10 Traits That Turn Men Off
(+ the antidote to become instantly irresistible)
In this article, you'll discover...
- 10 reasons why guys reject great women - and what you can do about it
- Why you're wired to default to negative - and how it impacts your dating life
- The 7 benefits of getting a guy to want you simply by being your authentic self
Table of Contents
If you’ve ever wondered, “Why don’t guys like me?” please know that every woman has had that defeating thought at some point – or, many points.
This is especially true now that online dating and apps have drastically increased the number of men who can reject you in very a short period of time, without even actually meeting you.
If you’re not exactly living your best dating life right now and feel like guys don’t like you, it’s natural to feel overwhelmed and wonder if you’re doing something wrong.
Many people, unfortunately, fall into the trap of basing their self-worth on external validation from others – like needing a certain number of Facebook “likes” on your latest post or tons of praise on your Insta Stories.
But quality men want to be around a woman who knows who she is, and isn’t afraid to show her authentic self to the world.
(and I’ll show you five ways to reveal your authentic self in the next article)
They want a woman who cares about other people without needing constant approval from them.
If you don’t love and accept yours truly, it’s going to be very hard for someone else to do that. I’ll share why being so hard on yourself is a completely natural phenomenon (i.e. it’s not your fault) in a minute.
All Readers Welcome
While this article was written with single women seeking men in mind, as that’s the perspective I can personally speak to, most advice is applicable to all genders and orientations.
So, if you identify outside of a heterosexual female, let me extend a warm personal welcome!
I’m glad you’re here and hope my content helps you achieve your love/life goals even faster.
- Camille Virginia
10 reasons why guys don't like you…yet
Online dating has sadly created a culture where potential partners are based almost solely on physical appearance.
OkCupid Founder Christian Rudder found that dating app profile photos drove 90% of users’ choices – which is why dating is such a challenge for so many people these days. They’re screened out before saying a word.
Quality people who would make incredible partners are often “swiped over” in favor of other traits, like beauty, that don’t matter in a long-term relationship.
Or, put another way, the traits people tend to screen for are usually not aligned with what makes a successful partnership.
The traits people tend to screen for are usually not aligned
with what makes a successful partnership.
This is why when a woman does offline dating – or, dating without the apps – she immediately sets herself apart from the rest of the pack.
In person, looks are only one of many attraction points that a man instantly has about you – he can also enjoy your energy, your smile, your communication skills, your humor, and more.
Going a step further, discovering the secrets of what men look for in a woman – not online – can change not only your dating life but your quality of life in general.
Because in the process of becoming a woman men find highly attractive, you’ll also become a better version of yourself.
But before we get into the specific benefits that come with understanding what makes a guy interested in a woman, first, here are the ten reasons guys may not like you – yet…
1) You don't have a life - or, it's a mess
One of the reasons why guys may not like you right now may be because your life is a bit of a cluster.
Healthy partnerships consist of two people who were already living a great life before they found each other.
Having your own independent activities and interests is incredibly sexy; it’s also one of the ways to attract a high-value man.
Meeting someone who has their own hobbies and passions shows they’re confident on their own and can add value to your life.
They aren’t putting their life on hold by waiting for a partner to travel with or run a marathon with – they’re already doing those things themselves.
Not only is a lack of motivation and life experience unattractive, but it puts pressure on a new partner to be responsible for your happiness.
That could include finding a hobby, setting goals for yourself, or just getting out of the house once in a while.
If you don’t have your life together, it could be one reason why guys aren’t interested in you right now – especially if they themselves know and value how to prioritize their life.
2) You don't know what makes you special (so he doesn't either)
Another reason why you feel that guys don’t like you may be because you aren’t showing them how truly special you are (because you may not know yourself).
Unfortunately, most of us don’t sit around asking ourselves, “What makes me the rare, desirable creature that I am? And how can I showcase those incredible aspects to other people?”
People, especially women, are more likely to be hard on themselves and ask questions like, “Why don’t guys ask me out?” or “Why don’t guys want a relationship with me?”
Sometimes it’s even easier to blame men with thoughts like, “What’s the problem with guys today?” after one too many Tinder disappointments.
If you haven’t taken the time to truly get to know yourself – your personality, interests, hobbies, passions, purpose (i.e. your secret dating superpowers) – it’s going to be hard for a man to get to know you too.
If you have no clue what makes you different from all the other women out there, how’s he supposed to know?
You can’t show someone your true value until you’ve discovered it for yourself first.
You can't show someone your true value until you've discovered it for yourself first.
Once you find your special sauce of what makes you unique and start revealing it to the world, you’ll be able to use it to attract the right man who absolutely adores you for fabulous you.
3) You aren't clear on your core values
Values are the driver of your quality of life. They give you direction for which decisions to make in a moment and help people trust you.
Values don’t change depending on circumstances; they are applied consistently across every situation and every person you engage with.
For example, if honesty is one of your core values, that means you always default to telling the truth.
And the easiest way to default to telling the truth is to make decisions that you feel are the right thing to do and will stand by in the future – which removes the need to lie about them.
Spoiler Alert: If you’re only honest sometimes, then you’re not an honest person. You also don’t have strong core values.
If you don’t have strong core values, it shows a lack of respect for yourself and others. And, seriously, who wants to be around someone like that?
Knowing your core values and consistently taking action based on them is why self-confidence is important; without confidence in yourself, you risk defaulting to doing the easy thing instead of the right thing.
4) You're not passionate about anything
What do you stand for? What do you stand against?
One reason guys may not be attracted to you right now is that you lack passion.
Someone who can take a stand and believes in a cause is much more attractive than someone who never has an opinion on anything.
You could be passionate about anything – the environment, Race for the Cure, funding the creative arts for your local high school.
Finding something to have an opinion on and take a stand for or against shows courage and conviction, and is incredibly attractive to a potential partner.
If you don’t get clear on what you stand for, you risk attracting a mixed bag of people into your life who don’t stand for anything themselves.
If you don't get clear on what you stand for, you risk attracting a mixed bag of people into your life who don't stand for anything themselves.
5) You lack purpose in life
I like Chicken Soup for the Soul author Jack Canfield‘s simple perspective on life purpose: We’re all born with one, we just have to uncover it and then take action to live it out.
Having a purpose outside of a relationship helps keep your life in balance, reminds you that you’re part of something greater, and shows you that you can contribute to the world regardless of your relationship status.
Not having a purpose in life often leads to feelings of de-motivation and a lack of overall direction in life.
And making another person your purpose puts a lot of pressure on them for your happiness, which isn’t enjoyable for them or you.
6) You focus on the negative
Another reason why guys may not show their interest in you yet is that you’ve developed a bad habit of focusing on the negative.
No one, including men, likes a Debbie Downer. A great Debbie portrayal taken to the hilarious extreme is the ouch-my-side-hurts-from-laughing Rachel Dratch impression on Saturday Night Live:
- Waiter: "Hello folks, how are we doing?! We've got a special today of steak and eggs, served with home fries and waffles."
- Debbie: "Ever since they found mad cow disease in the US, I'm not taking any chances. It can live in your body for years before it ravishes your brain."
The SNL cast couldn’t even get through the skit without totally losing it…
Complaining and focusing on the negative is an easy habit to fall into.
Maybe you learn about an invasion of murder hornets on the news or read a flyer about weeks of heavy construction that will be happening on your street.
Or maybe you’re stuck in a negative mindset about your love life, like, “Why don’t I have a boyfriend?”, “Why is life so hard?” or “Men just don’t date anymore!”
It’s natural to want to share your upset or vent your frustration with others; just make sure it’s balanced with positive topics and joyful experiences.
Constantly focusing on the negative makes people associate you with bad feelings, even if they’re not consciously aware of that, and you’ll start to turn them off.
7) You stopped putting effort into your appearance
It’s true that our culture has trended toward more casual attire, from wearing pajama pants on a flight to sporting jeans at the symphony.
But sometimes putting on a little makeup or a cute sweater makes the difference between confidently chatting up that man in the checkout line or shying away from him because you’re worried you still smell like the gym.
If you’ve wondered why guys don’t approach you very often, clothes can also be a great way to become more approachable to men (and everyone!) so you don’t have to take on the risk of rejection yourself.
Clothing tends to either be a confidence barrier or a confidence booster and – although it may not be fair – the way you present yourself often influences how people treat you.
Making an effort with your appearance is about how it makes you feel – not other people’s approval.
Making an effort with your appearance is about how it makes you feel -
not other people's approval.
8) You don't know how to talk to guys
Back in my shy days when I was a teenager, I didn’t know how to talk to guys – so of course, that’s one reason why they didn’t exactly gravitate toward me.
I could barely look men in the eye, let alone confidently hold a conversation with a man – and it’s rather hard to like a girl who can’t even make eye contact with you.
It took years to push past my social anxiety and eventually fall in love with the art of meaningful connection (which is my secret to knowing what triggers emotional attraction in a guy and gets him to ask you out).
Even before the COVID pandemic forced everyone to keep a “social distance,” technology had been contributing to people losing the ability to talk to each other in person for many years.
If you find yourself in that category and can’t confidently engage a man, it’s also going to be a challenge for other people to get to know you – which makes it hard for them to want to spend more time with you.
9) You have no clue how to flirt
Flirting is simply an expression of your natural play style. It can be a fun way to show your interest in a guy by inviting him to engage in a fun little moment with you.
Flirting isn’t a requirement for a man to like you, but it can really help in the attraction process. And there are lots of ways to flirt with a guy without even being obvious.
The problem is that, like many social skills, flirting wasn’t exactly taught to you in school.
So, if you haven’t taken the time to discover your flirting style or have the confidence to apply it with men, you’re missing out on opportunities to connect with great guys as you go about your day.
Plus you may be sending men mixed signals that are keeping you in the dreaded Friend Zone.
10) You unintentionally emasculate men
The last reason why guys may not like you right now is that you’re playing their role for them.
I used to have a fear of showing my interest in guys I liked because I was afraid they would reject me. One of the ways I protected myself from that was by taking the lead with them.
I went through a period where I’d ask men out before waiting for them to decide if they even liked me or not.
Which, not only didn’t feel good but made it really awkward when it came to which of us was supposed to send the first text after the initial meetup, plan the date, and pay for it.
I thought I was making the dating process better for the men by showing them how easy it was to be with me (“Don’t worry, I’ll do all the work! Just accept me, please!”).
But I was actually stripping the guys of the role most of them want to play in courtship: Being the man.
Good men want you to let them take the lead, genuinely accept their compliments, and walk you home safely.
A great way to allow them to do that is by tapping into your feminine energy when dating and giving a man space to pursue you.
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Your negative defaults and the need to conform
Humans are innately wired to focus on the negative as a way to keep us on guard for danger and ensure our survival.
But while those fearful mindsets may have helped our ancestors avoid being eaten by sabretooth tigers, we now live in a much safer time that doesn’t need those instincts in the same way.
Constantly defaulting to the negative means you’re more likely to get stuck with thoughts like, “Why don’t guys like me?” instead of thinking, “I’m such a catch! Who’s the lucky man who gets to have me as his partner!?”
Being hard on yourself with negative thoughts put on repeat can definitely lead to forgetting how awesome you are.
Retailers take advantage of this by telling you things like, “Guys won’t like you unless you wear this shade of lipstick. Only once you buy this perfume, take this vacation, or wear this label will you be worthy of that promotion or that new house or that love you desire.”
On top of that, your innate need to conform and be accepted as part of a tribe often squelches any awareness of your own uniqueness.
This also kept our ancient ancestors alive by rewarding us for feeling accepted by a community that would better ensure their survival.
But, just like defaulting to negative thinking, those instincts aren’t serving you the same way in the modern world. They’re actually inhibiting you from achieving what you most want in life, like finding a good partner.
Trying to blend in with the masses and keep up with joneses only serves to make you forget your unique value and special contribution to the world.
Trying to blend in with the masses and keep up with joneses only serves to make you forget your unique value and special contribution to the world.
Again, how can you attract the man who’s just right for you if you have no clue what makes you special?
Fall in love with yourself
So, how do you solve a problem like, “Why don’t guys like me?” The solution is to become your best self by boosting your self-confidence.
Being happy and fulfilled is probably one of the most attractive traits
you can offer a partner.
And a great first step in doing that is to date without apps, at least for a bit to give yourself a reprieve from all the negativity on there.
Why is self-confidence important?
Building your confidence is a big step toward falling in love with yourself. There are two types of confidence…
Outer confidence is valuing your time, surrounding yourself with good people, and living your best life.
Inner confidence is knowing your unique value, discovering your life purpose, and becoming your best self.
Many people think that confidence is something you’re just born with, or that some people “just have it.”
The only thing worse than those false beliefs is thinking that your confidence has to come from being validated by others (like a man who happens to show interest in you).
But confidence is built by taking purposeful actions to achieve your goals and what you want most in your life.
The fastest way to create inner confidence is by unlocking your innate superpowers. Your superpowers are five sets of traits that make up your own special awesome sauce that is completely unique to you:
- Personality
- Hobbies and Interests
- Values
- Passions
- Purpose
The best part is that you already have these superpowers, they’ve simply been buried by the distractions of everyday life and our consumer culture.
Knowing who you are and what you stand for magnetically attracts the people who resonate with your authentic self.
You won’t be looking for a man to validate you or complete you, you’ll be open to the one who compliments your fabulous self and awesome life. This will make you selective about who gets your precious time.
Swirling your passion, skills, and guilty pleasures into one integrated brand will dial up your charisma like crazy, the right people will be magnetically attracted to you, and your entire life will become a billion times more fun.
When you start discovering how unique you truly are and turn your focus from your faults to your assets, no one can take that confidence away from you. You will feel worthy of every and anyone – including a great guy.
Discovering your secret dating superpowers reminds you how incredible you are as well as all the amazingness you’ll bring to your future partner.
Discovering your secret dating superpowers reminds you how incredible you are as well as all the amazingness you'll bring to your future partner.
In the previous article, “How to Attract a High-Value Man: The 5 Key Acts to Build Your Dream Life,” you discovered how to design and create your best life. Now, it’s time to discover and embrace your best self.
7 benefits in knowing how to get guys to like you
Once you like the person you are – warts and all – and start attracting men who have the potential to do the same, here are some of the benefits you can expect…
1) Become instantly intriguing
Just like living your best life, the journey of unlocking your secret dating superpowers gives you an endless number of interesting topics to talk about and – bonus! – will also make guys more attracted to you.
When you get to know yourself, get clear on your goals, and align your life to support them, you’ll consistently seek out new and interesting things.
Those are excellent topics to sprinkle into conversations, which naturally attracts the right people to you – including the man who loves the fact that you value yourself and take action to get what you want.
Going a step further: Having an opinion and being passionate about something is insanely attractive.
Having a strong conviction for a value or a cause shows that you’re not afraid to take a stand for what you believe in and that you’re emotionally invested in something outside of just yourself.
For example, I dated an Australian man Daniel for a few months, who was also an entrepreneur.
One night we were out to dinner, and the topic of hard work came up. He and I were both working seven days a week on our businesses.
He got fired up about people who complain about life yet don’t do anything to change it – and that was incredibly sexy to me. We bonded over our shared value of working hard to create a successful business.
When you see injustice on the news, or even a person being rude to someone on the bus, speak up about it – or better yet, do something about it (as long as you don’t put yourself in danger by doing so).
Channel your sadness about the hurricane devastation into organizing a blood drive, or give up your seat for the elderly person when no one else noticed them.
Taking action, no matter how small, will not only attract the people who share your passion, but it will help make the world a better place.
Taking actions no matter how small, will not only attract the people who share your passion, but it will help make the world a better place.
Now that’s a win-win.
2) Attract like-minded men
When you get clear on your hobbies, interests, values, and passions, you start taking actions that align with those.
Whether that’s volunteering at a food bank, reading a book on Buddhism in a coffee shop, or catching a South African documentary at the indie movie theater.
Well, guess what?
The men who have similar hobbies, interests, values, and passions will also be there doing those same activities, providing not only great places to meet each other but also instant conversation starters.
Going deeper, do you know what type of person is attracted to someone who lives out their values in their day-to-day life?
One who also lives out their values in their day-to-day life!
So, if you want to know why guys don’t like you yet, start with becoming the same level of quality person that you want to attract into your life.
3) Radiate sexy self-confidence
As you begin to discover and embrace your unique traits, you’ll start to attract the right men who truly resonate with you on a deeper level.
Your inner confidence will radiate from within and show on the outside – and that’s a huge turn-on.
Almost every man that I’ve ever found attractive had some level of self-confidence radiating from within him.
It wasn’t just his handsome face or sexy body. It was the way he carried himself, how he listened to me, or his passion for making the perfect crème brûlée.
Having a natural acceptance of yourself instead of constantly seeking validation from others is incredibly attractive.
Having a natural acceptance of yourself instead of
constantly seeking validation from others is incredibly attractive.
Use momentum hacks to leverage your accomplishments as confidence boosters.
When you have an accomplishment, even something small like clearing out your email inbox, you’ll feel an instant boost of confidence in yourself and motivation to set and achieve another goal.
Back in my corporate days, I was once asked to give a big presentation to my company’s CEO. I’d been preparing for weeks and was really nervous – but when the time came to present it, I nailed it.
The pride in myself for having my hard work pay off (plus relief of having it done) stayed with me for hours.
I walked around with a huge smile on my face and noticed that people were looking at me differently. Proud energy was naturally radiating out of me, and people were feeling it and smiling back at me.
4) Be seen as a "One in a Billion" woman
On a dating app, you’re competing against thousands of other women, with little to differentiate yourself other than a few pictures and a short bio.
In real life, without the apps, you can naturally stand out from the crowd with your energy, eye contact, confidence, humor, and kindness.
When someone possesses a unique combination of traits,
they become special in our eyes and we want to hold on to them.
When you have true confidence, not only will you attract the right people, but you’ll also be valued by them.
People appreciate others who are unique because they know they can’t get them just anywhere – they are a rarity and something to be treasured.
Unfortunately, many people tend to try to blend in or avoid sharing their real opinion so that they aren’t seen as straying from the social norm.
When you try to blend in instead of showcasing your unique value to the world, how are you supposed to find your special match who’s just right for you?
Going deeper: Standing up for the right thing can be hard – which means, again, most people don’t do it.
It’s easy to let something go and not cause a stir. It’s hard to risk ruffling feathers and having your opinion challenged. But if most people aren’t doing something, then the ones who do it are seen as rarities.
Most people, unfortunately, don’t live their values in their daily life, so by doing so you become an instant rarity.
Most people, unfortunately, don't live their values in their daily life.
So by doing so, you become an instant rarity.
So by getting clear on your superpowers and living them out in your day-to-day life, you become a special person to treasure and appreciate.
5) Feel capable of achieving anything
Your superpowers are called that for a reason. Knowing yourself and working with your natural talents can give you the confidence to achieve anything you want to. It makes you one unstoppable woman.
You’ll also start to quickly realize that the only thing holding you back from getting what you want is yourself.
Which means that the power to overcome anything is also entirely within your control. Including changing the script of, “Why don’t guys like me?” into a more positive affirmation of, “Men can’t get enough of me!”
Also, when you build your rock-solid inner confidence before you meet your future guy, you’ve given yourself the powerful experience of achieving it on your own – you didn’t rely on someone else to help you discover it.
It’s great to have a supportive partner in your life; but when you build your confidence all by yourself, you realize no one can ever take it away from you.
6) Become much, much happier
It’s common to think that you’ll finally be happy once you finally achieve your goals – but scholar Shawn Achor discovered that happiness is found more in the journey of achieving a goal.
Happiness is the joy you feel moving toward your potential.
It doesn’t matter if it’s a small goal, like signing up for a conversation group to practice your Mandarin, or a bigger goal like starting your own non-profit organization.
People are becoming so reliant on instant gratification that they’re choosing short-term drama and escape substances instead of taking steps to achieve their long-term dreams.
But nothing compares to the thrill and fulfillment of working hard to reach a lofty goal you set for yourself.
7) Fall head-over-heels in love with yourself
Before you can attract a quality man, you must believe you’re worthy of him.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with.
Or, put another way: If you don’t feel you’re worthy of a great guy, you’re not going to be able to attract and keep one.
Even worse, you’ll risk attracting the wrong men who can smell insecurity a mile away and want to take advantage of it.
That’s why before falling in love with the right man, you first need to fall in love with yourself.
Before falling in love with the right man,
you first need to fall in love with yourself.
Just like with building your own confidence, when you truly love and accept yourself no one can ever take that love away from you. It’s al yours. Finders keepers.
You are continually reminded of the incredible value that you bring to the world – and to your future partner who will be lucky to have you in his life.
You’re not relying on external validation, which is what many people on dating apps are seeking (with one study revealing that 44% of people use dating apps for “confidence-boosting procrastination”).
But relying on others for your self-worth, especially people you’ve never even met, basically hands the keys to your happiness over to everyone else.
I’ve known beautiful people whose confidence is in the toilet because they spent so much time honing their outer appearance that they completely neglected their inner confidence.
Which led to a very fragile state of existence that is reliant on constant external validation.
That’s a miserable way to live – and a huge barrier to a healthy relationship. I mean, how can you love someone if you can’t even love yourself?
Conclusion: Why guys will start liking you
With all the online ghosting, scammers, catfishing, and other bad behavior happening in our modern dating culture, it’s easy to turn inward and wonder if you’re the problem.
You can start asking yourself questions like, “Why don’t guys like me?”, “Why don’t guys want to date me?” or “Why do I keep getting rejected by guys?”
There is no hard and fast rule around what makes a man like one woman and not another, but there are ten universal turn-offs that tend to repel quality men:
- You don't have a life (or it's a mess)
- You don't know what makes you special (so he doesn't either)
- You aren't clear on your core values
- You're not passionate about anything
- You lack purpose in life
- You focus on the negative
- You stopped putting effort into your appearance
- You don't know how to talk to guys
- You have no clue how to flirt with a guy
- You unintentionally emasculate men
The great news is that each of these aspects is completely fixable.
And you have the power to change them by simply taking small actions that will add up to make a big impact – where you’ll start enjoying benefits such as:
- 1) Become instantly intriguing
- 2) Attract like-minded men
- 3) Radiate sexy self-confidence
- 4) Be seen as a "One in a Billion" woman
- 5) Feel capable of achieving anything
- 6) Be much, much happier
- 7) Fall in love with yourself
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