling it even more acutely than you are.
This fear stems from ancient times when getting kicked out of a tribe meant death for our ancestors.
It’s an acute feeling because Mother Nature wants you to make amends for whatever you did to get rejected ASAP, so you can ensure your survival by being welcomed back into the tribe.
That’s why humans are wired to seek and feel internally rewarded (via hormones like dopamine) by being accepted. For our ancestors, it literally meant survival.
While being accepted no longer means life or death, those primordial instincts have stayed with us and can trigger similar deep-seated fears for us.
5) He's not attracted to you
Even the smartest, most beautiful, kind, successful women in the world still get passed over by men.
Heck, even incredibly talented and gorgeous women like Jennifer Aniston and Halle Berry sadly had husbands who cheated on them.
If a man doesn’t ask you out, he may simply not be attracted to you. Or perhaps he isn’t attracted to your gender.
Or maybe he’s in a place in life where he’s not attracted to anyone right now – he could be under a lot of stress from his job, finances, or a health diagnosis.
I’ve had times after a bad breakup where I couldn’t even think about dating another man for several months because the prospect of getting hurt again completely trumped my desire for intimacy and companionship.
6) He did ask you out - but you missed it
Given that fear of rejection is the number one fear of men, sometimes guys are only able to push past it enough to ask you out in a way that’s incredibly subtle.
This “indirect approach” allows a guy to ask you out in a way that feels safer for him, but risks you not even knowing he asked you.
I’ve done Wingwoman Sessions (when clients and I hit the town to practice their social skills) where men have asked out my clients – only to have my clients completely miss it.
One of the ladies and I had been chatting with a man for about 30 minutes when he turned to her and said, “So, what are we doing this weekend?”
I instantly knew that was his playful, indirect (i.e. safe) way of asking if she’d like to do something with him.
Unfortunately, she didn’t pick up on that and answered literally what she was planning to do that weekend, which was cleaning her bathroom and fixing her furnace.
7) He wants you to ask him out (careful here)
Warning: Be careful with a man who wants you to do all the work, including having you ask him out.
I went through a long period of insecurity, where I didn’t feel worthy of men.
So, I would try to overcompensate by taking the lead so they could see that it was easy to be with me – like, “I’ll do all the work and won’t be an inconvenience at all – please date me!”
But by taking the lead, I only repelled men who enjoyed doing that themselves – and attracted men who wanted me to continue doing all the work.
That’s why it’s important to understand what makes a man chase a woman, how to tap into your feminine energy when dating, and how to flirt with a guy.
People value interactions they have to put effort into – not the ones that fall into their lap or are desperate for their approval.
If you sense a man is too shy to ask you out, or not willing to take the risk, it may not be a good match unless you enjoy doing the lion’s share of the work in the dating process and – ultimately – the relationship.
Personally, I prefer to have an equal partner to share the work with, and I know most women do too.
8) You asked him out
The last reason why a guy hasn’t asked you out is that you jumped in to ask him out first. Some people simply need a little extra time to make a decision or choose their approach to taking an action.
Maybe you found yourself growing impatient that the man you’d been flirting with at the dog park seemed like he was getting ready to leave but hadn’t asked for your number yet – so you took the initiative and asked him.
But if you’d given him just another minute, he would have taken the lead to do it, and it would have felt less forced and more enjoyable for you.
Because when you ask a man out, new issues arise – such as: Do you text him first? Do you plan the date? Do you pay for it?
Small talk is “safe” – but boring
If everyone is starved for meaningful connections, why do people tend to keep their conversations at a superficial level?
Small talk serves a purpose: it’s a low-risk investment to see if someone else is open to connecting further.
But when you get stuck on mundane topics for longer than a minute or two – or back and forth for days on a dating app – you can get caught in The Small Talk Trap.
This is where the conversation starts to feel incredibly draining.
It can also make you feel even more lonely by limiting the connection to boring topics that neither you nor the person you’re chatting with cares about.
Associating random interactions with boring conversations is enough to make many people want to avoid creating new connections altogether.
But if they just shifted their approach slightly and discovered how to create a more fulfilling connection, it would be a completely different experience.
If you’re meeting lots of men and chatting up a storm with them, but still wondering why you don’t have a boyfriend, it may simply mean you’re not connecting deeply enough with them – yet.
That’s why if you want to get a guy to ask you out on a date, once he’s shown interest in continuing the conversation, you’ll want to get off small talk and into meaningful communication ASAP.
Attraction through meaningful connection
The Five Elements of a Meaningful Conversation is my conversational framework that helps you keep a conversation going with a guy.
Conversations will become an experience ten times better than any movie, TV show, or book because you’re not just observing – you’re living the story with someone in real-time.
This will not only feel incredibly fulfilling for you but also for everyone you create that connection with – which means people will naturally want more of you and the good feelings they now associate with you.
This is also building off the middle step of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs (Love and Belonging), which we covered in the previous article, and moves you to the next level: Self-Esteem.
At the Self-Esteem level, you’re mastering the art of connecting with your fellow humans on a deep level which – surprise! – actually builds your own self-confidence and self-respect in the process.
It’s a beautiful cycle that can help propel you to the highest level: Self-Actualization.
That’s why having the right man asking you out isn’t about saying the perfect line, wearing a hot dress, or batting your eyelashes a certain number of times.
Physical attractiveness may get you noticed, but creating a meaningful connection is what gets you the date – and, eventually, the relationship.
After you’ve created a meaningful conversation with a man, he will naturally want more of you – and likely ask for your phone number to get it.
When you create a meaningful connection, quality men naturally want more of you.
Plus, the power to create a meaningful connection isn’t limited to attracting a great man; it will transform how you connect with everyone across every aspect of your life – just like it has for me.
13 benefits of knowing how to get a guy to ask you out
Once you know why guys aren’t asking you out and start focusing on how to create a meaningful connection with a man (or truly, anyone), there are many you’ll enjoy.
Here are the instant benefits of knowing how to keep a guy interested in talking with you, many of which go well beyond just attraction and dating…
#1 Conversations become energizing experiences
Some self-help “experts” advise sacrificing your own enjoyment of a conversation in order to make the other person feel good.
But what’s the point of connecting with someone, or getting them to like you if you can’t enjoy the process too?
In my earlier article, I Don’t Know How to Talk to Guys: The 2-Word Phrase Stopping You, I showed you how to stop draining the life out of conversations by applying Chrissy Consistency.
When you go a step further and create meaningful, enjoyable connections with people, conversations will become an energizing experience that you actually look forward to.
You’ll also never get bored in a conversation again.
You’ll skip snooze-worthy questions like, “What’s new?” or “How are you?” and instead turn every interaction into a “choose your own adventure” experience where you explore the topics most interesting to you.
#2 Filter out the wrong men faster
Applying the Five Elements of a Meaningful Conversation creates a space of trust and sharing, which helps you quickly learn genuine aspects of the other person.
Seeing someone for who they truly are will help you determine if a guy has the potential to be a real match and avoid wasting time on a man who’s never going to be right for you.
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#3 Step into the position of being selective
When you have the power to give other people a great experience simply by talking to you, this puts you in the position of choosing who is worthy of your time (i.e. only the people who make you feel amazing too).
This natural screening process also shows you how to find your people – including how to attract the right man. Being in this position of power completely flips any conversational fears you might have, like…
…into an empowering reframe, such as:
#4 Create a fulfilling connection with anyone
But I say you can create a close bond in under a minute. I’ve even brought a woman to tears within thirty seconds of meeting her.
Here’s that story: I was out with a client for a Wingwoman Session in a supermarket and as we walked by a samples table, the woman handing out food said:
“Would you like to try some hummus? It’s part of my culture.”
I love learning about different cultures, so I immediately homed in on that aspect and responded:
“Cool, what’s your culture?”
She answered, “Lebanese.” I asked if the political situation at the time, in which many people from the Middle East were being denied entry into the U.S., had affected her family.
She immediately took out her phone and pulled up a picture of a woman in a wedding dress.
Tearing up, she said she had missed her niece’s wedding in Lebanon because she was afraid that she wouldn’t be able to get back into the U.S.
Once you stop asking defeating questions like, “Why don’t guys ask me out?” and turn your focus to simply connecting with everyone, watch as men start to take notice of you in a great way.
#5 Never endure another awkward silence again
One of the reasons people “play it safe” with meaningless chit-chat is because they aren’t present in the conversation.
They’re either checked out thinking about sports, work, or their grocery list or they’re already crafting a response in their head while the other person is still talking.
Part of the Five Elements of a Meaningful Conversation includes a simple trick to stay present in any conversation, which is also my secret to always knowing the next thing to say.
#6 People will quickly trust and confide in you
Just like the hummus story showed, another benefit of creating a meaningful connection is people will trust and confide in you.
I’m honored to have had people I just met share intimate stories with me in that first encounter, sometimes ones they hadn’t shared with close friends or family.
As you create your meaningful conversation keeping only good intentions in mind, the people you talk to are going to sense that and trust you.
As we’ve previously covered, humans are craving this level of connection and authenticity.
Every day, people are flooded with an overwhelming amount of information and distractions, most with the sole motivation of hijacking their time and/or money.
That means when they meet someone like you, who’s able to engage them on a deeper level and sans ulterior motive, all of their unmet need for connection will likely come pouring out.
So be ready, because it can happen fast.
Important note: It’s an honor to have someone confide in you, so handle their share with extreme care. It can take months, or even years, to earn someone’s absolute trust – and just a few seconds to lose it.
Breaking someone’s trust is like breaking a vase; you can piece it back together, but it will never be the same.
#7 Men seriously can't get enough of you
When you know how to create a meaningful connection, you will instantly stand out from every other person who never goes past “safe” (i.e. boring and forgettable) topics.
This will make you not only instantly memorable but also a source of fascination for others.
When you give someone a taste of this intrigue, even for a few minutes, they’re going to want more of it – and thus you – in their life.
If someone wants more of something badly enough, they will find a way to get it. This includes, but is not limited to, breaking through their fear of rejection by asking you out so they can spend more time with you.
Gone will be the days of wondering why guys aren’t asking you out – you’ll have more hot dates than you know how to handle.
#8 Receive powerful insights into your own life
Creating an interesting conversation comes with the bonus of helping you learn more about yourself too.
My guess is you don’t sit around asking yourself profound questions like, “What makes me truly happy?” or, “What’s the biggest life lesson I’ve learned over the past decade?”
But, when you ask someone else a meaningful, open-ended question like one of those, they will almost always ask that same question back to you.
And you may be surprised at the answer that comes out of your mouth!
Articulating your thoughts in a meaningful conversation is like verbal journaling.
Creating a safe space to open up allows you to piece together those random half-formed thoughts and questions that have been floating around in your head and turn them into concrete ideas and clear actions.
Don’t be surprised when, mid-conversation, you find yourself thinking something like…
“That’s it! I’ve been trying all week to figure that out in my head. Now that I’m saying it out loud, I know the answer.”
These epiphanies and moments of clarity can pop up in a conversation with anyone – from that woman you sat next to at the outdoor concert to your best friend of thirty years.
You never know what insights you’ll receive when answering your own interesting questions out loud to someone else.
When someone makes you feel safe enough to put those thoughts into words, you have the chance to come to your own powerful conclusions.
This is exactly what I help my private coaching clients do. Only they truly know the answers they seek.
I simply help them unlock those answers by asking the right questions that help them become conscious thoughts they can then act on.
The answers you seek are often just one conversation away from revealing themselves to you.
You can also have powerful insights about yourself by simply listening to other people’s experiences, stories, and moments of clarity.
Even after speaking with thousands of people over the years, I continue to learn something about myself in almost every conversation.
It’s often easier to spot patterns and get answers when you’re looking at a situation from the outside – i.e. when you don’t have a personal investment in it or previous emotional attachment to it.
Listening to someone else’s story helps you see patterns and answers you may be blind to in your own life.
What does this have to do with feeling like guys don’t ask you out?
Again, mastering the art of meaningful connection is the missing step behind getting a guy to ask for your number.
For example, imagine you’re at an art show talking to a man who says he’s taking a trip to Alaska with his friends.
He then shares that he preferred to go to South Africa but was out-voted by the others, so reluctantly booked the Alaska trip.
In listening to this, I’d notice immediately that he decided to spend his time and money on something he wasn’t excited to do, simply so he could join his friends in what they wanted to do.
My next thought would be, “I wonder what other decisions he’s made in life that involved sacrificing his own desires for the sake of his friends?”
If I was in the same habit of putting off my own happiness to go along with the majority, hearing about his experience could be a powerful revelation for me.
It’s common to be blind to our own unhappy or negative patterns yet be able to instantly spot them in another person because we don’t have our emotional blinders on.
You can give that man the same gift of revealing a pattern he may be blind to.
A simple question coming from a good intention could be, “That’s very generous of you. Do you often do things your friends prefer over what you want to do?”
He may not even realize the subconscious pattern of continually putting his happiness on hold for others until the moment you ask him.
If you want to go deeper into the topic of valuing other’s preferences over his own, you could ask him a question such as:
That might reveal an insecurity he also wasn’t aware of (“I’m afraid I won’t know how to make new friends, so I always give in to what they want”) or empower him to now make a different choice given this newfound clarity.
This is also why it’s important to know a few key questions to reveal a man’s true intentions: to see if his answers reveal him as a good potential partner for you.
When epiphanies pop up, always capture them; they’re going to disappear as quickly as they came.
Designate one go-to place to capture your thoughts so you free up your attention to be present in the moment. Write them down. Email them to yourself. Capture them in OneNote, Evernote, or Panda Planner.
Just put them in a place where you can give them your full attention later and stay present in the conversation at hand.
#9 Enjoy the memory-boosting gift of total recall
The Empathic Listening Technique, which might be the most powerful technique I teach, is also a huge memory booster.
Applying it will help you effortlessly remember details of other people’s stories, often for years or – in some of my cases – over a decade later.
This bonus will not only impress the heck out of people, but it will also give you the Best Friend Ever Award.
People appreciate being seen, heard, and acknowledged, and a great way to provide those gifts to someone is by referencing details of an important story they shared with you.
Instead of just saying you care about them and what’s happening in their life, citing key intimate details shows them you do.
The secret behind the total recall phenomenon is in applying the Empathic Listening Technique, which turns a casual conversation into an in-depth sensory experience.
Just as you’d naturally remember details from an important event in your own life, you’ll remember similar details when listening to other people’s stories because you know how to live that story as they share it.
For instance, I was catching up with my friend, Mary, who wanted to fill me in about a man she’d been dating long distance.
I used the Empathic Listening Technique to follow along with her, noting what she said to him, how he responded, when he came to visit, what happened after that, etc.
I put myself in the story with her, seeing what she saw and feeling what she felt.
By the end of the story when she asked for my advice about what to do next, I could easily pull from the emotions I’d been feeling throughout her story.
I also was able to pull from my own personal experiences that it had conjured up in the process, enabling me to be a better friend and support her on a deeper level.
What’s even more interesting is that a few weeks later, Mary and I got together with another friend, and I was able to walk through her entire story again, step-by-step, to catch our other friend up on it.
That’s because I hadn’t just blindly memorized Mary’s story; I had “lived” it on a certain level, so the details and emotions were naturally cemented in my memory.
At the end of my recap, she said to me, “I can’t believe you remembered all that. You’re such a great friend!”
Ditching the “Guys don’t ask me out!” script to instead focus on how to connect with a man emotionally will also provide you with several lifelong benefits, such as ….
#10 Connect with your future man on a deeper level
By discovering how to create meaningful conversations now – before you meet your future partner – the benefits will carry over into your relationship with him and deepen your shared bond for years to come.
When you have the power to create a great conversation with someone you just met, it gives that person a preview of the fulfilling life they could create and enjoy with you.
If it’s a great experience (which it will be once I show you how to do it!), it shows them how they could spend hours, days, or even years talking with you and never get bored (an incredibly enticing trait in a partner).
On the flip side, if you don’t make it a habit to start connecting deeply with people in your life now, it’s going to be even harder once you meet your match because you’ll be starting from scratch.
Trying to build those skills while simultaneously navigating all the other emotions and aspects of a new relationship is a lot to take on at once.
#11 Avoid making painful (and expensive) life decisions
Sometimes people marry the wrong person – I get it. I’ve been there, done that.
The same unfortunate (but valuable lesson) situation happened to one of my guy friends. Years ago, he started dating a woman who was beautiful, charming, and seemed like a real catch.
He would bring her to meet-ups and holiday gatherings with our families, so I had interacted with her about a dozen times by the time he announced they were engaged.
But despite all those meet-ups, I soon realized I’d never gone beyond a surface-level conversation with her.
I’d tried to ask interesting questions to get to know her better, but looking back I realized she would always give a short answer or change the topic.
I had assumed she was just a private person and saved her deep conversations for her fiancé.
Well, unfortunately, they ended up getting divorced.
When I mentioned to my friend that I’d never truly connected with his ex on a meaningful level, he paused for a second and said, “You know, I don’t think I ever did either.”
The fact that you’re reading this article means you appreciate a deep connection and are likely interested in sharing that depth with the right man.
So, if you can’t connect on a deeper level with him when you’re first getting to know him, he’s outta there.
A long-term commitment can’t be sustained on chit-chat such as, “What park do you want to take the dog to today?” or “What movie should we see tonight?”
#12 Feel fulfillment through positive impact
As you’ve probably gathered, the benefits of creating a deep connection go well beyond having a man ask you out. You’re going to be changing people’s lives for the better – including your own.
Creating meaningful connections using my techniques will take you from being a spectator of the world around you to an active contributor and co-creator.
You’ll impact people on a level of incredible depth, enable them to experience themselves in a whole new way, and give more meaning to their lives and yours.
Few people are sitting at home wondering how they can live a more meaningful life, yet they continue to go about their daily life feeling a sense of aimlessness and unfulfillment.
If you’ve ever had thoughts like, “I feel men aren’t attracted to me” it may be due to a lack of depth or even an absence of passion or purpose.
The people who seek out a remedy for this malaise are more likely to go for a quick fix or temporary escape – like buying a new outfit or binge-watching the new season of their favorite Netflix show.
But once you activate your connection superpowers, it will be impossible to settle for a surface-level way of life ever again.
Here are a few examples of notes I’ve received after the very first encounter with men, thanking me for simply creating a great conversation.
You’ll start to get heartfelt gratitude from people too, as you impact their lives with the connections you help create…
#13 Finally lose that lonely feeling
Social media and apps may have connected us in many ways, but they also are actively contributing to our growing loneliness epidemic by making you believe that interacting from behind a screen can fulfill your innate need for human connection.
Spoiler alert: It can’t.
When you master the art of meaningful conversation, feelings of loneliness will start to fade away.
Having these techniques in your conversational arsenal makes it possible for you to connect with anybody.
It’s incredibly empowering to know you’re only one sentence away from feeling connected and socially fulfilled, anytime you want to be.
And you’ll finally be able to ditch the “I can’t talk to guys” mantra that I carried around for years.
Meaningful connection is also one of the key ways to inspire a man to commit to you without pressure.
When you have the power to create a deep connection with him, the right man will know he can’t get that from any other woman and will do whatever it takes to keep you in his life.
Conclusion: The missing step to get guys to ask you out
There are several reasons why guys don’t ask you out – here are eight of the most common ones:
- You haven't created an emotional connection with him
- He's un-dateable (at least right now)
- He has no clue how to ask you out
- He's terrified you'll reject him
- He doesn't know where to take you on a date
- He's not attracted to you
- He did ask you out - but you missed it
- He wants you to ask him out (careful here)
- You asked him out
But if none of those reasons are preventing a man from asking you out, that’s great news.
It means he’s likely willing and able to – you just need to follow my two-part process to secure a date with him:
When you nail the first part, the second part is a breeze.
Creating a meaningful connection with a man naturally makes him want more of you – and ask for your phone number to get it.
Once you start applying this two-part process, you’ll enjoy benefits such as:
But what exactly is a meaningful connection, and how do you create one?
I’ll show you in the next article…
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